Various Artists - The Best Disco In Town

Here's what the best disco in town must feature:

Very comfy armchairs

A selection of alcoholic drinks that don't taste worryingly chemical

A broad menu

Waiter service

A large television broadcasting live Test match cricket and then series three of The Wire after close of play

Here's what the best disco in town mustn't feature:

Bald men with tiny eyes, shiny shirts and short tempers

Disco music