Britney Spears' face looks like a Norman helmet

I had a really low-key epiphany the other day. Britney Spears' face looks like a Norman helmet. It's the way her forehead and nose protrude beyond the rest of her face.

Obviously everyone's nose sticks out, but Britney's sticks out the exact same amount as her forehead, as if it's one, solid unit.

Britney:



Norman helmet:



Norman helmet:



Britney:



Pretty persuasive, I'm sure you'll agree.

If I can narrow it down further, it's the very top of the nose, between the eyes. It's flat with her eyebrows there and as the nose proceeds downwards, it doesn't actually get any further away from her face. It's totally flat. As flat as her singing voice.

Britney Spears involved in activity

There was a 'high speed chase' involving Britney Spears the other day. Turns out it wasn't her, it was some paparazzi following her though.

The most shocking aspect of this, however, is that some reports have referred to a new Britney album that's apparently been released.

Britney Spears doesn't make records, does she? I thought she just looned around all wild-eyed and hairless (in many places).

Nobody's interested in Britney Spears on any level. Newspapers and websites report anything about her on the grounds that everyone else is doing the same. These reports are all met with a huge groundswell of apathy.

That's the thinking behind this website: pick the stories that nobody's interested in and then write about how no-one's interested.

That's how to build an audience.

Britney Spears - Britney

Why has Britney Spears seemingly got a purple lightning bolt passing through her pallid carcass on the cover of this album?

Perhaps it's the superstar equivalent of a kick up the arse, encouraging her to name her albums more imaginatively or ordering her to once again make the effort of having her heart beat, thus ensuring adequate blood supply to her extremities.

Look at her. She's corpselike. And you think she's rubbish when she moves around and sings. Imagine how poor she must be with rigor mortis setting in.

Very poor. Very poor indeed. Perhaps even worse than Toploader.

Britney Spears - Greatest Hits: My Prerogative

Okay. I'll level with you. I think all good reviewers should reveal whatever affiliations and prejudices they hold at the start of any related reviews.

I am prejudiced against Britney Spears because she's got one eye on the side of her head and the other slap bang in the middle of her forehead. She looks like Sloth from the Goonies. Only Sloth's more appealing because he offers fleeting glimpses of the capacity for rational thought.

This view is backed up by track 18 on this album 'I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman'. So what are you then Britney? What foul beasts copulated to create so abhorrent a monster? My guess would be that she received the eye-on-side-of-head genes from some weird bird, like an osprey or an emu and the front eye genes from one of those fish that trawls the sea bed waiting for things to float into its non-closing mouth.

The other day Britney was photographed wearing no pants. Why wasn't she wearing pants? Call me Joe Uncool, the dorkiest man to like staying in writing things on the internet more than parties, but pants serve a purpose. Pants are a must. Pants are mandatory. Particularly if you're a girl and you're wearing a really short skirt.

It's almost as if she did it on purpose. I'll have to form that into a new prejudice. It's a form of irresponsibility, I reckon. There could be children perving over celebrities on the internet. It's not right to expose them to such things.