Arctic Monkeys - Favourite Worst Nightmare

You are buying this album, aren't you? There are so, so many reasons why you should be doing.

Reason one why you should get Arctic Monkeys' Favourite Worst Nightmare: Tempo

Let's all sit round listening to Morcheeba and having coffee tables - NO! Let's all play Arctic Monkeys and get giddy pretending we're young again and not paunchy and miserable.

Reason two why you should get Arctic Monkeys' Favourite Worst Nightmare: Noise

Even rock bands don't rock any more. The Killers are supposed to be the big act these days, but they're so lifeless they could just be a bunch of instruments sitting round unplayed. The Arctic Monkeys play guitars that protest at what's being done to them. They sound like guitars are supposed to.

Reason three why you should get Arctic Monkeys' Favourite Worst Nightmare: Accents

You're not all with me on this, but fake accents are worse than letting children play with broken glass. Neutral accents are about as bad as punching someone in the face for no reason at all. US accents are as bad as anal rape. The Arctic Monkeys' have good, decent accents. The kind of accents who turn up in time for tea and say it's nice, even when it's shit.

Reason four why you should get Arctic Monkeys' Favourite Worst Nightmare: Dialect

Four's too many really, but we just thought of this. Arctic Monkeys use phrases like 'fucking wank' in their songs. People say 'fucking wank' in Britain. If there's a whole genre of music based on saying, 'chillin in my crib with my homies' then maybe, just maybe, the British dialect is under-represented in popular music.

Mate, The Arctic Monkeys are fucking ace - everything else is wank.