Elastica - Elastica

Brit Pop was the most moronic non-event in the history of things that have been completely made up by the media. A musical movement made up of British bands making pop music. Like that's never happened before or since.

It was Blur and Oasis's fault. They were both reasonable bands and they kept falling out with each other and thus produced some memorably vitriolic quotes. It was like the whole east coast/west coast rap thing only with name-calling instead of gangland shootings. I'm on about the east and west coast of the US, by the way. There was no East Anglia/Welsh domestic hip hop stand-off that you missed, don't worry.

Clinging to the coat tails of Blur and Oasis were a whole host of bands who were arguably more shit than Northside, but who hung around in London and played guitars and were therefore part of the Britpop 'scene'. Heading this list and admittedly marginally less shit, were Elastica.

Elastica's singer, Justine Frischmann, went out with Damon from Blur, so they were a sort of red-wine-and-trips-to-Ikea version of Kurt and Courtney or Sid and Nancy.

I said that they were less shit than some of the other bands of the time, but were they? They didn't really do anything. I can never escape the feeling that people are hearing something different to me when I read about them. At least they were better than Echobelly.

Come on everybody. Let's all share a house with a group of young professionals, watch This Life, listen to Elastica and desperately hope that someone kills us in the night with a claw-hammer.

Pink Floyd - Pulse

Somebody once put this album on my PC. I don't know who it was. All I know is that one day I was listening to music, felt a bit wild and set it to 'random'. What should come up? Pink Floyd. Live.

I don't know when it happened, I don't know who was responsible, but when I find out, they're for it. I'll splash water in their face or draw a penis on their back in chalk. I'm not sure yet.

There's about eighty tracks on this album and they're all about 20 minutes long. Was it all one gig? I hope everyone had a comfy chair for the duration. At what point did the encores start?

I didn't think I was that against Pink Floyd, but seriously, the amount of times I've skipped to the next track can't mean anything else. It's not as simple as that though. The songs are mostly airy soundscape kinds of things. You can easily not notice that they're going on for a while. Before you know it, you've listened to eight minutes of 'build-up'. I put that in inverted commas because the songs never actually build up TO anything.

'Shine On You Crazy Diamond' - what? Is this an ode to Anne Diamond?

Melanie B - Hot

Could this possibly be the best album called Hot by someone pretending that their surname was just the letter B?

No, that would be this copy of Turn The Dark Off by Howie B that I just biroed the word 'Hot' onto.

"Oh. It's so hot. So... hot. So hot that I have to stand under this rather contrived shower that appears to be in the middle of nowhere in order to cool down. So hot that I've had to put myself on a very small leash for some reason."

Melanie B really got the wrong end of the stick with naming herself. She went from Mel B, a shortened form of one name and an initial, to Melanie B, a full name and an initial. At the same time, Jennifer Lopez was taking a massive leap in the opposite direction, becoming J Lo, one initial and a shortened form of her surname. It's no wonder Melanie B was a relative failure when she was cursed with naming skills like that.

Here are some other names that would have been vastly superior: The Mellanator 9000; The Beeinator 9000; The Mel B-inator 9000.

The list is virtually endless.

Obie Trice - Second Round's On Me

Thanks very much, Obie. Mine's a pint of Deuchar's IPA. Oh and could you get me some bacon fries? Cheers.

Obie Trice, or more accurately, Obie Trice III is very proud that he uses his real name and not a rap pseudonym. Well that's all very well for you, Obie. What about poor Lloyd Banks? He's copying you and he doesn't have the luxury of a cool name.

"All right Mrs Trice. Is your Obie playing out?" It's right up there with Teddy Pendergrass in the pantheon of great names in pop.

If he did decide to go for a 'special' hip hop name. Here are some suggestions: 'The Obinator 9000', 'The Tricinator 9000'.

The list is virtually endless.

Track one of Second Round's On Me is entitled 'Intro'. He knows what he's doing, this Obie Trice. He really does.

Magic Numbers - Those The Brokes

Is 'Those The Brokes' a pun? I hate puns I don't get. In fact I hate puns I don't make. All of them. Bastard puns, punning around like they own the place. Get back to Punland and stop taking our jobs and doing our women, you filthy puns!

I don't get Magic Numbers. I thought there was only one magic number: Three. That's what De La Soul told me anyway. So are all of Magic Numbers the number three? Surely if they're all taken as a whole they become a multiple of three. Or maybe 3,333.

