Britney Spears - Greatest Hits: My Prerogative

Okay. I'll level with you. I think all good reviewers should reveal whatever affiliations and prejudices they hold at the start of any related reviews.

I am prejudiced against Britney Spears because she's got one eye on the side of her head and the other slap bang in the middle of her forehead. She looks like Sloth from the Goonies. Only Sloth's more appealing because he offers fleeting glimpses of the capacity for rational thought.

This view is backed up by track 18 on this album 'I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman'. So what are you then Britney? What foul beasts copulated to create so abhorrent a monster? My guess would be that she received the eye-on-side-of-head genes from some weird bird, like an osprey or an emu and the front eye genes from one of those fish that trawls the sea bed waiting for things to float into its non-closing mouth.

The other day Britney was photographed wearing no pants. Why wasn't she wearing pants? Call me Joe Uncool, the dorkiest man to like staying in writing things on the internet more than parties, but pants serve a purpose. Pants are a must. Pants are mandatory. Particularly if you're a girl and you're wearing a really short skirt.

It's almost as if she did it on purpose. I'll have to form that into a new prejudice. It's a form of irresponsibility, I reckon. There could be children perving over celebrities on the internet. It's not right to expose them to such things.