Robbie Williams - Welcome To Reality

How in the name of Christ have I managed to review only one Robbie Willams record when he's so astonishingly wank and I so manifestly adore slagging things off?

At once bombastic and egocentric and yet overtly 'damaged' and shy at the same time. Talk about having your cake and eating it.

Maybe he just wants to be loved. Then stop acting like such a king-size DICK.

Anyone who loves you for being a dick is a bizarre, twisted simpleton. You don't want to be loved by those sorts of people. Those sorts of people like Jim Davidson and he's a racist with an orangutan's pubes for hair.

Just calm down. Stop 'doing' anything. Don't 'do' big and attention-seeking. Don't 'do' quiet and self-effacing, because it just smacks of covert attention-seeking in conjunction with your other behaviour.

In short: Fuck off.

Robbie Williams - Rudebox

Let's make a list of all the musicians who are better than Robbie Williams:

The bass player from Echobelly; the drummer from Shed Seven; all of Bananarama; the drummer from Cud; the drummer from Swervedriver; the drummer from Curve; the guy who played the maracas on a Boo Radleys record; me; the bass player from Sleeper; the drummer from Sleeper; the fourth member of Fun Boy Three; Emma Bunton; the drummer from Catherine Wheel...

Let's face it: The list is endless.

To be fair to Robbie, he's really pushing the boundaries for song titles. There's a song on Rude Box about Madonna. It's called She's Madonna. There's another one featuring the Pet Shop Boys. That one's called We're The Pet Shop Boys. Perhaps the only song title more painfully accurate than these is the last one: Dickhead.

Robbie was probably trying to get in first with the whole dickhead thing. It's probably an attempt at self-mockery intended to undermine any reviewer wishing to apply that term. I'll be brave though and use it a second time. Robbie Williams is a dickhead.

Also on the album are two tracks, one called The '80s and one called The '90s, which feature rapping. I'm probably the least cool person ever to drink real ale and have a crap phone and even I wouldn't rap in Robbie's position.