This is plainly false, so I decided to do some research. It turns out that three isn't the sole candidate for magicdom. Seven's an alternative. I learnt this from a 1956 paper on cognitive psychology by George A Miller, entitled: "The Magical Number Seven, Plus or Minus Two: Some Limits on Our Capacity for Processing Information".

So there you have it, if we take it that 'plus or minus two' results in five and nine, Magic Numbers comprise three, five, seven and nine.

Mystery solved.

Norah Jones - Not Too Late

Not too late? Yes it is. It's all too late. Why bother? Do you ever think that maybe it just isn't worth trying any more. I mean, obviously most of us haven't really been trying up until now, but why start? It's too late. Ignore Norah Jones.

What's with the whole 'being called Norah' thing anyway? It's too late for that as well. The last famous Norah was Norah Batty and she's become nothing more than shorthand for an aged, old-fashioned, embittered battle-axe sort of person.

Let's list the songs on this album and then say what they should be about, for no other reason than there's nothing obvious to write about Norah Jones and I'm not in a mood for thinking.

Wish I Could: This is a song about not being bothered. Norah wishes she could be bothered.
Sinkin' Soon: This is a song about how maybe it would be good if we were all on a boat and it just sank, saving everyone the bother of getting on with stuff. Getting on with stuff is hassle.
Sun Doesn't Like You: This is a song about how we're all going to get skin cancer.
Until The End: This is about how boring it's going to be, waiting to die of skin cancer.
Not My Friend: This is a song about everyone else in the world.
Thinking About You: This is a mournful ditty, directed at the cancer.
Broken: This is about all of your stuff. The arrangement expresses how much it's going to cost to get everything fixed.
My Dear Country: This is ironic. It's shit where Norah Jones lives and it's shit where you live.
Wake Me Up: This is also ironic, because there's no point waking up. Waking up is hassle.
Be My Somebody: Everyone's always worried about getting mugged by somebody or killed by somebody. Norah's pleading for a somebody.
Little Room: This is about the problems of overcrowding in our modern world.
Rosie's Lullaby: This is to try and get Rosie to sleep. Forever.
Not Too Late: This is supposed to be the upbeat ending, but she's wrong. It is too late.

Justin Timberlake - Future Sex

"I'm a tiny, fey, inconsequential little munchkin. I've had the last vestiges of independent thought groomed out of me by record company oppressors. My hair is short and neat. My sexuality is overt but non-threatening. I'm fun, sensitive, definitely hetero, but maybe a bit gay and I sing like a woman."

That's what Justin Timberlake says to me.

No, literally. Get off the fucking phone, Justin. I'm trying to work. I know. I know how you see yourself. Leave me alone. Stop stalking me. Who do you think I am? A fourteen-year-old groupie? I'm not. I'm a man in a cardigan looking forward to a pint of real ale. I'm not your type.

Future Sex is all about the sex. It's all about the sex and a little bit about the love, but mostly it's about the sex. He's like one of those lonely leg-loving dogs, our Justin.

Track one, 'Futuresex/Lovesound' - both sex and love. Track two, 'Sexyback' - just sex. Track three, 'Sexy Ladies/Let Me Talk to You (Prelude)' - just sex again, maybe with a little bit of talking. Mercifully, he's found the space bar by track three, at least. Stop blending words into one, you manicured marmoset.

Justin Timberlake appears to be playing football with a goldfish bowl on the cover. Go on. Head it, you idiot.

Madonna - The Confessions Tour [Live]

People sometimes try and tell me that Madonna has always had a gap between her front teeth, but I'm not having it. As far as I'm concerned, she didn't used to have a gap between her front teeth and now she does.

People (different people) say that in life, it's important to have faith. They say that sometimes you need to just believe without needing facts. They might be on about God or something, but I feel that way about the gap in Madonna's front teeth.

It seems unlikely that someone would develop a gap in their teeth as they got older, but I believe. You can show me old photographs or whatever, but I won't be swayed by your 'facts'. Madonna didn't used to have a gap between her front teeth and now she does.

I can even pinpoint when it happened. It was when she got muscly. Was that when Ray Of Light came out? I think she tried to hide the new gap between her teeth by distracting everyone with her muscles. Well she didn't get one over on me.

You think 'burying' the gap-in-your-front-teeth-news was clever don't you, Madonna? You think getting all muscly was enough to fool Joe Public. Well I've got news for you. I'm onto you. I know that you didn't used to have a gap between your front teeth and now you do.

Stevie Wonder - Songs In The Key Of Life

I write an inordinate amount about stuff that's unexpurgated shit on this site, so I thought I'd actually compliment something today.

