Justin Timberlake - Future Sex

"I'm a tiny, fey, inconsequential little munchkin. I've had the last vestiges of independent thought groomed out of me by record company oppressors. My hair is short and neat. My sexuality is overt but non-threatening. I'm fun, sensitive, definitely hetero, but maybe a bit gay and I sing like a woman."

That's what Justin Timberlake says to me.

No, literally. Get off the fucking phone, Justin. I'm trying to work. I know. I know how you see yourself. Leave me alone. Stop stalking me. Who do you think I am? A fourteen-year-old groupie? I'm not. I'm a man in a cardigan looking forward to a pint of real ale. I'm not your type.

Future Sex is all about the sex. It's all about the sex and a little bit about the love, but mostly it's about the sex. He's like one of those lonely leg-loving dogs, our Justin.

Track one, 'Futuresex/Lovesound' - both sex and love. Track two, 'Sexyback' - just sex. Track three, 'Sexy Ladies/Let Me Talk to You (Prelude)' - just sex again, maybe with a little bit of talking. Mercifully, he's found the space bar by track three, at least. Stop blending words into one, you manicured marmoset.

Justin Timberlake appears to be playing football with a goldfish bowl on the cover. Go on. Head it, you idiot.