AC/DC - Back In Black

How good are AC/DC? I'd say they were about 12 good on the good scale.

Everything about them's just perfect.

The name: AC/DC. It's literally about power, for crying out loud.
The look: Angus Young, the guitarist, dresses like a schoolboy - no-one knows why. The singer, Brian Johnson, wears a flat cap.
The sound: Relentlessly upbeat. Relentlessly noisy. Relentlessly unchanging. That last one's the key. Why change when you have perfected music to such an astonishing degree.

All the whinging, juvenile US rock bands who are practically in tears the whole time for no immediately apparent reason should go and see AC/DC at least once.

I'd be mightily surprised if they didn't all immediately think: 'Hey. What are we so upset about? We own guitars. We should do THAT. We should do what they're doing as soon as we get back to daddy's studio. We should wipe this make-up off our faces, because it makes us look like girls. We should conceal our lank, greasy hair beneath flat caps and maybe one of us could dig out our old school uniform.'

The same goes for anyone thoughtlessly doling out soulful R'n'B. Are you seriously telling me that if Boyz 2 Men went to an AC/DC gig they wouldn't be swayed by 'Hells Bells' or 'Shake A Leg'? Anyone would be swayed by 'Shake A Leg'.

Boyz 2 Men would say to each other: 'How stupid we've been thoughtlessly doling out this soulful R'n'B. I was first swayed by 'Hells Bells' and even more so by 'Shake A Leg' Now: Who's still got their school uniform?'

Black Eyed Peas - Monkey Business

I know what you're wondering: If this album were a song by Carter USM, which would it be? The answer, of course (and for once this actually makes sense), is 'The Music That Nobody Likes'.

You can read the titles of these songs and that's too much for most people.

Pump It - Maybe 'pump' means 'punch' in the US and maybe 'it' means Fergie's face.
Don't Phunk With My Heart - The only thing I'll be phunking with, is, well, nothing. You know why? Because 'phunk' isn't a phucking word.
My Humps - Nobody knows quite what she means when she sings this. Whichever bits you're talking about, they're not 'lovely'. They're syphilitic and cancerous.
Dum Diddly - What? Right, we've really got to come up with something here. We have to DO something.
Feel It - You're just desperate now, aren't you? Fortunately, I'm not.
They Don't Want Music - Marvellous. Now we're getting somewhere. Let's dwell on that thought and subsequently address it as best we can.
Bebot - Looks a bit like an anagram. Isn't.
Ba Bump - Is this a close relation to 'Dum Diddly' or 'My Humps'? Or are you, in fact, a load of wordless, infantile chumps who have failed to acquire language?
Audio Delite At Low Fidelity - Dee-Lite got away with it. You can't.
Do What You Want - That, I think you'll find, is legally binding. I have been given explicit permission to suffocate each and every one of Black Eyed Peas with a bin bag, chop them into pieces, boil them, stamp on them, burn the ensuing dust and then offer it back to them to smoke (somehow).

Alternatively I could just get someone to steal their microphones. That should do the trick.

See the cleverest joke on the whole of the internet here. One of 'Da Peas' is the subject.

Avril Lavigne - The Best Damn Thing

I know what you're thinking: If this Avril Lavigne album were a song by Carter USM, which would it be? The answer, of course, is 'Look Mum, No Hands!'

So, according to Avril Lavigne, just what IS the best damn thing? I haven't looked at the tracklisting yet and I'm almost bursting with excitement at what might await...

Track one is 'Girlfriend' so I'm going to take that as Avril's answer, which is weird because I didn't realise she was, you know, one of those, you know... with the... and the... who likes...

But what kind of girlfriend is Avril after? Track 10: 'One Of Those Girls' - which presumably means, one of THOSE girls; one like Avril; a 'you know'; a girl's girl.

It's nice that Avril's being realistic. No point mooning over some girl, if you've got no chance is there? I mean 'mooning' as in that teenage habit of being all lovelorn and preoccupied. No wait, I've changed my mind. Let's have it as the other meaning. If you're Avril Lavigne, there's no point exposing your buttocks while situated above a heterosexual girl.

'Lavigne' is a stupid name and it's hard to spell.

Various Artists - Disco Kandi - The Mix

I love the Hed Kandi albums. Which of the cartoon women do you fancy?

On this album cover, I think I'm going for the one on the right. No, wait - the one on the left. Definitely the one on the left. She's not smiling as much.

Not the blonde one though. Never the blonde one.

The other great game you get to play is 'which artist has got the stupidest name'. This is a box set of three CDs. There are 14 tracks on each CD. I barely know anyone who appears on it, but the names - oh, the names are heaven-sent. It's even better if you imagine exactly what these people will be like in person.

