Justin Timberlake

I know what you're wondering: If this album were a song by Carter USM, which would it be? The answer, of course, is 'Lenny and Terence'.

And I know what else you're wondering: Is Justin Timberlake still stalking you? The answer, of course, is yes.

I got up this morning and who should I find slumped against my front door, but the squeaky-voiced popster himself. His pleas that he'd been out with The Neptunes and that he thought that this was Chad Hugo's house fell on deaf ears and I sent him on his way.

Earlier in the week I'd been idly wondering whether it was time to prune my Buddleja in the back garden, when he'd appeared over the back fence. He then strung a load of his own song titles together in a bid to impress me. He said:

"'What You Got' 'Last Night' is 'Still On My Brain'. 'Rock Your Body'. 'Take Me Now', 'Take It From Here' 'Like I Love You'."

I replied in kind:

"'Cry Me A River'. 'Nothin' Else'."

At which point I retrieved my pilfered secateurs from his limp grip and told him to fuck off.