Aerosmith - The Very Best Of

Just what does Aerosmith actually mean? Let's do a bit of a breakdown. A smith is someone associated with the creation and shaping of items. An Aero is a type of chocolate bar that's predominantly air. So there you have it: These guys make delicious, sweet snacks with bubbles in.

Steven Tyler looks like he could eat about eighty Aeros in one mouthful. Go on! Cram 'em in, Steve! You show the world that the reticulated python isn't the only thing that can swallow a cow in one go.

All of Aerosmith's songs are masterpieces, working on multiple levels. They're like post-modern fables with overdriven guitar. Behold the evidence:

Pink - This is about all sorts of things that are pink.
Love In An Elevator - This is about love in a lift. Aerosmith try and conceal this by cleverly using the word 'elevator', but we're all so worldly-wise and well-read these days that we can see through their subtle wordsmithery.
Walk This Way - This is about walking a certain way. Steve Tyler confusingly demonstrates an entirely different walk to co-singers Run DMC. If you're torn between the two, let's just say that Run DMC's walk is the easier of the two.
Don't Want To Miss A Thing - This perfectly encapsulates that ill-defined emotion when you don't want to miss something and are worried that you might.
Devil's Got A New Disguise - For many bands, this would be about the way we're sometimes seduced into doing things we ought not to. Aerosmith, however, see the world with greater perspective. It's about the devil wearing Groucho Marx-style glasses, moustache and false nose.
Dude (Looks Like A Lady) - This is about a dude who has the appearance of being female.

Mika - Life In Cartoon Motion

This is how much of a bad idea it is for me to write this site: I saw the cover of Life In Cartoon Motion and thought that I'd review it. Then I realised that I didn't know what Mika was, man, woman or band. Then I saw him on telly or something and realised he was a chap. Following my usual extensive research, I also learnt that his record had been number one.

The problem is that I don't really pay much attention to anything. I'm pretty much certain that I've heard a few of his songs, but I can't bring them to mind. It's not that I'm ill-informed. Just that I'm a bit unreceptive to new information.

Mika was born in Beirut. I'm a bit sick of this. Why does everyone have to be interesting these days? Everyone's all multicultural and has exotic upbringings. Ah, well if everyone's like that, surely you're the unusual one, you say? Well no, because I was exaggerating. In truth there are still just enough people like me that I can be classed as part of the crowd or the masses or whatever.

Pick ANY facet of life and ask me about it. I'll have an answer that bores you to tears with its predictability.

Track 10: 'Happy Ending/Over My Shoulder'. There are 11 tracks. I suppose it's exotic to not have 'Happy Ending' as the ending. Bastard.

Emma Bunton - Life In Mono

Almost every single track on Life In Mono is labelled 'album version'. Click the picture on the right and see for yourself.

It's a frigging album. What other version would it be? The answer seems to be a 'single version', because that's what version of 'Downtown' appears. So if the 'single version' appears on the album and we presume that the single also features this version, what other version is there? Surely it's just 'Downtown', full stop. Or 'Downtown (the version)' if you really, absolutely have to specify.

Track three on Life In Mono is called 'Mischievous'. I don't know why, but I reckon that Emma Bunton pronounces it 'mischievious' - to rhyme with 'devious'. She just has that look about her. You know: Stupid.

She's wearing one of those pervy outfits on the cover, where you can see lots of the top of her leg, but nothing from the knee down. There's also a song called 'Undressing You' on the album. All this should add up to something, but somehow it doesn't. Maybe it's as a result of being branded Baby Spice in her younger days. I don't know. She's about as appealing as a game of Roshambo anyway.

Some people will disagree, but they're wrong. In my book, she's unappealing and my book's called The Book Of Unarguable Facts.

2Pac - Pac's Life

I've just had a bit of a read about 2Pac and unfortunately there are too many shootings for me to glean any useful information.

I can't remember which shooting's which, they're so frequent. He was only 25 when he died. How did he fit it all in? Do you know how many shootings I've been involved in? None - and I'm 28.

