Poor Fabio - he's the real victim in this.
Grooverider was charged in the UAE because he arrived with some cannabis in his luggage. He said: "Back home I would not even get prosecuted."
He's now got four years to work out why that's not a good defence in a court of law in Dubai.
I had a really low-key epiphany the other day. Britney Spears' face looks like a Norman helmet. It's the way her forehead and nose protrude beyond the rest of her face.
Obviously everyone's nose sticks out, but Britney's sticks out the exact same amount as her forehead, as if it's one, solid unit.
Britney:
Norman helmet:
Norman helmet:
Britney:
Pretty persuasive, I'm sure you'll agree.
If I can narrow it down further, it's the very top of the nose, between the eyes. It's flat with her eyebrows there and as the nose proceeds downwards, it doesn't actually get any further away from her face. It's totally flat. As flat as her singing voice.
He wants to be known as Sean John now. Don't know what was wrong with all of my suggestions. They were much better than that.
Since when do you get to pick your own nicknames anyway? Nicknames aren't self-applied. They're granted to you by benevolent peers.
Do you think I chose to be called 'piss flaps'? No. That was most definitely not a name I chose for myself. I'd have gone for something catchy like 'Lord Megachief of Gold'.
The campaign to have Sean John known as 'Horror Turd' starts here.
There was a 'high speed chase' involving Britney Spears the other day. Turns out it wasn't her, it was some paparazzi following her though.
The most shocking aspect of this, however, is that some reports have referred to a new Britney album that's apparently been released.
Britney Spears doesn't make records, does she? I thought she just looned around all wild-eyed and hairless (in many places).
Nobody's interested in Britney Spears on any level. Newspapers and websites report anything about her on the grounds that everyone else is doing the same. These reports are all met with a huge groundswell of apathy.
That's the thinking behind this website: pick the stories that nobody's interested in and then write about how no-one's interested.
That's how to build an audience.
She's got a note from her mum. It worked for cross-country, it'll work for prison, seems to be her rationale.
Foxy Brown's in prison for assaulting people in a beauty salon. Bizarrely, she's done this twice. Maybe the mirrors send her mental.
Anyway, in the middle of a one-year prison sentence, she's asking to be released because she's got earache. This might set a dangerous precedent whereby murderers, rapists and the like get out because of ingrowing toenails. It's mean to make them endure such torment whilst incarcerated.
If you ask me, Foxy Brown should receive a lengthy sentence for self-applying the moniker 'Foxy'.
The Daily Star's reporting how Amelle from the Sugababes is living in a mobile home.
As far as I can tell, her boyfriend's mum lives in 'a prefab chalet' and Amelle's staying with her because it's easier to visit her boyfriend in hospital from there.
Her boyfriend was attacked by a bloke with a machete at New Year.
Well done, the Daily Star. Maybe if he'd died you could have mocked Amelle for going to the funeral rather than 'her usual glamorous parties' that she probably doesn't really go to anyway.
It better be a conventional book and not an audio book.
I might be able to tolerate Kate Nash in book format. At least she wouldn't be making those horrendous voice-noises.
I'm led to believe that it's some sort of 'speech' or 'singing' or something in between. I just presumed that it was a new US sonic weapon myself. A pretty bloody effective one at that. It saps my will to live, at any rate.
So would Kate Nash be tolerable on mute? No, wait, there's that whole terrible metaphor thing as well.
Want me to sort out the cracks in your foundations, Kate? I'll sort them with my mallet, assuming that 'cracks' means 'teeth' and 'foundations' means 'mouth'.
Harsh, perhaps, but that voice; that accent. Come on, you'd do the same.
Iran's hilarious. Albeit only from a distance. Reactionary and needlessly dictatorial policies like this probably don't split your sides if you live in Isfahan and are partial to a spot of urban rhyming.
Even though a large proportion of contemporary rap is woeful, self-aggrandising shod, it doesn't warrant banning it. Education's the only reasonable countermeasure.
Someone should be playing 50 Cent's music back to him and seeing how he likes it. He'd change his tune then - perhaps to one with a second note in it at some point.
Uh-huh. Yeah. Mmm. Yeah.
Bell-end.
I'm not saying that they're walking to the shops themselves and handing over a crumpled ten pound note in exchange for the UK's traditional beverage, no, they're getting a Maximo Park brew made for them.
Actually, it's just Newcy Brown with a different label on it. You could pretty much do that yourself, if you so chose. You could even do it with a beer whose name isn't usually preceded by: "There's nothing decent at all. The best thing they've got is probably..."
Newcastle Brown: Everyone's favourite 'slightly better than generic lager' choice.
Someone who's been to rehab before with no noticeable effect is thinking about going back. She's not actually going, as yet. She's just thinking about it; weighing up whether it'll be worthwhile or not. She's still mulling over whether she can be bothered or not.
