Lloyd Banks - really quite amazingly shit at wearing hats

Wearing hats is easy, you'd think. You just put the damn thing on your head and point it in the right direction. Job done.

Lloyd Banks hasn't mastered it though. He's shit at wearing hats.

Pointing the wrong way. He's not the first to make that mistake. If he studies the performances of more skilled hat-wearers, he can overcome this.


Perched too high and toppling over as a consequence. More force is required during the initial application of the hat.


Oh for fuck's sake.

Lloyd Banks - The Hunger For More

"Lloyd... Lloyd... Your cousin Harriet wishes to play badminton. Would you humour her? She looks up to you so."

"Well I've only just finished this battenburg, so perhaps a less active pursuit would be in order - like croquet."

"Croquet would be marvellous, Lloyd. Mother? Won't you join us. Croquet is so much more enjoyable with three, don't you think?"

"I couldn't agree more, Harriet, but unfortunately I must retire to the drawing room. The vicar will be arriving shortly."

"Oh, but you must ask him to play too. What could be more pleasant?"

"Very well."

"Won't this be delightful, Lloyd?"

"Yes, Harriet."

Lloyd Banks - Rotten Apple

"Lloyd... Lloyd! Come here and help Tarquin with his waistcoat. He's having a frightful time. It's all tangled up with his pocket watch."

You see, this is why rappers always give themselves ludicrous names (literally, in the case of Ludacris). You can't expect to get much 'speck if you're called Lloyd. He sounds like - well - he sounds like the kind of guy who'd help Tarquin with a waistcoat/pocket watch emergency.

I'm noticing a bit of a theme with the Hip and the Hop. Song titles are almost always one word long. How they haven't run out of words, I don't know. Particularly when they're so keen to retread the same ground.

It could be that they exhausted all the more predictable words during the making of this record, because while we get 'Survival', 'Help', 'Addicted' and 'Life'. We also get 'Cake', which is a bit of an unexpected turn in the land of pimping pistols and putting hoes in holes. Or whatever - I get mixed up.

'Cake' must surely be about one of the following: Cake the cake, the cakey cake we all love to eat; cake the drug that's totally fictitious and only appeared in Brass Eye; or Cake the band who recorded 'Going The Distance' and the finest cover of 'I Will Survive' you're ever likely to hear. Whichever it is, it's better than 'reppin' in yo' hood'.

"Lloyd... Lloyd! Come quickly. Tarquin's got battenburg all over his new blazer. Do be a love and help him out. Be careful with his pocket watch."