The only factual nugget that stuck in my head was that he was convicted of "sexual abuse (forcibly touching the buttocks)". That's a quote. It was more sinister than that sounds though, so you probably shouldn't laugh.

Another vaguely funny 2Pac related fact with a sinister pay-off is the name of his godfather - Elmer 'Geronimo' Pratt. Elmer 'Geronimo' Pratt murdered a schoolteacher during a bank robbery.

Pac's Life is 2Pac's sixth posthumous album. This means that he has now released more records as a dead man than as a live one. Death's no longer the barrier to success that it once was.

I'm a bit bored with mocking hip hop song titles at the minute. Let's just say that there are altogether too many Zs in the track listing and too few Ss.

His first album was called 2Pacalypse Now. I'd have something to say about that title, if I were reviewing it. It's a work of bad-play-on-words genius.

Bowling For Soup - The Great Burrito Extortion Case

Do I detect the stomach-turning stench of quirkiness? I think I do.

Let's consider the evidence. First, there's the band's name: Bowling For Soup. Then there's the album's name: The Great Burrito Extortion Case. If any of the song titles could be described as 'zany' or 'off the wall' then it's an open and shut case.

Track three: Val Kilmer. Track four: I'm Gay. Track eight: Love Sick Stomach Ache (Sugar Coated Accident).

There's been worse. But this evidence, allied to the fact that Bowling For Soup are American, means that we have to conclude that this album is rubbish. Quirkiness from Americans is not on.

British people can be quirky. Americans are quirky in a self-conscious way that proves they don't get the concept of quirkiness. A quirky British person, or band, are quirky because that's the way they are. With equally quirky American counterparts, you wonder why. Why are they being quirky? What are they trying to achieve?

Almost inevitably, the answer is that they're trying to make loads of money by appealing to a niche - a quirky niche. This negates the quirkiness, because unchecked yearning for wealth isn't particularly quirky, particularly from Americans.

Anyway, I'm off to do backflips in a top hat and monocle in the hope that some people give me some folding money.

Bayside - The Walking Wounded

I'll level with you: The only reason I'm reviewing this album is because of one song title. I'll give you a choice of three. See if you can guess which one caught my eye.

(1) Duality
(2) Thankfully
(3) Pop Ular SciencE

That's right. The answer was (4) 'They're Not Horses, They're Unicorns'.

What kind of moron can't spot a unicorn? It's got a massive great horn coming out of the middle of it's frigging head. Unlike horses. There's no hope for some people.

Fall Out Boy - Infinity On High

I'm pretty sure that this band should be called Fallout Boy rather than Fall Out Boy. It's their band, of course and they can call it what they like, but I still think I'm right.

There's the small matter of the vast weight of evidence proving their backwards English, you see.

Track four: 'I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off (Me And You)'. Now that's a bad pun, a bit childish and overlong to boot.

Track seven: 'Thnks Fr Th Mmrs'. No vowels. Vowels are good. Vowels are what separate us from donkeys and satanists (satanists who don't use vowels, that is).

Track eight: 'The (After) Life of the Party'. We're not stupid. We know another shit play on words when we see one. You don't need to use parentheses. Those brackets just act like a beacon for your own mental ineptitude.

Track nine: 'The Carpal Tunnel of Love'. No brackets, but an even more moronic linguistic twist.

Track ten: 'Bang the Doldrums'. Three in a row. A frigging hat trick of song titles written before the songs themselves.

Track 12: 'You’re Crashing, but You’re No Wave'. A quick breather for track 11 and on with the fun and games.

Track 13: 'I’ve Got All This Ringing in my Ears and One on my Finger'. The worst yet. You don't put a 'ringing' on your finger, you put a 'ring' on it. Words fail me.

Track 15: 'G.I.N.A.S.F.S'. Does anyone, anyone at all, want to know what that stands for? It's a UK bonus track. Why do we have to suffer?