Britney Spears' face looks like a Norman helmet

I had a really low-key epiphany the other day. Britney Spears' face looks like a Norman helmet. It's the way her forehead and nose protrude beyond the rest of her face.

Obviously everyone's nose sticks out, but Britney's sticks out the exact same amount as her forehead, as if it's one, solid unit.

Britney:



Norman helmet:



Norman helmet:



Britney:



Pretty persuasive, I'm sure you'll agree.

If I can narrow it down further, it's the very top of the nose, between the eyes. It's flat with her eyebrows there and as the nose proceeds downwards, it doesn't actually get any further away from her face. It's totally flat. As flat as her singing voice.

P Puff Diddy Daddy adopts least humourous name yet

He wants to be known as Sean John now. Don't know what was wrong with all of my suggestions. They were much better than that.

Since when do you get to pick your own nicknames anyway? Nicknames aren't self-applied. They're granted to you by benevolent peers.

Do you think I chose to be called 'piss flaps'? No. That was most definitely not a name I chose for myself. I'd have gone for something catchy like 'Lord Megachief of Gold'.

The campaign to have Sean John known as 'Horror Turd' starts here.

Britney Spears involved in activity

There was a 'high speed chase' involving Britney Spears the other day. Turns out it wasn't her, it was some paparazzi following her though.

The most shocking aspect of this, however, is that some reports have referred to a new Britney album that's apparently been released.

Britney Spears doesn't make records, does she? I thought she just looned around all wild-eyed and hairless (in many places).

Nobody's interested in Britney Spears on any level. Newspapers and websites report anything about her on the grounds that everyone else is doing the same. These reports are all met with a huge groundswell of apathy.

That's the thinking behind this website: pick the stories that nobody's interested in and then write about how no-one's interested.

That's how to build an audience.

Foxy Brown hatches ingenious plot to escape from jail

She's got a note from her mum. It worked for cross-country, it'll work for prison, seems to be her rationale.

Foxy Brown's in prison for assaulting people in a beauty salon. Bizarrely, she's done this twice. Maybe the mirrors send her mental.

Anyway, in the middle of a one-year prison sentence, she's asking to be released because she's got earache. This might set a dangerous precedent whereby murderers, rapists and the like get out because of ingrowing toenails. It's mean to make them endure such torment whilst incarcerated.

If you ask me, Foxy Brown should receive a lengthy sentence for self-applying the moniker 'Foxy'.

Sugababe gets sneered at by newspaper

The Daily Star's reporting how Amelle from the Sugababes is living in a mobile home.

As far as I can tell, her boyfriend's mum lives in 'a prefab chalet' and Amelle's staying with her because it's easier to visit her boyfriend in hospital from there.

Her boyfriend was attacked by a bloke with a machete at New Year.

Well done, the Daily Star. Maybe if he'd died you could have mocked Amelle for going to the funeral rather than 'her usual glamorous parties' that she probably doesn't really go to anyway.