Stevie Wonder is a bit off-putting to some people. I can see that. He did record 'I Just Called To Say I Love You', which is the worst song ever made. But don't be misled. He's ace. Not crap. Ace.

Witness 'Ordinary Pain' on Songs In The Key Of Life. This is a classic example of a Stevie Wonder song. It starts off as complete garbage and that'll be enough for most of you. You'll switch it off there and then. But DON'T!

The first half, Part I, is a saccharine ballad with Stevie going on about how some guy who's split up with his bird is totally miserable. It ends with a big cheeseball cymbal.

But you should embrace that cymbal, because that cymbal heralds GOOD Stevie Wonder. Just as it fades, Part II kicks in. Part II's the other side of the story. This time it's a woman and she tells it like it is. And she tells it through the power of funk.

Basically Part I guy should stop feeling sorry for himself because he's a complete bastard. "You're crying big crocodile tears. Don't match the ones I cried for years. While I was home waiting for you. You were out somewhere doing the do."

'So enough of your twee, heartfelt ballad. Quit moaning', she says. All the while the band's funking it to a phat one. Or something.

It ends: 'Since one ain't good enough for you, then do yourself see how you do.' Nothing schmaltzy about that.

This album also features 'Sir Duke' which starts with the exact sequence of notes that introduce train announcements in Sri Lanka. There's also 'I Wish' which was wanked-up by Will Smith and turned into 'Wild Wild West'. There's also 'Pastime Paradise' which is where the good bit of 'Gangsta's Paradise' by Coolio came from.

Go and buy some Stevie Wonder albums. Do it now!

Hot Chip - The Warning

I can't shake the feeling that this band are from the Seventies. Who am I thinking of?

Track two on this album is entitled 'And I Was A Boy From School' - so who is Hot Chip? Let's look at the facts: They were from school; they're a boy. That doesn't especially narrow it down, so I'm going to need more facts to go off.

Track 12 is 'Won't Wash', so that does narrow it down quite a lot. My money's on it being Alec. Track 11's 'No Fit State' so that would seem to back this up.

I'm not sure if I want to buy records by Alec. I don't really want to encourage him. On the other hand, maybe encouragement's what he needs. It's just that I can't shake the feeling that the CD case would smell. Maybe that's what The Warning of the title is. Either the smell's a warning to leave the CD or the warning's in advance of the smell.

Either way, I'm off chips for a few days.

Various Artists - Rocky Balboa: The Best Of Rocky

"Featuring such classic Rocky tracks as 'Eye Of The Tiger' and..."

Actually there's 'Gonna Fly Now' as well, which is the Rocky theme that everyone would recognise. There's also 'Gonna Fly Now (remix)'.

The only thing I really know about Rocky is that his trainer's played by Burgess Meredith. Burgess Meredith was The Penguin in the original Batman TV series. He's also one of the finest examples of a surname for a first name in the history of surnames as first names.

Sure, Harrison Ford and Taylor Dayne can lay claim, but you're not shifting Burgess from the top of the pile. He's untouchable. Burgess couldn't be anything but a surname, except in the eyes of Mrs Meredith.

One day there'll come a child who'll take his title. It would have to be two hyphenated surnames to surpass Burgess though. Stallone could be one half. What could be the other half? Balboa-Stallone would be just about the worst first name anyone's ever had, but it's not immediately, strikingly, palpably a pair of surnames.

Rambo-Stallone? I can't believe that there's anyone wandering around with the surname Rambo. If they do, I pity them.

Lloyd Banks - Rotten Apple

"Lloyd... Lloyd! Come here and help Tarquin with his waistcoat. He's having a frightful time. It's all tangled up with his pocket watch."

You see, this is why rappers always give themselves ludicrous names (literally, in the case of Ludacris). You can't expect to get much 'speck if you're called Lloyd. He sounds like - well - he sounds like the kind of guy who'd help Tarquin with a waistcoat/pocket watch emergency.

I'm noticing a bit of a theme with the Hip and the Hop. Song titles are almost always one word long. How they haven't run out of words, I don't know. Particularly when they're so keen to retread the same ground.

It could be that they exhausted all the more predictable words during the making of this record, because while we get 'Survival', 'Help', 'Addicted' and 'Life'. We also get 'Cake', which is a bit of an unexpected turn in the land of pimping pistols and putting hoes in holes. Or whatever - I get mixed up.

