Gwen Stefani - Love Angel Music Baby

I'm going to have to repeat myself a bit here. I was once moved to write something about the song 'Rich Girl' which appears on this album. It's worth repeating.

One line runs: ‘If I was a rich girl, then I’d have all the money in the world’. Richness is all relative. Compared to the average third-world resident, I'm rich. Compared to the majority of the first-world, Gwen Stefani is rich.

You don't need to have all of the money in the world to be classed as rich. By the same token, if you are rich, you have a relatively large amount of money. You do not, under any circumstances, have all of it.

If you did have all of the money in the world, Gwen, you would be paradoxically poor as without hard currency, people would have to revert to a primitive barter system and your wealth would be meaningless.

More to the point, it's very unlikely that anyone would wish to trade food with you in exchange for your lamentable services as a 40-year-old woman dressing as a cheerleader.

Gwen Stefani - The Sweet Escape

Gavin Rossdale from Bush only goes out with Gwen Stefani so that the world knows that he doesn't make the worst music ever. There. I've said it. The truth's out now.

Having come to prominence with the abysmal Spain package holiday anthem 'Don't Speak', Gwen Stefani has actually sunk further since then. I genuinely do think that she's some sort of major label experiment into how stupid the record-buying public are.

Hollaback Girl was perhaps the nadir of Western civilisation. It contained no music and only the vilest of vocals. Hollaback Girl was the first US digital download to legally sell more than one million copies. This is either clear evidence that there are - at the very least - one million morons in the US, or, more likely, between one and ten super-rich idiots who repeatedly downloaded the track, but couldn't find it on their PC.

I've only heard her new single once. It's like Hollaback Girl only with yodelling. I can't work out if this makes it better or worse. If a song's shit because it has a complete absence of melody or anything like that, how does the addition of something shit yet recognisable affect the end product? Hollaback Girl's very shitness was born of its absence of anything. Does the addition of something, even if it's shit, negate this quality, or could it add to it?

I didn't know how to classify this album, so I've put it in R&B and Soft Rock, because they're the shittest of all the genres.