Teddy Douglas - least cool name in the history of house.
Kid Massive - not 'Massive Kid'.
Dennis Christopher - second least cool name in the history of house.
Wez Clarke - that Z can't save you Wesley.
Dave Spoon - more people should have this name. Many more.
Freak 'n' Funky - they've called themselves that.
Dogsax - don't really know what to say about this one.
Mr Groove and Vergas - they've called THEMSELVES that. 'Mr Groove!'

Panic At The Disco - A Fever You Can't Sweat Out

Track one: Introduction. There's how to get in my good books. I'm even moved to overlook the complete absence of punctuation in the song title 'London Beckoned Songs About Money Written by Machines', which really, really needs some.

There are some other intriguing titles on this album, but I'm going to ignore them all. All bar one:

'Build God, Then We'll Talk'

Build him! Build him now! Use stickle-bricks or Lego. Use sand or snow. Use wood or steel. Build him with know-how. Build him with brawn. Build him to last a thousand years.

After that we can have a conversation. We can talk about HOW YOU BUILT GOD! Or maybe we could talk about lacrosse. You probably don't want to talk about lacrosse though, do you? All you're interested in is building God. It's like an obsession with you. I'm sick of hearing about it.

'First we did this, then we did that'. God, God, God. Is there NOTHING else in your life? I'm leaving. You can sit and talk to God, if you're so proud of him.

Oh, and one more thing - God's arms are crap. Did you know that? Crap. Where did you learn to build God? Down at the blind school?

Curtis Stigers - Real Emotional

What is a Curtis Stigers?

It seems so familiar, but yet I now realise I know almost nothing about it. What is a Curtis Stigers?

Even the face it's using seems unrecognisable. I thought that it looked like a Michael Bolton, but that's not so distinctive as a Michael Bolton. It looks bland. As soon as I look away, I've forgotten its appearance.

The album by this Curtis Stigers is entitled Real Emotional. The emotions I'm feeling are confusion and faint nausea. Is nausea an emotion? I'm too confused to decide.

My advice to you is make your own Curtis Stigers. Make a good one. Fill it full of love and then send it out into the world to do something memorable. If you can make a Curtis Stigers which can punish a malfunctioning vehicle with its bare hands, people would remember that.

The Bees - Octopus

The music world's very animal-centric at the moment. That's a good thing though. I like creatures. I know loads about creatures.

So here are some facts. An octopus can climb inside a jar, if it so chooses. Or maybe that's a squid. I can't remember. I'm not sure what size jar either. I suppose it depends on the size of the octopus.

Here's a bee fact. Bees can fit inside a jar. Several in one jar, if need be. You can use a honey jar if you want to make it homely for them.

These Bees wouldn't fit in a jar, however. They're humans masquerading as bees. Hippies to be precise. At least they look like hippies and what else do you need to go off other than hair quantity when identifying and subsequently treating a hippy?

That's 'treating' in the medical sense, you understand. You should never buy a hippy sweets or any other kind of treat. It'll eat them and then pitch a tent in your back garden. It'll moan about how you work for 'the man' while living off their sizeable inheritance, doing nothing all day.

'Treat' them. Wash them thoroughly. You'll find they're probably substantially smaller than you thought. Then dehair them. At this point, evaluate their size and maybe - just maybe - you'll be able to fit them in a jar after all.

The Aliens - Astronomy For Dogs

I knew it. Aliens are amongst us and they're favouring dogs. First they'll teach them astronomy, then rocket science and finally lasers. They'll give dogs lasers and dogs will come and get us. Bloody aliens.

What else have The Aliens got in store for us? Track two, 'Robot Man', tells you all you need to know. Aliens are going to arm the canines of the world, using them as their foot soldiers. Then, the two groups will combine to overthrow man, before turning him into a hideous cyberman-style abomination. Bloody aliens.

Track one is 'Setting Sun'. The Aliens are probably going to get us cybermen to put the sun out FOREVER. The Aliens won't let the dogs get wind of this, of course, because dogs are reliant on the sun's life-giving rays. The Aliens are just using dogs to destroy humanity. Once they've fulfilled their purpose, The Aliens will first abandon dogs before ultimately destroying them.

Bloody Aliens. First you give them the vote. Next thing you know, they're manipulating dogs to destroy all humanity before betraying their canine underlings without mercy. Bastards.

Magnum - Princess Alice and the Broken Arrow

Brilliant. Magnum's back and he's making records.

