Simply Red - Stars

I was about to write something about Stars before realising that I just couldn't face it. I closed down the window in question, but then Simply Red came on the plasterer's radio and I took it as a sign.

It still doesn't give me much of a clue as to what to write though. I've got a headache, my vision's going funny from staring at this monitor, I'm trying and failing to write about Simply Red and I can HEAR Simply Red at the same time. Imagine how I feel.

The only way I can think of expressing my anguish in written form is by mashing my face against the keyboard, smothering myself in it and dribbling between the J and the K keys.

Just pretend that I've done this and this is what came out.

Any comment?

This site's been feeling stale. I'm making some changes.

You can now comment on any review. In fact I'd encourage you to do so.

I'm probably going to start doing the odd news-type update too.

Lloyd Banks - The Hunger For More

"Lloyd... Lloyd... Your cousin Harriet wishes to play badminton. Would you humour her? She looks up to you so."

"Well I've only just finished this battenburg, so perhaps a less active pursuit would be in order - like croquet."

"Croquet would be marvellous, Lloyd. Mother? Won't you join us. Croquet is so much more enjoyable with three, don't you think?"

"I couldn't agree more, Harriet, but unfortunately I must retire to the drawing room. The vicar will be arriving shortly."

"Oh, but you must ask him to play too. What could be more pleasant?"

"Very well."

"Won't this be delightful, Lloyd?"

"Yes, Harriet."

Robbie Williams - Welcome To Reality

How in the name of Christ have I managed to review only one Robbie Willams record when he's so astonishingly wank and I so manifestly adore slagging things off?

At once bombastic and egocentric and yet overtly 'damaged' and shy at the same time. Talk about having your cake and eating it.

Maybe he just wants to be loved. Then stop acting like such a king-size DICK.

Anyone who loves you for being a dick is a bizarre, twisted simpleton. You don't want to be loved by those sorts of people. Those sorts of people like Jim Davidson and he's a racist with an orangutan's pubes for hair.

Just calm down. Stop 'doing' anything. Don't 'do' big and attention-seeking. Don't 'do' quiet and self-effacing, because it just smacks of covert attention-seeking in conjunction with your other behaviour.

In short: Fuck off.

Puff Daddy - Forever

Too long! Too long!

Track six is entitled 'Is This The End'. Alas not, there are 13 further tracks - a whole album's worth. This album truly does go on forever.

We previously came up with some brilliant alternative names for Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Sean Combs. We've come up with some more now.

The Boreinator 9000
The Dullinator 9000
The Overlonginator 9000
The Wankinator 9000

The Killers - Hot Fuss

You're an alternative sort of person, aren't you? You're independently-minded. You like a bit of guitar - none of this crappy pop music.

Why not switch on XFM in one of its guises and listen to The Killers because they're only on EVERY OTHER FUCKING SONG.

Then maybe you can phone in and tell everyone how you're just 'chilling out' and how you've maybe got a beer because it's nice weather and it's a Friday.

Mr Brightside, which is on Hot Fuss, is particularly annoying. The fact that Mr Brightside is astonishingly popular is a mark of just how out of step with the world I am.

It's also a mark of how stupid and wrong the rest of the world is. 50 million people can't be wrong, eh? Take a listen to Mr Brightside and think again.