Kate Nash does a book

It better be a conventional book and not an audio book.

I might be able to tolerate Kate Nash in book format. At least she wouldn't be making those horrendous voice-noises.

I'm led to believe that it's some sort of 'speech' or 'singing' or something in between. I just presumed that it was a new US sonic weapon myself. A pretty bloody effective one at that. It saps my will to live, at any rate.

So would Kate Nash be tolerable on mute? No, wait, there's that whole terrible metaphor thing as well.

Want me to sort out the cracks in your foundations, Kate? I'll sort them with my mallet, assuming that 'cracks' means 'teeth' and 'foundations' means 'mouth'.

Harsh, perhaps, but that voice; that accent. Come on, you'd do the same.

Iran declares rap music 'illegal'

Iran's hilarious. Albeit only from a distance. Reactionary and needlessly dictatorial policies like this probably don't split your sides if you live in Isfahan and are partial to a spot of urban rhyming.

Even though a large proportion of contemporary rap is woeful, self-aggrandising shod, it doesn't warrant banning it. Education's the only reasonable countermeasure.

Someone should be playing 50 Cent's music back to him and seeing how he likes it. He'd change his tune then - perhaps to one with a second note in it at some point.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Mmm. Yeah.

Bell-end.

Maximo Park get their own beer

I'm not saying that they're walking to the shops themselves and handing over a crumpled ten pound note in exchange for the UK's traditional beverage, no, they're getting a Maximo Park brew made for them.

Actually, it's just Newcy Brown with a different label on it. You could pretty much do that yourself, if you so chose. You could even do it with a beer whose name isn't usually preceded by: "There's nothing decent at all. The best thing they've got is probably..."

Newcastle Brown: Everyone's favourite 'slightly better than generic lager' choice.

Bon Jovi add extra date to UK tour

The sadistic bastards.

Amy Winehouse considers rehab

Someone who's been to rehab before with no noticeable effect is thinking about going back. She's not actually going, as yet. She's just thinking about it; weighing up whether it'll be worthwhile or not. She's still mulling over whether she can be bothered or not.

Music news is top drawer today. Tomorrow, I'll publish a whole raft of updates about how Keith Richards is in two minds about whether his guitar needs restringing. Also this week: Kylie Minogue ponders that eternal dilemma - tea or coffee?

Kate Moss somehow in news

Hosepipe-bodied, panda-eyed, walking self-caricature, Kate Moss, goes out with someone from the band The Kills now, apparently. Can you say 'she's old enough to be his mother' yet, or is that still a couple of years off? I'm not sure.

Anyway, apparently the eyebrowless dementotron wants to sing a song on stage with Pete Doherty and this guy from The Kills, Jamie Hince, isn't happy about it.

Someone said: "Kate says she dreams about doing a number with Pete and has never felt as high as when she was on stage with him. She misses it.

"Jamie is scared there will be such excitement and hype about her being reunited with Pete on stage that everyone will assume they are back together. It would be humiliating."

Excitement at a Pete Doherty gig seems an unlikely eventuality, unless it's the kind of excitement that erupts when people have paid money to see something that's palpably shit and they start to kick the venue to pieces to vent their frustrations.

Chemical Brothers - Singles 93-03

The Chemical Brothers must be the only band in the world who could release a singles compilation that would be inferior to each and every one of their other albums.

It's not that their singles are bad. They're relatively bad, in the sense that they tend to be the inferior songs off any given album, give or take the odd exception. Mostly it's just the result of remarkably high standards of album. Get any Chemical Brothers album and it's brilliant.

Some people call The Chemical Brothers 'The Chemicals' which is totally moronic. They're 'brothers' who are 'chemical'. They're not 'chemicals'. Actually, they're not brothers, but they're more brothers than they are chemicals.

Same goes for 'The Arctics' although 'The Monkeys' could be confusing, I admit. Doesn't matter. Call them 'The Monkeys' or call them 'Arctic Monkeys'. Those are the options.