The Cat Empire - Two Shoes

"Emperor, it is time for thy meal. Are you hungry?"

[Enthusiastic look gives way to blank look.]

"You are hungry, but not for that. How about I provide thee with something different?"

[Enthusiastic look once again gives way to a blank one. The emperor wanders off.]

"No? You are not pleased with that either? Well perhaps we should attend to the empire. There are a number of matters that..."

[Emperor walks past the assistant and lies on top of some papers, ignoring the bed which is right next to him.]

"No, emperor, no. Er, could you, er, move elsewhere? Those papers are, er..."

[Emperor fixes his assistant with a steely gaze before closing his eyes.]

Lloyd Banks - The Hunger For More

"Lloyd... Lloyd... Your cousin Harriet wishes to play badminton. Would you humour her? She looks up to you so."

"Well I've only just finished this battenburg, so perhaps a less active pursuit would be in order - like croquet."

"Croquet would be marvellous, Lloyd. Mother? Won't you join us. Croquet is so much more enjoyable with three, don't you think?"

"I couldn't agree more, Harriet, but unfortunately I must retire to the drawing room. The vicar will be arriving shortly."

"Oh, but you must ask him to play too. What could be more pleasant?"

"Very well."

"Won't this be delightful, Lloyd?"

"Yes, Harriet."

Puff Daddy - Forever

Too long! Too long!

Track six is entitled 'Is This The End'. Alas not, there are 13 further tracks - a whole album's worth. This album truly does go on forever.

We previously came up with some brilliant alternative names for Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Sean Combs. We've come up with some more now.

The Boreinator 9000
The Dullinator 9000
The Overlonginator 9000
The Wankinator 9000

Akon - Trouble

Akon's not got a vest on.

This is clearly a variant on the old 'feeling the benefit' of only using your coat when necessary.

Akon has clearly become a bit cold. In order to combat this, he has stripped off his clothing and removed himself to an even colder place for a short period.

When he returns to the warmer environment, he will redress and consequently 'feel the benefit'.

The Game - The Documentary

Unexpectedly, this Game album is a concept piece inspired by Nick Broomfield's documentary about South African white supremacist, Eugene Terreblanche - hence the title 'The Documentary'.

The Game commented: "People may have expected me to record another album about the hood full of name-dropping of other west coast rap stars, but that's just not me.

"I was profoundly affected by Broomfield's portrait of Eugene Terreblanche. It was astonishing to realise that such a man could wield power in this day and age, but more than that, the film was an intriguing insight into a certain part of South African society.

"It was strange to see the human side of such outwardly hateful people, while at the same time, it was astounding to see the delusion behind their unsavoury beliefs.

"Hopefully this record will reflect that. I don't even say 'ho' on it or anything."

Black Eyed Peas - Elephunk

Later in their career, the Black Eyed Peas went on to release a song entitled 'Don't Phunk With My Heart'. 'Phunk' in that instance, clearly meant 'fuck'. That would mean that this album is rather intriguingly called 'Elefuck'.

Don't know what that means. Don't want to encounter it in my everyday life either - whatever it is.

If you're in the UK, you get a bonus track on Elephunk. It's called 'Rock My Shit'.

Rock it! Rock that shit! Scoop up the Black Eyed Peas excrement, cradle it in your arms and slowly try and help it to sleep with gentle movement. Rock the Black Eyed Peas' shit!

2Pac - 2Pacalypse Now

Not QUITE got the hang of this 'play on words' thing, have you Tupac?

He'd have been better off with '2Packets of crisps, please' or '2Pac or not 2Pac, that is the question (with my holiday in Portugal fast approaching)'.

But really he could have gone for a better name in the first place:

The Packinator 9000
The Twoinator 9000
The Shakinator 9000

The list's virtually endless.

Joe - Ain't Nothin' Like Me

It's Joe! Ain't nothin' like him. Ain't nothin' like Joe. Look at him. Look at Joe. Look at his huge face adorning the cover of this album. That's Joe's big face, that is.

You'd think that Joe was too common a name to let you remove your surname, but maybe not. I can't think of a great many Joes off the top of my head. Joe Pesci, Joe Mangle, Jo Brand. So I say good luck to him. Good luck to Joe.

Track five is called 'Go Hard'. What's your opinion? Is that likely to be rude or not. My feeling is that it probably is, but there's always the possibility that he's on about doing things TO THE MAX. A sort of 'no half measures' kind of statement: Go hard.

Alternatively, it might be the cricketing maxim that if you're going to take a swing at a ball you shouldn't really be swinging at, at least do it with conviction. That way, even if you edge it, the ball might be travelling too quickly to be caught. 'If you're going to go, go hard,' they say.

