Hed Kandi - Summer Sampler 2007: A Taste Of Kandi

Holy shit! Was it only yesterday that we were bemoaning Hed Kandi's summer output?

Look at this cover. Four cartoon women. FOUR! It's a new record, even if the blonde one second from the right looks like she's a bit of a dick. That still leaves three and a spare in case one of the other three likes talking about Big Brother.

I think I recognise the one on the right from 'The Mix', but that's okay because she's a good one. Hed Kandi can use the good ones as many times as they like.

Speaking of which, they should feel free to use the other dark-haired one on everything from now on. In fact, I'm tempted to start a campaign to have her put on stamps.

Look at her face. She clearly knows stuff that you don't know. And I bet she could spend a week in the same room as you without so much as acknowledging your presence, even if you were the only other person there and you were bright yellow and 300 feet tall.

Hed Kandi - The Mix, Summer 2007

It's summer! That means the Hed Kandi cartoon women are, er, doing the same as they normally do: cavorting around in bikinis, looking bored and taunting you with both of their dimensions.

Sadly, however, Hed Kandi have once again made 'the blonde error' on their cover. And look at that outfit. It's ludicrous. If the Hed Kandi women wear bikinis in winter, they should be wearing LESS in summer. They certainly shouldn't sport bastardised one-pieces.

This Hed Kandi woman makes even the last one look good. Rubbish.

And look at the ones in the background. They look they'd be great. It's infuriating amateurism from Hed Kandi, once again.

Madonna - Confessions On A Dance Floor

Confessions to make on a dancefloor:

I know I said I couldn't dance, but actually I spent three years at disco school.

I have to confess: I wrote this song.

Confessions not to make on a dance floor:

Any kind of rhythmic movement makes me engorged down below.

It's my fault you're dancing weirdly. I spiked your drink with barbiturates.

Sophie Ellis Bextor - Trip The Light Fantastic

Sophie Ellis Bextor's supposed to be attractive. Oh yeah? Why does she look like the fucking moon then?

Look at her face. It's almost perfectly spherical, pale enough to blind you by reflecting the sun's rays straight into your unguarded retinas and sports practically no features. It's the fucking moon.

I wouldn't go within 238,857 miles of her. I wouldn't touch her with Apollo 11.

Various Artists - The Best Disco In Town

Here's what the best disco in town must feature:

Very comfy armchairs

A selection of alcoholic drinks that don't taste worryingly chemical

A broad menu

Waiter service

A large television broadcasting live Test match cricket and then series three of The Wire after close of play

Here's what the best disco in town mustn't feature:

Bald men with tiny eyes, shiny shirts and short tempers

Disco music

Various Artists - Hed Kandi - Serve Chilled

A highly disappointing release from Hed Kandi. It only features one cartoon woman on the front cover and she's a blonde one. As I've previously informed you: Never the blonde cartoon woman from the Hed Kandi albums; always one of the other ones.

She's in close-up as well, so you can't see the saucy cartoon outfit she's no doubt barely wearing. She appears to be on a beach, so it would probably be some form of bikini.

All I can think about is the much better cartoon women who are cavorting around in bikinis off-canvas - probably playing volleyball or emerging from the surf looking like they've some place better to be.

Those cartoon women are the ones who should be representing this album: The surly, disinterested, non-blonde ones. This girl looks like she might actually speak to you. Rubbish. If you'd bought her that rocket lolly, she'd probably have said 'thank you' rather than just looking away from you with barely concealed contempt.

Various Artists - Saturday Night Fever

Come on everybody. Do the pointing dance!

Yeah, they were great days when you could be cool through the simple method of repeatedly and rhythmically pointing. Point up. Point down. Point up. Point down. Point up and hold the point. Even I can do that.

Look at you. I can see you're raring to go just reading about it. You want to travel to Disco Mountain. Let's go! Let's go to Disco Mountain! Put on your Boogie Shoes and let's climb Disco Mountain!

I hope there are monkeys on Disco Mountain. The Saturday Night Fever soundtrack gives no clear indication as to whether there are or not. Imagine you're atop a mountain doing the pointing dance and each of your points has a target. Imagine! Each dynamite point is directed right at a monkey. Brilliant!