'Cake' must surely be about one of the following: Cake the cake, the cakey cake we all love to eat; cake the drug that's totally fictitious and only appeared in Brass Eye; or Cake the band who recorded 'Going The Distance' and the finest cover of 'I Will Survive' you're ever likely to hear. Whichever it is, it's better than 'reppin' in yo' hood'.

"Lloyd... Lloyd! Come quickly. Tarquin's got battenburg all over his new blazer. Do be a love and help him out. Be careful with his pocket watch."

Just Jack - Overtones

The first time I heard of Just Jack he was on telly. It was wispy disco of no real consequence. Now he keeps appearing on the radio and it's pissing me off.

I don't even listen to the radio that much at the minute, so he must be really annoying to get under my skin with such little exposure. He's this week's Sixpence None The Richer. I fucking hate Sixpence None The Richer. One day I'll tell you why.

What I also didn't know and hasn't helped their cause, is that the single, 'Starz In Their Eyes', is spelt the way it is. Add that to the underwhelming and obscenely repetitive delivery of the chorus and you've got a super-smash hit of the wankest quality on your hands.

There's something about the way the different sections of the song roll into each other that pisses me off as well - like Just Jack's constantly on some quest to surprise you. If you know that someone's trying to surprise you, you can't be surprised.

It reminds me of the band that Christopher Moltisanti tries to manage in The Sopranos. They sing a song with fifteen different segments, but no chorus, as the producer is forced to tell them in despair.

Just Jack previously completed a degree in furniture design (honestly). And he thought THAT was a waste of time.

Victoria Beckham - Victoria Beckham

Could this be the finest full-length album associated with, but not recorded by, David Beckham?

The answer is no - that would be the Bend It Like Beckham soundtrack. This is probably the best full-length album with a picture of David Beckham's wife wrestling a puma on the cover, though - arguably.

My money's on the puma, whether it's stuffed, sedated or whatever. Do you honestly think that Victoria Beckham's got sufficient strength to extricate herself from beneath a puma? No way. She's barely got the strength to prevent her jaw from constantly hanging open.

Victoria Beckham has also mistakenly used her intitials on that cover, presumably unaware that VB stands for Victoria Bitter - a tasteless, effervescent beer from Australia. In fact, Victoria Beckham is probably the only thing weaker than Victoria Bitter in the entire world.

Just think how disappointed a puma would be to be associated with weak beer or Victoria Beckham, let alone both.

Why doesn't anyone ever think of the pumas?

The Good The Bad And The Queen - The Good The Bad And The Queen

If someone's already in a band and they release stuff with another band, then the second band becomes a 'project'. This is Damon Albarn's second 'project' after Gorillaz. I think he's still technically in Blur and being as Blur are his band, everything else is a project, even if he does a lot more with his projects than he does with his band.

Also in The Good, The Bad And The Queen are Paul Simonon who was in The Clash, but isn't any more, so this is his band. It's not HIS though. It's Damon's. Damon's project is Paul Simonon's band.

Simon Tong from The Verve plays guitar. He did a bit of stuff with Gorillaz and even though he wasn't in The Verve at the time, it was still a 'project' for him, rather than being his band. This was because he only made guest appearances in Gorillaz. He wasn't always there. Whether that means that this is his band or another 'project', I'm not sure. It's still Damon's project though. Do you follow?

Also involved is Danger Mouse of Gnarls Barkley fame. He's the producer, so technically he's not in the band. I guess this is a project for him too, in that case.

I wonder how Paul Simonon feels. The Good, The Bad and The Queen is all he's got. I bet he gets really annoyed with everyone else just swanning round like it's no big deal.

I saw The Good, The Bad And The Queen on TV a couple of weeks ago. They had one song which was all right and a couple which sounded like they'd been made-up that afternoon. At the time I put it down to their being new and having to produce something at short notice. However, now their album's out and it's only a short while later. It's clear that those were real songs. They're probably the highlights of the album.

I like the song title, 'Kingdom Of Doom'. 'Doom' is a much under-used word and indeed concept in records these days.

Trivium - The Crusade

What the hell is this? What the hell is a trivium and what the hell is that cover about?

I've got two theories. One, it's a pastiche of the Led Zeppelin glory days when they sang about elves and goblins and stuff. Two, it's some really serious teenagers who have a bit of a fetish for role-playing games.

Let's be honest, we've all dressed up as a warlock and played an online game called something like Scrolls Of The Summoning. We've all fantasised about sleeping with an elf who bequeaths us The Sword Of Reckoning afterwards. We've all written in to a TV programme to correct them on their facts about the history of Middle Earth prior to The Lord Of The Rings with particular reference to the Kingdom of Rohan. But at least we know where to draw the line.