For those that don't know, Magnum was a private investigator on Hawaii in the 1980s. He was real, as far as I remember and certainly not a fictional character in a faintly ridiculous TV show.

So now he's back and rather than continue his playboy lifestyle where he drove around in a Ferrari and had all the Hawaiian shirts he could ever wish to eat, he's instead making rock music.

So what's the music like, you ask? Who cares, I respond. Since when has anything ever been better than gorging on Hawaiian shirts. Name one thing - one single thing - better than going up to a wardrobe, selecting a lurid, flowery shirt and then eating it. You can't do it, can you? Eating Hawaiian shirts is the most fun a man can have and Magnum's thrown that away in favour of making a record with a fox in clothes on the cover.

Fall Out Boy - From Under The Cork Tree

Did I previously slag off Fall Out Boy and in particular their song titles? Why did I do that? Oh, right, because they were all shit on that album. Well on this album they're anything but.

Actually, that's misleading. It's a mixed bag. They're still prone to abysmal plays on words, but this is offset by some of the most ridiculously lengthy song titles ever committed to the back of a CD.

'Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued'. That's a bit knowing, but if it's true, what WAS the song title? My guess is it was about Mick Hucknall and some sort of industrial-strength adhesive.

'I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song)'. Whatever you think of the content, that's one frighteningly long song title. If you string that many words together, there's bound to be something to object to. Let's overlook that and congratulate them on being resoundingly un-catchy and non-memorable.

'Champagne For My Real Friends Real Pain For My Sham Friends'. By the standards of this album, this isn't a particularly long title, but it needs highlighting as an example of Fall Out Boy's complete inability to avoid messing about with words and also their complete inability to achieve anything after doing so.

'I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written'. This is surely true. The 'stupid song' bit anyway.

'Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part To Save The Scene And Stop Going)'. Anyone? I haven't got a clue.

Zero 7 - The Garden

The Garden doesn't sound quite wispy and ineffectual enough for something by Zero 7. A garden could potentially contain solid elements like walls and chairs. Zero 7 are less palpable than that.

Here are some better names for a Zero 7 album: Lavender; Some Lavender fluttering in the breeze; Lavender Flowers; A Waft Of Lavender On The Breeze; Massaged With Lavender.

Any of those, really. Anything just so long as the words barely form anything in your mind at all. Listening to Zero 7 is akin to having a fight with a butterfly. You want to lash out, but it's probably just better to ignore it and eventually it'll go away.

I don't need music to 'chill out' to. I can chill out unaided. Give me five minutes without anything I absolutely HAVE to do and I'll be chilled out. Put some chill out music on though and I'll feel something more akin to despair or profound misery. I think it's the idea that you have to be cool even when you're chilling out. Coolness has no place when chilling.

I don't chill out. I don't know what I'm talking about. Sometimes I sit down and drink tea or stare into space. That's not chilling. You've got to be deadly serious about chilling. Chilling's no joke.

Maximo Park - Our Earthly Pleasures

Are those hippies on the cover? I was all set to give this album a good review, but I can't be seen to be supporting the hippification of society. Instead I'll write an ambiguous review which you'd be hard-pressed to know was even tangentially related to music - like normal.

So what are Maximo Park's earthly pleasures? 'Girls Who Play Guitars' are one, apparently. I'm not quite sure why this is. Girls can be decent guitarists, but they don't have that autistic part of the brain required to do the same thing over and over again. And then again. And again.

Great guitarists have this. They use it to not get distracted by the outside world while they're perfecting their hammer-ons. Great guitarists, despite their outward cool, are actually colossal nerds. Nerds are the best at everything. Nerdiness is a skill.

Maximo Park also claim to love 'Russian Literature'. If this isn't a lie, I don't know what is. People only read Russian literature so that they can say: 'What am I doing in this crappy job? I've read Dostoevsky for Christ's sake', as if having read Dostoevsky is a skill in some way equal to being a nerd.

Next on Maximo Park's love-list are 'Parisian Skies'. Parisian skies are actually pretty crappy and grey. It's a myth that all of France is a land of constant sunshine. Just because somewhere receives more sunshine hours than Matlock, doesn't make it sunny.

There's a song called 'Nosebleed' as well. Maybe they like inflicting them on nerds who question the worth of their time spent reading Crime and Punishment in Paris with their guitarist girlfriends.

The Rakes - Ten New Messages

I don't particularly know The Rakes. I've heard them, but I can't remember which they are. Also, is it 'rakes' as in bon viveurs, frittering their money away on booze, gambling and women or is it 'rakes' as in the tined leaf-collecting/moss-removing tool?