If not, who's he saying 'Go Hard' to? His mate?

Akala - It's Not A Rumour

Put on your slippers and settle down in your favourite armchair with a nice cup of tea or maybe a bottle of Bombardier if it's after 7pm. What better way to enjoy the reassuring presence of Akala?

Don't pay attention to track one, 'Stand Up' - remain seated.

Nod appreciatively to 'Yeah Yeah Yeah'. Perhaps pick up a crossword.

Ponder The Bard throughout 'Shakespeare'. Consider a nap.

'Bullshit' is a good time to start on the cheese and biscuits. Go for the stilton. This is living.

Roll wid Akala and his unnamed accomplice during 'Roll Wid Us'. Roll wid both of them. It's nice to be wid friends.

Spend the rest of the evening drifting in and out of sleep pondering whether 'Why Do' can ever make sense in any context whatsoever.

Black Eyed Peas - Monkey Business

I know what you're wondering: If this album were a song by Carter USM, which would it be? The answer, of course (and for once this actually makes sense), is 'The Music That Nobody Likes'.

You can read the titles of these songs and that's too much for most people.

Pump It - Maybe 'pump' means 'punch' in the US and maybe 'it' means Fergie's face.
Don't Phunk With My Heart - The only thing I'll be phunking with, is, well, nothing. You know why? Because 'phunk' isn't a phucking word.
My Humps - Nobody knows quite what she means when she sings this. Whichever bits you're talking about, they're not 'lovely'. They're syphilitic and cancerous.
Dum Diddly - What? Right, we've really got to come up with something here. We have to DO something.
Feel It - You're just desperate now, aren't you? Fortunately, I'm not.
They Don't Want Music - Marvellous. Now we're getting somewhere. Let's dwell on that thought and subsequently address it as best we can.
Bebot - Looks a bit like an anagram. Isn't.
Ba Bump - Is this a close relation to 'Dum Diddly' or 'My Humps'? Or are you, in fact, a load of wordless, infantile chumps who have failed to acquire language?
Audio Delite At Low Fidelity - Dee-Lite got away with it. You can't.
Do What You Want - That, I think you'll find, is legally binding. I have been given explicit permission to suffocate each and every one of Black Eyed Peas with a bin bag, chop them into pieces, boil them, stamp on them, burn the ensuing dust and then offer it back to them to smoke (somehow).

Alternatively I could just get someone to steal their microphones. That should do the trick.

See the cleverest joke on the whole of the internet here. One of 'Da Peas' is the subject.

Young Jeezy - The Inspiration: Thug Motivation 102

There's a lot of miscomprehension surrounding Young Jeezy and the songs on this album. I'll endeavour to put you straight.

Still On It: Don't forget that Jeezy is young. Very young. This is a song of triumph. Jeezy hasn't fallen off his bicycle despite his father's removal of his stabilisers. Go, Jeezy! Go!

U Know What It Is: The trick is to wheedle the information out of him stealthily. He'll give clues as to what the horrendous crayon abomination actually depicts. He wants U to Know What It Is. That's the key.

J.E.E.Z.Y: Commend him on his spelling first. Don't discourage him. Once he's happy, tell him that his real name is Jay Jenkins. You'll shatter his fragile confidence if you tell him this straight away.

I Luv It: Now reveal to him that it's a vegetable. He'll see them in a new light. It's step one towards a healthier diet.

3AM: Tell him he has to wait until at least 7am before he can open his presents.

Bury Me a G: Tell him to dig it up again, unless he wants it to say 'Youn Jeezy' on the fridge.

Mr 17.5: Learning about VAT is more fun if you use characters.

I Got Money: Tell him to put it in his piggy bank. If he keeps it long enough without spending it, tell him you'll add 10p. This will teach him the value of saving.

Nas - Hip Hop Is Dead

Then why am I categorising this 'hip hop'?

I think that originally Nas intended this album to be a sort of sign-off from the world of hip hop, but he had a change of heart. His uncle had offered him a job as a cad with the promise that he'd also supply the smoking jacket. All Nas had to do was grow a wispy moustache and then wax it.

Nas managed to operate as a cad for a few days, but the cadding industry has fallen on hard times since its hey-day in the 1950s. While there is much less demand for cads these days, there are still as many vying for the same business, so competition is fierce.

Nas was ill-prepared for such a cut-throat world and when his uncle demoted him to being a mere bounder, Nas jacked it in in favour of an easy life in hip hop.

Rumours that he is thinking of once again forsaking hip hop in pursuit of a career as a fop are, as yet, unsubstantiated.

2Pac - Pac's Life

I've just had a bit of a read about 2Pac and unfortunately there are too many shootings for me to glean any useful information.