That line lies just before making a record with a song called 'Becoming The Dragon' on it.

I hope they wear full armour when they're on stage.

The first track is called 'Ignition'. This is an appropriate and acceptable opening. I'm moved to say that Trivium are probably the best medieval rock band in the world.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium

Come on The Red Hot Chili Peppers, admit it: This album is only called Stadium Arcadium because the two words rhyme. Don't make me torture you The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Admit it.

You know how I know this? Because 'arcadium' isn't even a word. Dicks. Their next album's called Library Klibrary. If I were two and 'stadium arcadium' were my first words, I would pound myself with a brick through shame. If I were in a big rock band, I probably wouldn't title my album Stadium Arcadium either.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers were all about the funk originally, but it was a particular brand of juvenile funk that was all posturing and gurning. You'd hope that as they matured, they'd drop the childish aspects but retain the one thing that made them unique. But no. They drop the childishness AND the funk in favour of earnest, samey rock-blandness. Now they're like Huey Lewis And The News.

This album's got 'Dani California' on it, where Anthony Kiedis just shoehorns in most of the US states with no real context. It's like a bland American take on 'It's Grim Up North' by The Justified Ancients Of Mu Mu, performed by Barry Manilow.

There are 28 songs on this album. 28! If only Pol Pot had known that. He could have taken the torture of prisoners in Security Prison 21 to a whole new level.

50 Cent - The Massacre

If you've read much of this site, you'd be forgiven for thinking that I didn't know much about hip hop culture. You might even think that I'm disconnected from 'the street', but you'd be sorely mistaken.

Like most men my age, I know all the words to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. In fact I'm relatively familiar with a number of Fresh Prince songs. Not only that - I also know that 50 Cent is pronounced Fiddy. Check me out homez.

I got a lot of 'speck for Fiddy. He one bad G. And now I'm going to tell you why. 50 Cent starts his album with 'Intro'. Wise man. You can always get round me that way, even if you're the kind of person who isn't embarrassed to call an album The Massacre.

Track two, 'In My Hood' - presumably the contents are 50 Cent's head. We can only hope that the hood is over his head, but his arms aren't in the sleeves and that he's running round pretending to be Superman with his coat playing the part of Superman's cape.

However, in the debit column, we must include 'Candy Shop' which is a right dirge. The best thing about this song is trying to work out just how inappropriate the emotionless murmurs of 'yeah' and 'uh-huh' are. It's the most pedestrian song you've ever heard in your life. No-one would be moved to any kind of spontaneous appreciation, as signified by a 'yeah'. You'd think the place was rockin' the way Fiddy keeps saying it. But it isn't. It isn't rocking at all. Far from it.

It's a barely credible delivery anyway. It's the kind of 'yeah' that a teenager gives when they agree to do some sort of inconsequential task, but they're not happy about it. "So you're going to clear the table then?" "Yeah." It's the equivalent of whooping during a school teacher's rendition of Scarborough Fair

Thom Yorke - The Eraser

The word... is 'rubber'.

Thom Yorke's obviously afraid that people will associate his work with a prophylactic, so he's opted for a US word, even though he's more English than being crap at badminton because you're half-cut off Pimm's.

This is one of those occasions when I've embarked on a review with no clear idea of where it's going. It's just become clear that it's going nowhere.

Thom Yorke: An 'h' that's trying too hard and an album title that's kidding itself.

My Chemical Romance - Black Parade

My Chemical Romance are the first band to receive a second review on MP3 Wise Monkeys. And there you were putting cold, hard cash on it being Aztec Camera. Well the joke's on you. Here's the first review, if you're interested.

My Chemical Romance have clearly renounced their previous negativity in favour of a more positive outlook. This album's a parade. There's nothing more upbeat than a parade.

Look at the buoyant opening to the album. This is the kind of start that'll have you grinning and bouncing around like a child again. Track one: 'End'. Track two: 'Dead'. Track three: 'This Is How I Disappear'.

No wonder teenagers are such morose losers. Look at what they have to endure. You can't listen to this sort of stuff for long without it corroding your soul in some way. And your intelligence. I hate to keep repeating myself, but track one should never allude to the end of something. 'End' does rather more than just allude to an end.

At least the final track is called 'Famous Last Words' which shows at least a basic comprehension of what's going on.

I could just list song titles from this album and it would function as a review. Here are some more: 'I Don't Love You', 'Disenchanted' or how about the piece de resistance - 'Cancer'.