Either way, I'm pleasantly surprised by their offerings. 'Down With Moonlight' - right on. If moonlight didn't exist, Toploader wouldn't have covered 'Dancing In The Moonlight' and none of us would have had to suffer the worst, most-affected singing voice in the history of music.

'When Tom Cruise Cries' - I want to know more. What happens when he cries? Do people believe that he's upset? I wouldn't. Does he dehydrate due to his abnormally small size and therefore the minuscule amount of water in his body? What? Tell me, you Rakes. Tell me.

'Time To Stop Talking' - It's almost always time to stop talking. People on the whole talk far too much and frown at you if you don't talk back, but instead glower at them.

'World Was A Mess But His Hair Was Perfect' - This would back up the the idea that these are rakes like Terry Thomas was a rake. Look at them. Look at The Rakes swanning round, chatting up the ladies and swilling Lambrini in a fancy glass, pretending it's a posh drink.

Bryan Ferry - Dylanesque

Has someone transformed the air into velvet? How about the chair? And the table? Oh dear Lord! Every single element in the periodic table has been replaced by velvet. It must be Bryan Ferry's doing.

Even venerable old Bob Dylan isn't safe from Ferry's upscaling touch. Eleven cover-versions recorded in a week by his sumptuousness. It's a work ethic hitherto unsuspected in a man whose punkah-wallahs exhaust him with their interminable fanning.

One of Bryan Ferry's sons is called Merlin. That's a cast-iron, solid-gold FACT. And I know I've descibed that fact as being two separate substances, but being as everything's velvet around Ferry, it doesn't actually matter. Merlin!

65 Days Of Static - The Fall Of Math

It's 'maths'. That's the first of about a million problems I've got with 65 Days Of Static. Here are some more.

'Another Code Against The Gone'. This is grammar of an almost painfully bad standard. It doesn't even hint at the most rudimentary comprehension of ANY of the words.

'Install A Beak'. 'Installation' really only relates to technical, man-made stuff. Beaks are natural. More than that, they only exist where they have survived natural selection. In these circumstances, a beak is beneficial. Otherwise it's not.

'Default This'. Again 65 Days Of Static show no propensity for language.

'This Cat Is A Landmine'. No, it isn't. It's a 'feline'.

'Arent We All Running'. Apostrophe between 'n' and 't'. Question mark at the end. And no, we aren't. Some of us are sitting down, typing things about a bunch of academic no-hopers.

Kings of Leon - Because Of The Times

Hair - facial and head - abounds. Kings of Leon are hirsute rockers.

Because Of The Times features a song called 'Ragoo'. I hope this is a version of Magical Trevor 2 (Warning: click this link and you will get SOUNDS - music you probably don't want your workmates to hear).

The lyrics of Magical Trevor 2 run as follows:

He's back and he's got a new trick,
Magical Trevor is ten times as slick,

As the last time, the last time you saw him
Now you can see why we really adore him

You might think his new trick is sick,
Sawing a pigeon in half with a stick.
Look at the pigeon, now it's in two.
Oh my, its rear end is having a poo.

Look at the mess in aisle two.
Aisle two, that's the place where we saw the Ragu
There's so much Ragu.

If it isn't a cover of version of that, at least it's still about Ragu. Seemingly.

Kelly Jones - Only The Names Have Been Changed

If only the music had been changed too. Or at least the singer. Or the words. Why only the names? Why, God, why?

Kelly Jones is the girl-named lead singer from Stereophonics. I will never - NEVER - forgive Stereophonics for producing the most needless cover version of all time. It was of course 'Handbags and Gladrags', written by Manfred Mann's Mike D'Abo and originally performed by the jaw-droppingly voiced Chris Farlowe.

I'm not sure if Stereophonics knew this was the original version. Either way, what they decided to do was such a painful waste of studio time and subsequently radio time, that the Government should sue them for damage to the economy. They made a note-for-note, aural facsimile of Rod Stewart's cover version. Kelly Jones even sings like Rod.

It's so pointless I could stab myself in the eye with it and not feel a thing. I'm sometimes hard-pressed to tell which version is which. Why? Just why?

Even if this album isn't complete shit, Jones has such a colossal rock debt that he'll almost certainly never get back into credit. In fact, 'Handbags and Gladrags' taints all of his work to such an extent that it's almost impossible for him to ever create anything that anyone could ever listen to. Even if he makes something unbelievably ace, all you'll hear is an old man farting.

Oh and the tracklisting is just a list of names. Bear the album title in mind and make your own mind up as to whether that's annoying or not - just make sure you decide that it IS annoying.