I can't remember which shooting's which, they're so frequent. He was only 25 when he died. How did he fit it all in? Do you know how many shootings I've been involved in? None - and I'm 28.

The only factual nugget that stuck in my head was that he was convicted of "sexual abuse (forcibly touching the buttocks)". That's a quote. It was more sinister than that sounds though, so you probably shouldn't laugh.

Another vaguely funny 2Pac related fact with a sinister pay-off is the name of his godfather - Elmer 'Geronimo' Pratt. Elmer 'Geronimo' Pratt murdered a schoolteacher during a bank robbery.

Pac's Life is 2Pac's sixth posthumous album. This means that he has now released more records as a dead man than as a live one. Death's no longer the barrier to success that it once was.

I'm a bit bored with mocking hip hop song titles at the minute. Let's just say that there are altogether too many Zs in the track listing and too few Ss.

His first album was called 2Pacalypse Now. I'd have something to say about that title, if I were reviewing it. It's a work of bad-play-on-words genius.

Ghostface Killah - Fishscale

I know what you're wondering: If this album were a Carter USM song, which would it be? The answer, of course, is 'The Only Living Boy In New Cross'.

I've got to get myself a cool G name. Ghostface Killah's a cracker. You could easily go wrong with the [something]face bit. You don't want to go around with a name like knobface or cockface or prickface or penisface. Ghostface is pretty cool though. Clever.

Then there's the 'Killah' bit. It's basically 'killer' but he's changed the ending. Again, he's got this right. He could easily have gone for 'Killog' or 'Killen'. I mean the latter's a real surname. Wouldn't that have been embarrassing down at the squash club, when it was pointed out to him by a fellow rapper/racquet sport enthusiast?

There are some good song titles too. 'Return of Clyde Smith' - this song alludes to the little-known period immediately following the time when Clyde Smith went away. 'Shakey Dog' - this is about a dog that does a mean impression of Shakin' Stevens.

Other classics include, 'Ragu', the baffling '9 Milli Bros', 'Jellyfish' and 'Ironman take over'.

Obie Trice - Second Round's On Me

Thanks very much, Obie. Mine's a pint of Deuchar's IPA. Oh and could you get me some bacon fries? Cheers.

Obie Trice, or more accurately, Obie Trice III is very proud that he uses his real name and not a rap pseudonym. Well that's all very well for you, Obie. What about poor Lloyd Banks? He's copying you and he doesn't have the luxury of a cool name.

"All right Mrs Trice. Is your Obie playing out?" It's right up there with Teddy Pendergrass in the pantheon of great names in pop.

If he did decide to go for a 'special' hip hop name. Here are some suggestions: 'The Obinator 9000', 'The Tricinator 9000'.

The list is virtually endless.

Track one of Second Round's On Me is entitled 'Intro'. He knows what he's doing, this Obie Trice. He really does.

Lloyd Banks - Rotten Apple

"Lloyd... Lloyd! Come here and help Tarquin with his waistcoat. He's having a frightful time. It's all tangled up with his pocket watch."

You see, this is why rappers always give themselves ludicrous names (literally, in the case of Ludacris). You can't expect to get much 'speck if you're called Lloyd. He sounds like - well - he sounds like the kind of guy who'd help Tarquin with a waistcoat/pocket watch emergency.

I'm noticing a bit of a theme with the Hip and the Hop. Song titles are almost always one word long. How they haven't run out of words, I don't know. Particularly when they're so keen to retread the same ground.

It could be that they exhausted all the more predictable words during the making of this record, because while we get 'Survival', 'Help', 'Addicted' and 'Life'. We also get 'Cake', which is a bit of an unexpected turn in the land of pimping pistols and putting hoes in holes. Or whatever - I get mixed up.

'Cake' must surely be about one of the following: Cake the cake, the cakey cake we all love to eat; cake the drug that's totally fictitious and only appeared in Brass Eye; or Cake the band who recorded 'Going The Distance' and the finest cover of 'I Will Survive' you're ever likely to hear. Whichever it is, it's better than 'reppin' in yo' hood'.

"Lloyd... Lloyd! Come quickly. Tarquin's got battenburg all over his new blazer. Do be a love and help him out. Be careful with his pocket watch."

50 Cent - The Massacre

If you've read much of this site, you'd be forgiven for thinking that I didn't know much about hip hop culture. You might even think that I'm disconnected from 'the street', but you'd be sorely mistaken.

Like most men my age, I know all the words to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. In fact I'm relatively familiar with a number of Fresh Prince songs. Not only that - I also know that 50 Cent is pronounced Fiddy. Check me out homez.