Music news is top drawer today. Tomorrow, I'll publish a whole raft of updates about how Keith Richards is in two minds about whether his guitar needs restringing. Also this week: Kylie Minogue ponders that eternal dilemma - tea or coffee?
Hosepipe-bodied, panda-eyed, walking self-caricature, Kate Moss, goes out with someone from the band The Kills now, apparently. Can you say 'she's old enough to be his mother' yet, or is that still a couple of years off? I'm not sure.
Anyway, apparently the eyebrowless dementotron wants to sing a song on stage with Pete Doherty and this guy from The Kills, Jamie Hince, isn't happy about it.
Someone said: "Kate says she dreams about doing a number with Pete and has never felt as high as when she was on stage with him. She misses it.
"Jamie is scared there will be such excitement and hype about her being reunited with Pete on stage that everyone will assume they are back together. It would be humiliating."
Excitement at a Pete Doherty gig seems an unlikely eventuality, unless it's the kind of excitement that erupts when people have paid money to see something that's palpably shit and they start to kick the venue to pieces to vent their frustrations.
Pete Doherty made a surprise appearance in the middle pages of many of the nation's newspapers last week.
The articles centred around a court case where Doherty has been charged with possession of drugs as well as some other minor misdemeanours.
All of the articles began with a short description of the charges levelled against Doherty before going on to outline the punishment dished out to the moon-faced, under-achieving producer of underwhelming, self-consciously sloppy dross.
The majority of the press coverage refers to Doherty's latest attempt to 'go clean'.
All of the coverage refers to his one-time relationship with panda-eyed, semi-mute broom handle appendage to many an 'outsider', Kate Moss.
Strawberry blonde, pap-pop purveying, leprechaun-faced Mancunian munchkin, Mick Hucknall has announced that he'll be recording music under his own name from 2009 and therefore calling time on Simply Red a mere 25 years too late.
Mick's got a simple aim for the future: "I want to be more influenced by R’n’B of the Sixties and try my slant on it, and try to invent a new form of music."
Trying to invent a new form of music might seem a lofty aim, but you forget who you're dealing with.
"I am one of the best singer-songwriters this country has produced. Ever." - Mick Hucknall.
"Tom Jones told me only a few singers have got the pipes, and he's right. He has. Sinatra did. I have." - Mick Hucknall.
Why not go anywhere in the whole wide world other than Aberdeen. Travis are to headline this year's free Hogmanay celebrations there.
What is it with this band? Why must they so consistently victimise cheapskates?
At least when you had to pay for their records and gigs you knew you were safe. Now they could turn up anywhere.
Stay in your homes. Don't risk going to Tesco. You might get 'Why Does It Always Rain On Me?'-ed in the booze aisle.
What a fucking rip-off! (Again.)
Time was people who didn't pay for music were treated with respect. Now all they get is third-rate dross like Ocean Colour Scene and Travis.
Why don't bands listen to the fans? Ocean Colour Scene, if you just stop it, we'll all give you heaps of cash. Just stop.
However, if you do insist on releasing records, perhaps you could slip us a few quid for tolerating your pointless pastiches.
He's probably at the airport. You always lose something there.
Either that or the rest of the band are looking at the spot where they expect the drummer to be, but for some reason that spot's about three inches to one side of where he actually is.
That's how we always lose things. They're always pretty much exactly where we thought they were, only for some reason we can't see them.
Unmarried lead singer, Brian Molko, said: "Being in a band is very much like being in a marriage. People can grow apart over the years."
It is rumoured that Placebo's drummer had a name, but that is, as yet, unconfirmed.
What a fucking rip-off!
'My Eyes' will be given away free with next weekend's Mail on Sunday, along with several of their 'greatest hits'.
The only way I'll be getting the Mail on Sunday next weekend is if Travis are giving away their actual eyes.
Now that's harsh. Their instruments then. I'll buy the Mail on Sunday if Travis give away one of their instruments with each copy. But only because there's a minuscule chance that they'll sell fewer than five copies that day, thus enabling Travis to continue making music in some form.
It's called 'Lord Don't Slow Me Down,' you can't buy it in tangible CD form and Noel Gallagher says it's "quite rocking".
What the hell does that mean? Think of all the great rocking things of our times - chairs, horses. Imagine them rocking. Imagine how much they're rocking. Maybe they're rocking a lot. Maybe they're rocking just a little. You'd never say they were 'quite rocking' though, would you?
You can't even say that something's 'not quite rocking' because that's just stationary. If something's got the potential to rock and it's in motion in the manner intended, then it's rocking. If it's not moving, then obviously it's 'not rocking'.
Those are the choices. Which is it to be, Noel?
This site's been feeling stale. I'm making some changes.
You can now comment on any review. In fact I'd encourage you to do so.
I'm probably going to start doing the odd news-type update too.