'Cancer'? I ask you. Who calls a song 'Cancer'? The campaign for more songs about teddy bears having adventures starts here.

Chamillionaire - The Sound of Revenge

It's a desperate, last minute update because I didn't know I'd run out of saved ones! Everyone bask in its ill-thought-out amateurism.

Chamillionaire. I have literally NO CLUE who this guy is. I've got a fair idea from the front cover of his album though. My guess is that his interests include 'phat rides' and saying 'yeah' at a low pitch in an aggressive manner.

Other than that, it's tricky to decide where I stand. Chameleons - good. Millionaires - bad. It's a poser and no mistake.

Wait! Decision made. 'Outro' is track 16. There are 17 tracks. It's unforgivable. We've made up our mind and we won't be shifted: Chamillionaire is as thick as pigshit - pigshit that's been boiled for a great length of time and then had flour added to it. Now that's thick.

Does anyone know what the sound of revenge is? I can see Chamillionaire's version being a gunshot or something, but what would you have as the sound of revenge? Would it be the sound of someone weeing in a private swimming pool while the owners were out? Would it be the sound of a stolen packed lunch striking the school wall? Would it be someone saying: "Excuse me officer, but that man's got some drugs up his bottom - check if you don't believe me"?

Whatever it is, chances are it doesn't feature on this album. However, if you're after a low octave 'yeah' or two. Look no further. Probably.

Will Young - Friday's Child

I was going to try and do five reviews on the theme 'what I missed when I was on holiday for ages that time' but I couldn't remember anyone else other than Will Young and that only takes us to four. I could have done Gareth Gates, but he's the exact same thing as Will Young really. Also, I don't want readers talking about 'the shit week on MP3 Wise Monkeys', so after this I'm going to try and raise the standard.

By far the most annoying thing about being away from UK pop culture for a while was hearing people talking about a pair of complete spanners like they were important. It was beyond that though. People spoke about 'Will' and 'Gareth' like you would know who the fuck they were.

I left the country and Will Young didn't exist. I came back and not only did he exist, but he was famous enough to only have a first name. So was 'Gareth'. It drove me fucking spare. I'm not exaggerating when I say it took me a full year to work out what the hell was going on. I'm not even sure I had the full picture then.

I'd ask people who 'Will' was and they'd explain using phrases like 'Pop Idol' - phrases that meant nothing to me. If I asked for further clarification, people treated me like I was some weird hermit and THAT'S what irks me. I was fucking right! 'Will' and 'Gareth' were shite. There was no reason on earth that they should be famous. That's what I couldn't get my head around.

I'm getting really pissed off now, which isn't good, because I was just supposed to be killing five minutes before bed by writing this. Now I'm all full of adrenaline. I've got blood lust.

Do you know how important they were at that time? They were all anyone talked about. They were the touchstone for all of society. It was literally like someone had roamed the nation putting a layer of wank-coloured paint over everything. All life was imbued with a wankish hue.

Now I've got to class the bastard as 'soul' because I'm deliberately avoiding 'pop' as a category. I'd add 'wank' as a special category instead, only it would take me another minute and a half to add it to the sidebar and frankly Will Young doesn't deserve another 90 seconds of my attention.

The Hives - Tyrannosaurus Hives

Next on my 2004 'who?' list are The Hives. There were five of them and they were/are Swedish or something and they wore matching suits, so they were a bit more immediately identifiable than the rest of the 'The' bands. The Strokes, The Libertines, The Vines, The Hives - it was really irritating trying to catch up, let me tell you.

The Hives have a number of plus points aside from their weird dress-sense and propensity for standing still (I like standing still too). All of these plus points are related to the names of songs, because that's increasingly what this site's about.

'Tyrannosaurus Hives' is a pretty good start. It means nothing. I admire that. 'Abra Cadaver' is both weird and a slightly off-key pun. That's another good title. 'B Is For Brutus' is good, because ordinarily B is for 'bravo'. 'See Through Head' is absolutely masterful. The world would be a better place if more songs were about transparent heads. 'Dead Quote Olympics' is also good, because I don't immediately understand it. Finally, 'The Hives Meet The Norm' is good, although only if you interpret 'The Norm' as being a guy called Norm who for some reason has been granted the definite article. Otherwise it's not all that.

So there you go. Now you're in a much better position to decide whether to spend £3 on an old Hives record, aren't you?

The Strokes - Is This It

After doing The Libertines, I've decided that I'll plough on with all the bands that I don't 'get' because I wasn't around when youth TV was imprinting them onto your retinas.

