Monday, 25 February 2008

Grooverider sentenced to four years in prison

Wish I was called GrooveriderPoor Fabio - he's the real victim in this.

Grooverider was charged in the UAE because he arrived with some cannabis in his luggage. He said: "Back home I would not even get prosecuted."

He's now got four years to work out why that's not a good defence in a court of law in Dubai.

Thursday, 7 February 2008

Hot Chip - Made In The Dark

Okay, this is going to sound cruel and I don't feel great about it because the guys from Hot Chip seem quite nice - especially the beardy one who looks like he runs a kebab shop. But some questions demand answers.

Alexis Taylor's appearance: is it a joke? I'm presuming that it is, but if it isn't a joke, then it's really, really offensive that I just asked that.

Consider the facts. There are the vastly oversized glasses and the has-to-be-a-joke extreme side parting. Yet added to this is an ear stud. It's one half winner of 'dorkiest accountant of the Eighties' and the other half's Essex wide boy (of the Eighties).

Don't do an image search for Alexis Taylor, by the way. Turns out there's an altogether ruder female Alexis Taylor. Don't do it, do it, do it, do it; do it, do it, do it now.

Friday, 25 January 2008

Britney Spears' face looks like a Norman helmet

I had a really low-key epiphany the other day. Britney Spears' face looks like a Norman helmet. It's the way her forehead and nose protrude beyond the rest of her face.

Obviously everyone's nose sticks out, but Britney's sticks out the exact same amount as her forehead, as if it's one, solid unit.


Norman helmet:

Norman helmet:


Pretty persuasive, I'm sure you'll agree.

If I can narrow it down further, it's the very top of the nose, between the eyes. It's flat with her eyebrows there and as the nose proceeds downwards, it doesn't actually get any further away from her face. It's totally flat. As flat as her singing voice.

Tuesday, 22 January 2008

P Puff Diddy Daddy adopts least humourous name yet

He wants to be known as Sean John now. Don't know what was wrong with all of my suggestions. They were much better than that.

Since when do you get to pick your own nicknames anyway? Nicknames aren't self-applied. They're granted to you by benevolent peers.

Do you think I chose to be called 'piss flaps'? No. That was most definitely not a name I chose for myself. I'd have gone for something catchy like 'Lord Megachief of Gold'.

The campaign to have Sean John known as 'Horror Turd' starts here.

Monday, 21 January 2008

Britney Spears involved in activity

There was a 'high speed chase' involving Britney Spears the other day. Turns out it wasn't her, it was some paparazzi following her though.

The most shocking aspect of this, however, is that some reports have referred to a new Britney album that's apparently been released.

Britney Spears doesn't make records, does she? I thought she just looned around all wild-eyed and hairless (in many places).

Nobody's interested in Britney Spears on any level. Newspapers and websites report anything about her on the grounds that everyone else is doing the same. These reports are all met with a huge groundswell of apathy.

That's the thinking behind this website: pick the stories that nobody's interested in and then write about how no-one's interested.

That's how to build an audience.

Thursday, 17 January 2008

Foxy Brown hatches ingenious plot to escape from jail

Foxy Brown: nutterShe's got a note from her mum. It worked for cross-country, it'll work for prison, seems to be her rationale.

Foxy Brown's in prison for assaulting people in a beauty salon. Bizarrely, she's done this twice. Maybe the mirrors send her mental.

Anyway, in the middle of a one-year prison sentence, she's asking to be released because she's got earache. This might set a dangerous precedent whereby murderers, rapists and the like get out because of ingrowing toenails. It's mean to make them endure such torment whilst incarcerated.

If you ask me, Foxy Brown should receive a lengthy sentence for self-applying the moniker 'Foxy'.

Friday, 4 January 2008

Sugababe gets sneered at by newspaper

AmelleThe Daily Star's reporting how Amelle from the Sugababes is living in a mobile home.

As far as I can tell, her boyfriend's mum lives in 'a prefab chalet' and Amelle's staying with her because it's easier to visit her boyfriend in hospital from there.

Her boyfriend was attacked by a bloke with a machete at New Year.

Well done, the Daily Star. Maybe if he'd died you could have mocked Amelle for going to the funeral rather than 'her usual glamorous parties' that she probably doesn't really go to anyway.