Simply Red - Stay

You're meeting Dolores in the wine bar. You've got ten minutes to kill. Why haven't they got a jukebox? You've heard Sade about eight times already and The Brand New Heavies are too upbeat. Why won't someone put Simply Red on?

Look at him. Look at Mick Hucknall. Standing in his suit in front of that urban view. He's come a long way since he appeared on Top of the Pops in a lumberjack shirt and a beret.

Or has he? Let's look at the evidence: Simply Red - still shit.

No, Mick Hucknall hasn't made any progress at all. He's not even done anything about the hair or the face or anything. The clothes maybe, but that's just a facade. If I were Mick Hucknall, I'd buy a BMX, eat only kebabs, walk on my hands and cry a lot. Now THAT would be progress. As would many other things.

Young Jeezy - The Inspiration: Thug Motivation 102

There's a lot of miscomprehension surrounding Young Jeezy and the songs on this album. I'll endeavour to put you straight.

Still On It: Don't forget that Jeezy is young. Very young. This is a song of triumph. Jeezy hasn't fallen off his bicycle despite his father's removal of his stabilisers. Go, Jeezy! Go!

U Know What It Is: The trick is to wheedle the information out of him stealthily. He'll give clues as to what the horrendous crayon abomination actually depicts. He wants U to Know What It Is. That's the key.

J.E.E.Z.Y: Commend him on his spelling first. Don't discourage him. Once he's happy, tell him that his real name is Jay Jenkins. You'll shatter his fragile confidence if you tell him this straight away.

I Luv It: Now reveal to him that it's a vegetable. He'll see them in a new light. It's step one towards a healthier diet.

3AM: Tell him he has to wait until at least 7am before he can open his presents.

Bury Me a G: Tell him to dig it up again, unless he wants it to say 'Youn Jeezy' on the fridge.

Mr 17.5: Learning about VAT is more fun if you use characters.

I Got Money: Tell him to put it in his piggy bank. If he keeps it long enough without spending it, tell him you'll add 10p. This will teach him the value of saving.

Bayside - Bayside

I'm increasingly in a quandary about Bayside. While they're prone to song titles such as 'Tortures of the Damned' and 'Dear Tragedy', they do have the good grace to open their album with 'Hello Shitty'.

This is good for two reasons: 'Hello' is entirely the right word with which to start an album and 'shitty' is one of the best ways of continuing it.

There's surely an interesting story behind 'They Looked Like Strong Hands' as well. Was a member of Bayside ultimately disappointed in someone for failing to open a jar of Patak's curry paste, after he'd presumed they were capable due to the appearance of their hands?

Was there a freak climbing accident after another Bayside member had entrusted a bystander with the belaying? What does a strong hand look like? They're hardly rippling with muscles, are they?

Nas - Hip Hop Is Dead

Then why am I categorising this 'hip hop'?

I think that originally Nas intended this album to be a sort of sign-off from the world of hip hop, but he had a change of heart. His uncle had offered him a job as a cad with the promise that he'd also supply the smoking jacket. All Nas had to do was grow a wispy moustache and then wax it.

Nas managed to operate as a cad for a few days, but the cadding industry has fallen on hard times since its hey-day in the 1950s. While there is much less demand for cads these days, there are still as many vying for the same business, so competition is fierce.

Nas was ill-prepared for such a cut-throat world and when his uncle demoted him to being a mere bounder, Nas jacked it in in favour of an easy life in hip hop.

Rumours that he is thinking of once again forsaking hip hop in pursuit of a career as a fop are, as yet, unsubstantiated.

The Sisters of Mercy - Merciful Release: First and Last and Always/Floodland/Vision Thing

The Sisters of Mercy's drum machine is called 'Doktor Avalanche'. I'll overlook that offensive K because I think it's kinder to name drum machines rather than having them labour in nameless obscurity.

I also think that it was rather generous of the Sisters of Mercy to give it quite a cool name, considering that the name they'd given themselves made them sound like a bunch of women.

I quite liked one Sisters of Mercy song - The Temple of Love. It appears on this album, which is no surprise because it's a box-set of all three of their albums. With three album's worth of song titles to choose from, you'd think I'd have some decent ammunition for some goth-baiting, but alas, they're all a bit underwhelming.

'Lucretia My Reflection' - this is quite gothy, but I'm never quite sure what gothism entails, so I can't read much more into it.

'Detonation Boulevard' - quite funny in its own right, but not overtly gothy.

'Doctor Jeep' - a worthwhile concept. I'd like to see more GPs replaced by off-road vehicles.