Placebo lose drummer

He's probably at the airport. You always lose something there.

Either that or the rest of the band are looking at the spot where they expect the drummer to be, but for some reason that spot's about three inches to one side of where he actually is.

That's how we always lose things. They're always pretty much exactly where we thought they were, only for some reason we can't see them.

Unmarried lead singer, Brian Molko, said: "Being in a band is very much like being in a marriage. People can grow apart over the years."

It is rumoured that Placebo's drummer had a name, but that is, as yet, unconfirmed.

Rilo Kiley - Under The Blacklight

Rilo Kiley's lead guitarist, Blake Sennett, used to appear in an American comedy show called 'Salute Your Shorts'. I for one applaud this title and the meaning therein.

Many garments aren't given the respect that they deserve. Shorts are held in particularly low esteem. Try getting into a high-roller's casino whilst wearing shorts. You've no chance.

So let's reclaim some dignity for these underrated coverers of our lower parts. They do sterling work for little or no reward. Salute your shorts. It's the least you can do.

You should also genuflect before your gloves and bow to your socks.

The Polyphonic Spree - The Fragile Army

What are The Fragile Army made of?

I'd bet they were made of something brittle. Fragility's a flexible sort of concept. It varies slightly according to context. In the context of an army something rigid but with no resistance to impact would be considered fragile. Glass maybe or some sort of ceramic.

Not rubber though. Rubber wouldn't be a bad material with which to construct an army. Weapons would bounce off and the soldiers would be good and supple. Rubber's the way forward.

The Thrills - Teenager

Hands up who likes approximating the strained, cracked vocals of The Thrills' lead singer. Be honest.

Of course you do. It's because it's easy. Or at least it appears easy until the radio switches off and you hear yourself.

I like The Thrills' shameless desire to be from California. Ordinarily, trying to be in some way American when you're not (or even if you are) is a pretty unforgivable crime, but here the alternative permits it. At least The Thrills aren't cheeky, fun-loving Irishmen who like a drink.

Besides, they don't just adopt the vocal style and melody, they actually bother to go and live there. It's kind of like method acting.

However, this album was recorded in Vancouver, which is resolutely not Californian. For one thing it rains like frigging murder there. Not sure how this'll impact on The Thrills' inconsequential chirpiness.

The Coral - Roots and Echoes

The Coral seem to labour under the misapprehension that melody is in some way 'enough'.

It's not. More psychedelia. More effort. Try and do a track which is a bit more rock 'n' roll and a bit less pastoral and agreeable.

Somebody needs to crank up the overdrive on the amps and irritate the drummer into a more vigorous performance by calling him names. Not good names, either. Not 'The Drumminator 9000' or 'The Rhythminator 9000' or anything like that. More like 'wee-pants' or 'gay-face'.

Less love. More hate. Like real life.

Kate Nash - Made Of Bricks

Is it a house? It's a house, isn't it? Or a robust garage. More likely a house though.

What else could it be? What else do you make out of bricks? A pile of bricks is made of bricks. A raised flower bed?

The single off this album's called 'Foundations' which is also a piece of construction terminology or 'jargon'. Is Kate Nash a builder? I don't know. I've only heard that one song and it was a bit embarrassing actually, so if it were made by a builder I'd feel better, because at least I'd know she had a career to fall back on.

There's a song called 'Shit Song' as well. People always do this on records these days to try and pre-empt and therefore nullify criticism. Robbie Williams did a song called 'Dickhead', but, undaunted, I called him a dickhead anyway.

I'll go so far as to say that 'Shit Song' is a shit song as well - and I've already admitted that I haven't heard it.

The Killers - Hot Fuss

You're an alternative sort of person, aren't you? You're independently-minded. You like a bit of guitar - none of this crappy pop music.

Why not switch on XFM in one of its guises and listen to The Killers because they're only on EVERY OTHER FUCKING SONG.

Then maybe you can phone in and tell everyone how you're just 'chilling out' and how you've maybe got a beer because it's nice weather and it's a Friday.

Mr Brightside, which is on Hot Fuss, is particularly annoying. The fact that Mr Brightside is astonishingly popular is a mark of just how out of step with the world I am.

It's also a mark of how stupid and wrong the rest of the world is. 50 million people can't be wrong, eh? Take a listen to Mr Brightside and think again.

Cooper Temple Clause - See This Through And Leave

The Cooper Temple Clause, like Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, appear to have a band name consisting of randomly selected nouns.