The Strokes are next. I wasn't nonplussed by The Strokes, like I was with The Libertines, although I still didn't 'get' them. I thought they were all right. Much like everyone else does now. I'm very ahead of my time in that one, sole way. I thought that 'Last Nite' was kind of catchy but insubstantial and I can't remember any other songs. Not for a second is their nationality an excuse for that spelling of 'night' by the way.

There's a bum on the cover of the album. What did everyone make of that when it came out? And did anyone question why there was no question mark after the title? 'Is This It' - that's a question if ever I heard one. Maybe it was supposed to be 'This Is It' and Terry in charge of the album cover ballsed it up.

Maybe the person attached to the bum was forming a question mark with their body, but the bum was the only good bit, so they had to zoom in.

The Libertines - Up The Bracket

I was out of the country for pretty much the exact duration of The Libertines' rise to prominence. On my return, I was confronted with a whole slew of guitar bands with inexplicably grand reputations.

I remember the first emotion I felt on hearing The Libertines: It was the most nonplussed I've ever been. I was painfully nonplussed. I was agonisingly indifferent.

Over the years, I attempted to deduce what 'all the fuss' was about. I eventually narrowed it down to two things: One, they were quite newsworthy because Pete Docherty kept doing crimes and stuff and secondly, their unique selling point musically was to be a bit ramshackle and to slur when they sang.

People will tell you that it's a fine line between genius and crapness, but it isn't really. What I've learnt by listening to The Libertines however, is that the line between crapness and mediocrity is finer than I thought. I always thought that there was 'utter crap' and then 'crap' and then 'bad' and a whole host of categories before you got to 'mediocre' but The Libertines neatly straddle that divide. They're either utterly crap or mediocre. They're truly groundbreaking in that regard.

Keane - Under The Iron Sea

I know what you're thinking: If this Keane album were a Carter USM song, which would it be? The answer, of course, is 'Lean On Me, I Won't Fall Over'.

Does anyone else think that 'Crystal Ball' sounds a bit like 'Chris De Burgh' the way its sung? I certainly do and to be honest, I think those actually ARE the words and Keane are just pretending they aren't so that we don't run them out of town on a railroad. They're just the sort of sherry-swilling fops who think Chris De Burgh has something to offer.

Speaking of fops, I used to work with an upper-class one (is there any other kind). He couldn't cook for shit and the one time he tried, he made a dry duck breast. I asked what he made with it and he'd cooked a steak. A dry steak and a dry duck breast. He was one of those people who like to throw money at a problem.

Back to Keane anyway. Let's try and guess what 'Under The Iron Sea' means. It sounds like it's possibly some sort of allusion to the oppression of man by machine or something similarly wank. You're not complaining about the relentless march of technology when you're listening to Chris De Burgh on your iPods are you Keane?

The last track on Under The Iron Sea is called 'Frog Prince'. I'm going to be generous and dismiss the probability that this is a reference to a fairytale. Instead I'm going to believe that it's a song about amphibian royalty. There are nowhere near enough songs about amphibian monarchs.

Snoop Dogg - Tha Blue Carpet Treatment

No chillin' for Snoop Dogg. He goes one better than The Game by refusing to include even one solitary track devoid of the 'explicit' badge of hip hop honour. A full 21 tracks of unexpurgated filth. You go, Snoop. You go.

He's not bad at naming songs either, despite his inferior spelling skills. We get some classics on this album, including the unimprovable 'That's That Shit' and the incomprehensible 'Beat Up On Yo Pads'. I'm reading 'pads' as 'home or place of dwelling' there and I still don't get it. Why would you beat up your house? It's brick.

Snoop's also mastered the art of naming album openers. A lot of people seem to call track nine 'The Start' or something like that, which is really missing the point. Snoop knows that any kind of song title that refers to a beginning or the start has to be track one. Here we get 'Intrology' which is the scientific study of beginnings.

The last question that needs answering is what 'Tha Blue Carpet Treatment' is. As you no doubt know by now, I'm down with the kids, but even I'm a bit out of the loop on this one. However, I've a failsafe technique for interpreting what Snoop means: It's always something rude.

So there you go: 'Tha Blue Carpet Treatment' is something rude.

John Legend - Once Again

Is anyone else astounded and maybe a little bit irritated by the fact that there's somebody wandering around with the surname 'Legend'?

There's quite literally nothing that you could ever do to justify a name like that. If I were John Legend I'd have gone for a much more low-key name. He's okay with the 'John' bit, but I'd have allied it to 'Fiscal-Loss' or 'Batteries Not Included'.

