Simply Red get the hint 25 years late

Strawberry blonde, pap-pop purveying, leprechaun-faced Mancunian munchkin, Mick Hucknall has announced that he'll be recording music under his own name from 2009 and therefore calling time on Simply Red a mere 25 years too late.

Mick's got a simple aim for the future: "I want to be more influenced by R’n’B of the Sixties and try my slant on it, and try to invent a new form of music."

Trying to invent a new form of music might seem a lofty aim, but you forget who you're dealing with.

"I am one of the best singer-songwriters this country has produced. Ever." - Mick Hucknall.

"Tom Jones told me only a few singers have got the pipes, and he's right. He has. Sinatra did. I have." - Mick Hucknall.

Simply Red - Stars

I was about to write something about Stars before realising that I just couldn't face it. I closed down the window in question, but then Simply Red came on the plasterer's radio and I took it as a sign.

It still doesn't give me much of a clue as to what to write though. I've got a headache, my vision's going funny from staring at this monitor, I'm trying and failing to write about Simply Red and I can HEAR Simply Red at the same time. Imagine how I feel.

The only way I can think of expressing my anguish in written form is by mashing my face against the keyboard, smothering myself in it and dribbling between the J and the K keys.

Just pretend that I've done this and this is what came out.

Simply Red - Stay

You're meeting Dolores in the wine bar. You've got ten minutes to kill. Why haven't they got a jukebox? You've heard Sade about eight times already and The Brand New Heavies are too upbeat. Why won't someone put Simply Red on?

Look at him. Look at Mick Hucknall. Standing in his suit in front of that urban view. He's come a long way since he appeared on Top of the Pops in a lumberjack shirt and a beret.

Or has he? Let's look at the evidence: Simply Red - still shit.

No, Mick Hucknall hasn't made any progress at all. He's not even done anything about the hair or the face or anything. The clothes maybe, but that's just a facade. If I were Mick Hucknall, I'd buy a BMX, eat only kebabs, walk on my hands and cry a lot. Now THAT would be progress. As would many other things.