Hot Chip - Made In The Dark

Okay, this is going to sound cruel and I don't feel great about it because the guys from Hot Chip seem quite nice - especially the beardy one who looks like he runs a kebab shop. But some questions demand answers.

Alexis Taylor's appearance: is it a joke? I'm presuming that it is, but if it isn't a joke, then it's really, really offensive that I just asked that.

Consider the facts. There are the vastly oversized glasses and the has-to-be-a-joke extreme side parting. Yet added to this is an ear stud. It's one half winner of 'dorkiest accountant of the Eighties' and the other half's Essex wide boy (of the Eighties).

Don't do an image search for Alexis Taylor, by the way. Turns out there's an altogether ruder female Alexis Taylor. Don't do it, do it, do it, do it; do it, do it, do it now.

Chemical Brothers - Singles 93-03

The Chemical Brothers must be the only band in the world who could release a singles compilation that would be inferior to each and every one of their other albums.

It's not that their singles are bad. They're relatively bad, in the sense that they tend to be the inferior songs off any given album, give or take the odd exception. Mostly it's just the result of remarkably high standards of album. Get any Chemical Brothers album and it's brilliant.

Some people call The Chemical Brothers 'The Chemicals' which is totally moronic. They're 'brothers' who are 'chemical'. They're not 'chemicals'. Actually, they're not brothers, but they're more brothers than they are chemicals.

Same goes for 'The Arctics' although 'The Monkeys' could be confusing, I admit. Doesn't matter. Call them 'The Monkeys' or call them 'Arctic Monkeys'. Those are the options.

Paul Oakenfold - Greatest Hits And Remixes

Or 'Starry Eyed Surprise and Remixes' as it should be called. Probably the Big Brother music's on there as well, but I don't know what it's called. I wonder how many people will pick up this album, scour the sleeve for 'Big Brother Choon' and then put it back down again, disappointed.

This is probably quite good, overall. Paul Oakenfold remixes do tend to improve on the originals and if you think that they don't, try listening to the original of almost any of the tracks on this album.

"This isn't the original," you'll be saying. Yes, it is, actually. You just think that Paul Oakenfold's remix is the original.

One of the prickiest covers to an album in living memory though.

Hed Kandi - Summer Sampler 2007: A Taste Of Kandi

Holy shit! Was it only yesterday that we were bemoaning Hed Kandi's summer output?

Look at this cover. Four cartoon women. FOUR! It's a new record, even if the blonde one second from the right looks like she's a bit of a dick. That still leaves three and a spare in case one of the other three likes talking about Big Brother.

I think I recognise the one on the right from 'The Mix', but that's okay because she's a good one. Hed Kandi can use the good ones as many times as they like.

Speaking of which, they should feel free to use the other dark-haired one on everything from now on. In fact, I'm tempted to start a campaign to have her put on stamps.

Look at her face. She clearly knows stuff that you don't know. And I bet she could spend a week in the same room as you without so much as acknowledging your presence, even if you were the only other person there and you were bright yellow and 300 feet tall.

Hed Kandi - The Mix, Summer 2007

It's summer! That means the Hed Kandi cartoon women are, er, doing the same as they normally do: cavorting around in bikinis, looking bored and taunting you with both of their dimensions.

Sadly, however, Hed Kandi have once again made 'the blonde error' on their cover. And look at that outfit. It's ludicrous. If the Hed Kandi women wear bikinis in winter, they should be wearing LESS in summer. They certainly shouldn't sport bastardised one-pieces.

This Hed Kandi woman makes even the last one look good. Rubbish.

And look at the ones in the background. They look they'd be great. It's infuriating amateurism from Hed Kandi, once again.

Madonna - Confessions On A Dance Floor

Confessions to make on a dancefloor:

I know I said I couldn't dance, but actually I spent three years at disco school.

I have to confess: I wrote this song.

Confessions not to make on a dance floor:

Any kind of rhythmic movement makes me engorged down below.

It's my fault you're dancing weirdly. I spiked your drink with barbiturates.

Chemical Brothers - We Are The Night

Every single Chemical Brothers album is near-flawless. Sometimes you read a review saying that such-and-such an album showed them 'off-form' or was 'below par'. These reviewers are demented simpletons with no critical faculties. Every single Chemical Brothers album is near-flawless.

Some albums are better than others, but mostly it's a matter of taste. The fact is that any Chemical Brothers song is nine times more ambitious and imaginitive than anything else around. Listening to a Chemical Brothers song for the first time, you can not know where it's going to go. This is a good thing.

It's strange then that they've decided to release a rubbish song, 'Do It Again,' as the first single off We Are The Night. It's okay though, because the first single off Come With Us - 'It Began In Afrika' - was also rubbish.

That's rubbish by Chemical Brothers standards of course. If a rubbish Chemical Brothers song is a glass of chilled champagne, then the next best song of the year is half a mug of cold, weak Bovril with a poo floating in it.

Various Artists - Hed Kandi - Serve Chilled

A highly disappointing release from Hed Kandi. It only features one cartoon woman on the front cover and she's a blonde one. As I've previously informed you: Never the blonde cartoon woman from the Hed Kandi albums; always one of the other ones.

She's in close-up as well, so you can't see the saucy cartoon outfit she's no doubt barely wearing. She appears to be on a beach, so it would probably be some form of bikini.

All I can think about is the much better cartoon women who are cavorting around in bikinis off-canvas - probably playing volleyball or emerging from the surf looking like they've some place better to be.

Those cartoon women are the ones who should be representing this album: The surly, disinterested, non-blonde ones. This girl looks like she might actually speak to you. Rubbish. If you'd bought her that rocket lolly, she'd probably have said 'thank you' rather than just looking away from you with barely concealed contempt.