'John Batteries Not Included' is an excellent name. It summons just the right amount of low-key disappointment. You could never be anything other than a pleasant surprise with a name like that. 'John Legend' on the other hand only invites ridicule.

Since as he does invite it, I'd better comply. I'm not feeling particularly insightful today, however, so I'll just settle for: John Legend is a silly name. Very silly.

I'm not sure that constitutes ridicule, but it's the best I can do.

The song titles are all massive downers even if he weren't called John Legend. The only one that stands out from the pack is 'PDA (We Just Don't Care)' a call to arms for all of us who can't bear to hear about some bastard's new gadget that's a bit like a phone and a bit like a computer. It's not impressive any more. It's commonplace. Stop going on about it.

The Kooks - Inside In/Inside Out

I guess I have to do The Kooks at some point. I may as well get it over with.

Name: The Kooks - shit.

Album title: Inside In/Inside Out - shit.

The band's appearance: Shit.

The band's music: Shit.

The singer's pronunciation: If shit were shitter than it actually is, I might consider using the word 'shit' here, but shit just isn't shit enough to describe how shit the singer's pronunciation is. Words can not describe. It's like the most unnecessary speech impediment ever and it's like he's doing it on purpose.

Quite literally the only thing that I can say in this record's defence is that there's a song called 'Jackie Big Tits'. That's a shit title for a song, but at least it's a little bit weird and therefore of tangential interest for about two seconds.

Inside In/Inside Out by The Kooks: Uniformly shit and boring except for one song title, which is shit and a bit weird.

Note to The Kooks publicist: You can use that quote for free.

Snow Patrol - Eyes Open

I remember hearing someone talking about this album on Radio 1. They kept saying 'ice open' instead of 'Eyes Open'. I didn't know what the album was called at the time, so I'm retrospectively incensed by their leading me astray.

The more I think about it, the more genuinely enraged I become. I'm not even sure who it was, but the thought of Jo Whiley's face seems to be making me worse, so it was probably her. Let's say it was. Bitch.

More cheeringly, Snow Patrol's song arranging skills are exemplary on Eyes Open. I don't mean their choice of musical arrangements. I mean what order they've put the songs in. For example, 'Shut Your Eyes' precedes 'Open Your Eyes'. It seems simple, but you'd be amazed how many people get this wrong. Technically, you could start from a shut-eyed status and return there, but I think you'll agree a brief closing of eyes is better than a brief opening.

Secondly, the final track is called 'The Finish Line'. Other artists take note: This is how to organise your track-listing.

The Game - Doctor's Advocate

I frigging hate The Game and I'll tell you why. I play this game called The Game. The rules of The Game are that if you think of The Game, you lose The Game. You can't win. You can only lose. The only way you can think about The Game without losing The Game is if someone else has just lost it and mentioned the fact.

As you might expect, I tend to lose The Game when I hear The Game's name mentioned. I have a similar problem with the film called The Game, starring Michael Douglas.

My second problem with The Game, the rapper, is that The Game is a quite astonishingly ludicrous and nonsensical name. I mean, 'The'? Who calls themself 'The' anything? Even Sting doesn't call himself 'The' and he's a prick these days.

Track 16 is entitled 'Why You Hate The Game' so presumably he just repeats the points I've just made. Maybe he meant to include a question mark at the end, in which case the reasons above should function as an answer.

At least the album title, Doctor's Advocate, indicates that The Game has a healthy respect for the medical profession. Maybe proceeds from sales go straight to the NHS or something. That would make up for all the rude words included on this record. Only one track, the last one, isn't labelled 'explicit'. It's called 'I'm Chillin'.

I think I might add an 'explicit' tag to this site. Everyone knows that it acts like a beacon for children and teenagers who come in search of boobs and guns.

James Morrison - Undiscovered

I know, I thought to myself, why don't I start 2007 with something really shit. So I did.

'Undiscovered' is probably a bit misleading. 'Unmemorable' would be more accurate. People have doubtless discovered James Morrison on any number of occasions. Many of them will discover him again. And again. And again. At no point will they remember discovering him previously. Even if they do, they'll probably just convince themselves that they're confusing him with someone else, which they could well be doing.

James Morrison isn't even a new name. Jim Morrison was completely rubbish, but I'd take him over his namesake any day.

And he's an idiot. He makes 'Last Goodbye' track 12 and there are 13 tracks. It's a schoolboy error really.