I love names like that. Redcar in the North-East is a great spot for names consisting of random nouns, so long as you read it as 'Red Car'. So you get 'Red Car Baths' and 'Red Car Library'. Brilliant.

However, we have seen the king of random noun names. It's on a sign in York and it will never be bettered.

It's on a road called Monk Bar and it's a garage selling spare parts for a car called the MG Midget.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

Monk Bar Garage York Midget Spares

Out-noun that bad boy.

Keane - Hopes and Fears

What do you think Keane's hopes and fears might be?

Hope: The Earl of Rochester will take the hand of sister Phillipa, thus increasing the Keane family's land.

Fear: The Earl of Rochester will continue visiting Tom in the night, drunk on port.

Hope: The new gamekeeper will be able to protect the land from the poor.

Fear: The poor will rise as one, claim the Keane family's land and divide it amongst themselves.

Hope: A Keane will one day rise to the throne to rule over the poor AND the rich.

Fear: The genetic weaknesses that have arisen through excessive interbreeding will one day conquer the Keanes, meaning no-one will be able to protect the land from the poor.

Bloc Party - Silent Alarm

I wish I had a silent alarm.

The house alarm's got a faulty battery. It overcharges or something. If the power goes off, the alarm goes off.

Disconnect the battery, you say? I did. The alarm still went off. Turns out there's a second battery that's in the box on the outside of the house.

So disconnect that one as well, numpty, you say? Well, unfortunately, if this battery is disconnected, the alarm thinks it's being disarmed by a burglar, so when the mains is on, it sounds.

So until the replacement battery is fitted, I have to lie gazing at the ceiling at nights, occasionally twitching at the thought of the impending power cut that I'm helpless to prevent.

Oh for a silent alarm.

From First To Last - My Teenage Angst Has A Bodycount

As a card-carrying ugly person, I'm delighted to see that my people, in the form of 'bagheads' are finally being represented on album covers. Not before time.

Some tracks on this album aren't very nice. Tracks like, 'Kiss Me, I'm Contagious' and 'Ride The Wings Of Pestilence'. However, there are some wise words as well.

Words don't come much wiser than 'I Liked You Better Before You Were Naked On The Internet'. This applies to everyone you know. It even applies to people you think you'd like to see naked, (obviously on the internet, because you, like me, are a complete baghead and will never - NEVER - see another person naked).

There's also a song called 'Featuring Some Of Your Favourite Words'. Actually, it's 'Favorite' words, but I've corrected them. 500 million people spell it 'favorite' and remarkably they're all wrong.

Anyway, it's good to see that some of my favourite words are appearing in song. Not since Noel Coward have words such as 'splendid', 'marvellous' and 'spiffing' been represented in popular music. Hats off.

The Twang - I Love It When I Feel Like This

Worst. Band name. Ever.

Or thereabouts. However, the cover's not bad. It looks like a fox in a parka. Good stuff.

There's a good song title too: 'Push The Ghosts'. This is a tactic rarely used in horror films. Running around shrieking comes quite high; calling The Ghostbusters is another option; sitting still getting really freaked out is another still.

But pushing the ghosts? No-one's tried that.

Ghosts have had it their own way too long. Why do they always get to be the ones freaking US out. Why can't we freak THEM out for a change - with our opaque appearance and ability to consistently manipulate objects?

Do it tonight. Give a ghost the heebie-jeebies by spookily appearing with plenty of warning from somewhere-very-obvious.

Maroon 5 - It Won't Be Soon Before Long

It won't... be soon... before long...?

When will it be soon? Before how long will it be what? How soon is 'before long'? How long is 'before soon'? Why won't it be soon before long? How can you say with such certainty that long, long before soon, but soon before long it soon won't be long?

I'll tell you some things I CAN be sure of:

Soon you'll be sick of Maroon 5, if you don't loathe them already.

Before long you'll do a 'double Van Gogh' so as to save yourself.

Modest Mouse - We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank

Modest? I'll say. Positively reclusive. If I were a mouse who could make records, I'd be on ITV's 'Musical Rodents' before you could say 'Roland Rat'.

It's a shame he wasn't a rat actually. Rats famously flee the sinking ship rather than just lying around on deck, terminally ill, awaiting their fate.

Back in real life, this band now features Johnny Marr, one of the finest guitarists in the world and one who appears to have pretty much renounced making a great deal of effort with his instrument of choice about 20 years ago when he was only 23.

At the time of writing, I'd achieved Jack Shit. When I was 23, I'd achieved even less.

Good Shoes - Think Before You Speak

Think before you speak? Why? Why do you need to do that? What are you thinking? It's something bad, isn't it? You're thinking of desecrating something, aren't you? Shame on you.

