Beyoncé - B'day

B'day. Beyoncé actually called her album B'day, blissfully unaware of the fact that a B'day or 'bidet' is a device for washing your arse.

To continue with the theme of excrement, Beyoncé has stuck with the R&B philosophy of crap spelling. So we have song titles like 'Suga Mama', which isn't too bad. It could just be a typo. We also have 'Upgrade U', which is clearly deliberate; 'Kitty Kat', which is neither 'kitty cat' nor 'Kit-e-Kat' the nutritous feline feed; the baffling 'Freakum Dress'; and 'Get Me Bodied', which means NOTHING.

Beyoncé's a bright girl. I'd be very surprised if she couldn't spell. She's only doing this to show off in front of her friends. Her friend on this record is Jay-Z - a man who doesn't even have the decency to be embarrassed about his own outrageous name.

If I were in Beyoncé's position, I'd be making every effort to make use of my power as a force for good. I would ditch trendily-named rappers in favour of ones with good sensible names, like Graham - names that you can set your watch by. I'd pioneer a new trend in comfortable trousers and sensible shoes and I'd write songs about grammar and how to sidestep the frustrations of dealing with telephone helpdesks.

Come on Beyoncé: Use your powers as a force for good.