Various Artists - Saturday Night Fever

Come on everybody. Do the pointing dance!

Yeah, they were great days when you could be cool through the simple method of repeatedly and rhythmically pointing. Point up. Point down. Point up. Point down. Point up and hold the point. Even I can do that.

Look at you. I can see you're raring to go just reading about it. You want to travel to Disco Mountain. Let's go! Let's go to Disco Mountain! Put on your Boogie Shoes and let's climb Disco Mountain!

I hope there are monkeys on Disco Mountain. The Saturday Night Fever soundtrack gives no clear indication as to whether there are or not. Imagine you're atop a mountain doing the pointing dance and each of your points has a target. Imagine! Each dynamite point is directed right at a monkey. Brilliant!

In response, the monkeys do a Calypso Breakdown and then point right back at you.

Various Artists - Disco Kandi - The Mix

I love the Hed Kandi albums. Which of the cartoon women do you fancy?

On this album cover, I think I'm going for the one on the right. No, wait - the one on the left. Definitely the one on the left. She's not smiling as much.

Not the blonde one though. Never the blonde one.

The other great game you get to play is 'which artist has got the stupidest name'. This is a box set of three CDs. There are 14 tracks on each CD. I barely know anyone who appears on it, but the names - oh, the names are heaven-sent. It's even better if you imagine exactly what these people will be like in person.

Teddy Douglas - least cool name in the history of house.
Kid Massive - not 'Massive Kid'.
Dennis Christopher - second least cool name in the history of house.
Wez Clarke - that Z can't save you Wesley.
Dave Spoon - more people should have this name. Many more.
Freak 'n' Funky - they've called themselves that.
Dogsax - don't really know what to say about this one.
Mr Groove and Vergas - they've called THEMSELVES that. 'Mr Groove!'

Zero 7 - The Garden

The Garden doesn't sound quite wispy and ineffectual enough for something by Zero 7. A garden could potentially contain solid elements like walls and chairs. Zero 7 are less palpable than that.

Here are some better names for a Zero 7 album: Lavender; Some Lavender fluttering in the breeze; Lavender Flowers; A Waft Of Lavender On The Breeze; Massaged With Lavender.

Any of those, really. Anything just so long as the words barely form anything in your mind at all. Listening to Zero 7 is akin to having a fight with a butterfly. You want to lash out, but it's probably just better to ignore it and eventually it'll go away.

I don't need music to 'chill out' to. I can chill out unaided. Give me five minutes without anything I absolutely HAVE to do and I'll be chilled out. Put some chill out music on though and I'll feel something more akin to despair or profound misery. I think it's the idea that you have to be cool even when you're chilling out. Coolness has no place when chilling.

I don't chill out. I don't know what I'm talking about. Sometimes I sit down and drink tea or stare into space. That's not chilling. You've got to be deadly serious about chilling. Chilling's no joke.

Madonna - The Confessions Tour [Live]

People sometimes try and tell me that Madonna has always had a gap between her front teeth, but I'm not having it. As far as I'm concerned, she didn't used to have a gap between her front teeth and now she does.

People (different people) say that in life, it's important to have faith. They say that sometimes you need to just believe without needing facts. They might be on about God or something, but I feel that way about the gap in Madonna's front teeth.

It seems unlikely that someone would develop a gap in their teeth as they got older, but I believe. You can show me old photographs or whatever, but I won't be swayed by your 'facts'. Madonna didn't used to have a gap between her front teeth and now she does.

I can even pinpoint when it happened. It was when she got muscly. Was that when Ray Of Light came out? I think she tried to hide the new gap between her teeth by distracting everyone with her muscles. Well she didn't get one over on me.

You think 'burying' the gap-in-your-front-teeth-news was clever don't you, Madonna? You think getting all muscly was enough to fool Joe Public. Well I've got news for you. I'm onto you. I know that you didn't used to have a gap between your front teeth and now you do.

Hot Chip - The Warning

I can't shake the feeling that this band are from the Seventies. Who am I thinking of?

Track two on this album is entitled 'And I Was A Boy From School' - so who is Hot Chip? Let's look at the facts: They were from school; they're a boy. That doesn't especially narrow it down, so I'm going to need more facts to go off.

Track 12 is 'Won't Wash', so that does narrow it down quite a lot. My money's on it being Alec. Track 11's 'No Fit State' so that would seem to back this up.

I'm not sure if I want to buy records by Alec. I don't really want to encourage him. On the other hand, maybe encouragement's what he needs. It's just that I can't shake the feeling that the CD case would smell. Maybe that's what The Warning of the title is. Either the smell's a warning to leave the CD or the warning's in advance of the smell.

Either way, I'm off chips for a few days.

Just Jack - Overtones

The first time I heard of Just Jack he was on telly. It was wispy disco of no real consequence. Now he keeps appearing on the radio and it's pissing me off.

I don't even listen to the radio that much at the minute, so he must be really annoying to get under my skin with such little exposure. He's this week's Sixpence None The Richer. I fucking hate Sixpence None The Richer. One day I'll tell you why.

What I also didn't know and hasn't helped their cause, is that the single, 'Starz In Their Eyes', is spelt the way it is. Add that to the underwhelming and obscenely repetitive delivery of the chorus and you've got a super-smash hit of the wankest quality on your hands.

There's something about the way the different sections of the song roll into each other that pisses me off as well - like Just Jack's constantly on some quest to surprise you. If you know that someone's trying to surprise you, you can't be surprised.

It reminds me of the band that Christopher Moltisanti tries to manage in The Sopranos. They sing a song with fifteen different segments, but no chorus, as the producer is forced to tell them in despair.

Just Jack previously completed a degree in furniture design (honestly). And he thought THAT was a waste of time.