From First To Last - My Teenage Angst Has A Bodycount

As a card-carrying ugly person, I'm delighted to see that my people, in the form of 'bagheads' are finally being represented on album covers. Not before time.

Some tracks on this album aren't very nice. Tracks like, 'Kiss Me, I'm Contagious' and 'Ride The Wings Of Pestilence'. However, there are some wise words as well.

Words don't come much wiser than 'I Liked You Better Before You Were Naked On The Internet'. This applies to everyone you know. It even applies to people you think you'd like to see naked, (obviously on the internet, because you, like me, are a complete baghead and will never - NEVER - see another person naked).

There's also a song called 'Featuring Some Of Your Favourite Words'. Actually, it's 'Favorite' words, but I've corrected them. 500 million people spell it 'favorite' and remarkably they're all wrong.

Anyway, it's good to see that some of my favourite words are appearing in song. Not since Noel Coward have words such as 'splendid', 'marvellous' and 'spiffing' been represented in popular music. Hats off.

Joss Stone - Mind Body and Soul

Funny thing about soul music: If it's any good, the creator never, ever applies the label 'soul' to it.

So: Mind, Body and Soul then.

It contains some woeful thinking. One song is called 'Right To Be Wrong'. Erroneous. It's wrong to be wrong. You can tell by the use of the word 'wrong'. Big give away.

Another track's called 'Less Is More'. Again, no. More is more. Less is less. You can't just disregard the meanings of words otherwise there's going to be anarchy.

On the other hand, I can call Joss Stone 'a moronic bitch who looks like a turd in a hat' and she'll probably take it as a compliment, if that's the way she thinks.

Gwen Stefani - Love Angel Music Baby

I'm going to have to repeat myself a bit here. I was once moved to write something about the song 'Rich Girl' which appears on this album. It's worth repeating.

One line runs: ‘If I was a rich girl, then I’d have all the money in the world’. Richness is all relative. Compared to the average third-world resident, I'm rich. Compared to the majority of the first-world, Gwen Stefani is rich.

You don't need to have all of the money in the world to be classed as rich. By the same token, if you are rich, you have a relatively large amount of money. You do not, under any circumstances, have all of it.

If you did have all of the money in the world, Gwen, you would be paradoxically poor as without hard currency, people would have to revert to a primitive barter system and your wealth would be meaningless.

More to the point, it's very unlikely that anyone would wish to trade food with you in exchange for your lamentable services as a 40-year-old woman dressing as a cheerleader.

Beyoncé - Dangerously In Love

Dangerously in love? Just how dangerously in love are you Beyoncé?

Are you so dangerously in love that if you saw your lover on the opposite side of the A556, you'd try and dash across at rush hour?

Are you so dangerously in love that if offered a telephone that you knew was electrified, you'd still try and call your bloke, even though there would be 240 volts of consequences?

Beyoncé. Are you so dangerously in love that you'd still try and see your other half, even if his father was Skeletor and Skeletor had expressly forbidden you from seeing each other?

Emma Bunton - Free Me

I'm always astounded at how vaguely memorable pop songs can often be found on albums featuring nothing else of note.

You tend to think that some artists release singles and only singles before compiling them all for a 'best of'. Take Free Me by Emma Bunton, for example. I just about remember the title song, but I can't honestly say that I recognise any other song title.

Maybe that's because they've all got titles that are about as arresting as the air behind your left knee: 'Maybe', 'I'll Be There', 'Tomorrow', 'Amazing', 'You Are' and 'Something So Beautiful'.

What's also striking is that Emma Bunton felt she could pass as just 'Emma' when this came out. Bit ambitious.

Black Eyed Peas - Elephunk

Later in their career, the Black Eyed Peas went on to release a song entitled 'Don't Phunk With My Heart'. 'Phunk' in that instance, clearly meant 'fuck'. That would mean that this album is rather intriguingly called 'Elefuck'.

Don't know what that means. Don't want to encounter it in my everyday life either - whatever it is.

If you're in the UK, you get a bonus track on Elephunk. It's called 'Rock My Shit'.

Rock it! Rock that shit! Scoop up the Black Eyed Peas excrement, cradle it in your arms and slowly try and help it to sleep with gentle movement. Rock the Black Eyed Peas' shit!

2Pac - 2Pacalypse Now

Not QUITE got the hang of this 'play on words' thing, have you Tupac?

He'd have been better off with '2Packets of crisps, please' or '2Pac or not 2Pac, that is the question (with my holiday in Portugal fast approaching)'.

But really he could have gone for a better name in the first place:

The Packinator 9000
The Twoinator 9000
The Shakinator 9000

The list's virtually endless.