I got a lot of 'speck for Fiddy. He one bad G. And now I'm going to tell you why. 50 Cent starts his album with 'Intro'. Wise man. You can always get round me that way, even if you're the kind of person who isn't embarrassed to call an album The Massacre.

Track two, 'In My Hood' - presumably the contents are 50 Cent's head. We can only hope that the hood is over his head, but his arms aren't in the sleeves and that he's running round pretending to be Superman with his coat playing the part of Superman's cape.

However, in the debit column, we must include 'Candy Shop' which is a right dirge. The best thing about this song is trying to work out just how inappropriate the emotionless murmurs of 'yeah' and 'uh-huh' are. It's the most pedestrian song you've ever heard in your life. No-one would be moved to any kind of spontaneous appreciation, as signified by a 'yeah'. You'd think the place was rockin' the way Fiddy keeps saying it. But it isn't. It isn't rocking at all. Far from it.

It's a barely credible delivery anyway. It's the kind of 'yeah' that a teenager gives when they agree to do some sort of inconsequential task, but they're not happy about it. "So you're going to clear the table then?" "Yeah." It's the equivalent of whooping during a school teacher's rendition of Scarborough Fair

Chamillionaire - The Sound of Revenge

It's a desperate, last minute update because I didn't know I'd run out of saved ones! Everyone bask in its ill-thought-out amateurism.

Chamillionaire. I have literally NO CLUE who this guy is. I've got a fair idea from the front cover of his album though. My guess is that his interests include 'phat rides' and saying 'yeah' at a low pitch in an aggressive manner.

Other than that, it's tricky to decide where I stand. Chameleons - good. Millionaires - bad. It's a poser and no mistake.

Wait! Decision made. 'Outro' is track 16. There are 17 tracks. It's unforgivable. We've made up our mind and we won't be shifted: Chamillionaire is as thick as pigshit - pigshit that's been boiled for a great length of time and then had flour added to it. Now that's thick.

Does anyone know what the sound of revenge is? I can see Chamillionaire's version being a gunshot or something, but what would you have as the sound of revenge? Would it be the sound of someone weeing in a private swimming pool while the owners were out? Would it be the sound of a stolen packed lunch striking the school wall? Would it be someone saying: "Excuse me officer, but that man's got some drugs up his bottom - check if you don't believe me"?

Whatever it is, chances are it doesn't feature on this album. However, if you're after a low octave 'yeah' or two. Look no further. Probably.

Snoop Dogg - Tha Blue Carpet Treatment

No chillin' for Snoop Dogg. He goes one better than The Game by refusing to include even one solitary track devoid of the 'explicit' badge of hip hop honour. A full 21 tracks of unexpurgated filth. You go, Snoop. You go.

He's not bad at naming songs either, despite his inferior spelling skills. We get some classics on this album, including the unimprovable 'That's That Shit' and the incomprehensible 'Beat Up On Yo Pads'. I'm reading 'pads' as 'home or place of dwelling' there and I still don't get it. Why would you beat up your house? It's brick.

Snoop's also mastered the art of naming album openers. A lot of people seem to call track nine 'The Start' or something like that, which is really missing the point. Snoop knows that any kind of song title that refers to a beginning or the start has to be track one. Here we get 'Intrology' which is the scientific study of beginnings.

The last question that needs answering is what 'Tha Blue Carpet Treatment' is. As you no doubt know by now, I'm down with the kids, but even I'm a bit out of the loop on this one. However, I've a failsafe technique for interpreting what Snoop means: It's always something rude.

So there you go: 'Tha Blue Carpet Treatment' is something rude.

The Game - Doctor's Advocate

I frigging hate The Game and I'll tell you why. I play this game called The Game. The rules of The Game are that if you think of The Game, you lose The Game. You can't win. You can only lose. The only way you can think about The Game without losing The Game is if someone else has just lost it and mentioned the fact.

As you might expect, I tend to lose The Game when I hear The Game's name mentioned. I have a similar problem with the film called The Game, starring Michael Douglas.

My second problem with The Game, the rapper, is that The Game is a quite astonishingly ludicrous and nonsensical name. I mean, 'The'? Who calls themself 'The' anything? Even Sting doesn't call himself 'The' and he's a prick these days.

Track 16 is entitled 'Why You Hate The Game' so presumably he just repeats the points I've just made. Maybe he meant to include a question mark at the end, in which case the reasons above should function as an answer.

At least the album title, Doctor's Advocate, indicates that The Game has a healthy respect for the medical profession. Maybe proceeds from sales go straight to the NHS or something. That would make up for all the rude words included on this record. Only one track, the last one, isn't labelled 'explicit'. It's called 'I'm Chillin'.

I think I might add an 'explicit' tag to this site. Everyone knows that it acts like a beacon for children and teenagers who come in search of boobs and guns.