In response, the monkeys do a Calypso Breakdown and then point right back at you.

Various Artists - Disco Kandi - The Mix

I love the Hed Kandi albums. Which of the cartoon women do you fancy?

On this album cover, I think I'm going for the one on the right. No, wait - the one on the left. Definitely the one on the left. She's not smiling as much.

Not the blonde one though. Never the blonde one.

The other great game you get to play is 'which artist has got the stupidest name'. This is a box set of three CDs. There are 14 tracks on each CD. I barely know anyone who appears on it, but the names - oh, the names are heaven-sent. It's even better if you imagine exactly what these people will be like in person.

Teddy Douglas - least cool name in the history of house.
Kid Massive - not 'Massive Kid'.
Dennis Christopher - second least cool name in the history of house.
Wez Clarke - that Z can't save you Wesley.
Dave Spoon - more people should have this name. Many more.
Freak 'n' Funky - they've called themselves that.
Dogsax - don't really know what to say about this one.
Mr Groove and Vergas - they've called THEMSELVES that. 'Mr Groove!'

Madonna - The Confessions Tour [Live]

People sometimes try and tell me that Madonna has always had a gap between her front teeth, but I'm not having it. As far as I'm concerned, she didn't used to have a gap between her front teeth and now she does.

People (different people) say that in life, it's important to have faith. They say that sometimes you need to just believe without needing facts. They might be on about God or something, but I feel that way about the gap in Madonna's front teeth.

It seems unlikely that someone would develop a gap in their teeth as they got older, but I believe. You can show me old photographs or whatever, but I won't be swayed by your 'facts'. Madonna didn't used to have a gap between her front teeth and now she does.

I can even pinpoint when it happened. It was when she got muscly. Was that when Ray Of Light came out? I think she tried to hide the new gap between her teeth by distracting everyone with her muscles. Well she didn't get one over on me.

You think 'burying' the gap-in-your-front-teeth-news was clever don't you, Madonna? You think getting all muscly was enough to fool Joe Public. Well I've got news for you. I'm onto you. I know that you didn't used to have a gap between your front teeth and now you do.

Just Jack - Overtones

The first time I heard of Just Jack he was on telly. It was wispy disco of no real consequence. Now he keeps appearing on the radio and it's pissing me off.

I don't even listen to the radio that much at the minute, so he must be really annoying to get under my skin with such little exposure. He's this week's Sixpence None The Richer. I fucking hate Sixpence None The Richer. One day I'll tell you why.

What I also didn't know and hasn't helped their cause, is that the single, 'Starz In Their Eyes', is spelt the way it is. Add that to the underwhelming and obscenely repetitive delivery of the chorus and you've got a super-smash hit of the wankest quality on your hands.

There's something about the way the different sections of the song roll into each other that pisses me off as well - like Just Jack's constantly on some quest to surprise you. If you know that someone's trying to surprise you, you can't be surprised.

It reminds me of the band that Christopher Moltisanti tries to manage in The Sopranos. They sing a song with fifteen different segments, but no chorus, as the producer is forced to tell them in despair.

Just Jack previously completed a degree in furniture design (honestly). And he thought THAT was a waste of time.

Scissor Sisters - Ta-Dah!

The Scissor Sisters all have ridiculous names. One's called Babydaddy - that's probably the worst of them. I won't bother naming the others. If you don't know, you get the idea from 'Babydaddy' don't you?

The main guy's got really intense, mad, staring eyes. He kind of looks like Damien Martyn who used to play cricket for Australia, only Damien Martyn was marginally less sinister and didn't dance like your mum.

Then there's a woman and two other guys who are fairly unmemorable, but fit the whole Scissor Sisters schtick. Then there's this guy who looks like he works in the kebab house. I love him. Burly guy. Beard. Kind of bored-looking.

There's a song on Ta-Dah! called 'Land of a Thousand Words'. Usually when there's a land-of-a-thousand-somethings, a thousand is a lot. Not with words though. A thousand's nowhere near enough to sustain a decent system of communication. I'm not sure whether this song title's (a) clever or (b) stupid.