The point is, only terrible, bad, evil people need to think before they speak. Why else would you need to monitor your thoughts. I for one have never thought anything bad in my life. It wouldn't so much as cross my mind to badmouth Jesus to a Christian or repeatedly slap a child in the face for crying too much.

You should never think before you speak. Just speak. That way everyone knows where they stand. If you wonder out loud how you're going to steal that beggar's hat full of money, he'll hear you and can take steps to stop you. As a result the world's a better place.

The Maccabees - Colour It In

I like it when a band has a recognisable look to their album covers. The Maccabees' covers are very distinctive. They've got nice subdued pastel shades and thick black outlines.

This cover's particularly good because everyone looks like they're related to Morph. Hopefully the Maccabees will adopt Morph's shrill murmur in place of their own singing voices. Morph-talk's much underused in popular music.

What would you do if you were plasticine? I'd roll myself into a ball and sit in the corner gathering dust until I'd gone solid and unmalleable. Then you'd have to replace me with a new sheet of plasticine.

Yes, plasticine does come in sheets. Wriggly corduroy-style sheets.

Deftones - White Pony

One track's called 'Knife Party'. What the hell is a knife party?

I read the lyrics. There aren't many. It seems very repetitive. Mostly it's 'get a knife' and 'have a little bit of a lie down' or words to that effect. The only thing that hints at anything more is the word 'anaemic'.

I was going to write something hilarious about anaemia and The Deftones, so I went and read about anaemia for a bit. Unfortunately, due to my abnormally small brain, I find that I can never glean any actual information about anything medical or scientific. The upshot is that you'll have to include your own anaemia joke.

Anaemia's probably a really rich comedy seam. If only my puny brain would help me mine it.

Linkin Park - Minutes To Midnight: Special Edition

Over the years, Linkin Park have been dogged by allegations that they're nothing more than a pale imitation of fey Nineties indie rockers, Gene. Nowhere is that more apparent than on Minutes To Midnight.

The vocals on 'Bleed It Out' and 'No More Sorrow' are pure Martin Rossiter and the guitars throughout are jangly and insistent, a la Gene.

One further influence is also apparent. The percussion on 'Little Things Give You Away' is pure Cud. If the drummer from Cud doesn't get some sort of financial recompense, it will be a grave injustice indeed.

There is one internet rumour that the drummer from Cud underwent extensive reconstructive surgery after falling in the bath and is actually behind the kit for Linkin Park. I thought this was far-fetched, but my ears are less convinced.

Ocean Colour Scene - On The Leyline

This week's entrants in the 'didn't know they were still around' category are Ocean Colour Scene.

Ocean Colour Scene confuse and frustrate me. They confuse me because they're prone to haircuts which are longer at the sides than on top. It's a tremendously unflattering look, particularly now they're all middle-aged.

They frustrate me, because despite showing a bit of promise with the old guitar, they have literally NO ambition. None whatsoever. Why pretend that it's not the distant past when you could just reinterpret sixties blues-rock until the end of time?

They're like those hippies who wish we all still lived in the Middle Ages before the world was ruined by television, increased free time and civilisation.

Well if you're going to wallow in the past you have to take the negatives as well, be they leprosy and the Black Death or drug-fuelled paranoia and an income of about £3,000 a year.

That's what it was like for bands in the Sixties, Ocean Colour Scene. Go on - live it like you mean it. (The leprosy and Black Death were for the hippies, but you can give them a whirl too, if you want).

Senses Fail - Let It Enfold You

Let what enfold you? You don't expect me to accede on such scant information do you?

Let's look at the evidence contained on this album and judge Senses Fail's intentions accordingly.

Track one, 'Tie Her Down'. This is not promising. Perhaps 'her' is a pink and purple wisteria which needs securing against a trellis.

Track five, 'Bite To Break Skin'. Another stumbling block. I guess it could be roast chicken skin or even the skin of an apple or tomato or something. Let's not jump to conclusions about Senses Fail. Let's not jump to conculusions about EVIL Senses Fail.

Track 11, 'The Irony Of Dying On Your Birthday'. Dyeing hair? The spelling doesn't really support this and I'm loathe to dismiss spelling as a good barometer of a person.

Track eight, 'Choke On This'. Track three 'You're Cute When You Scream'. Track 12 'Angela Baker And My Obsession With Fire'.

Case dismissed!

Things I wouldn't mind being enfolded by:

A duvet

Things I would mind being enfolded by:

A kraken