Michael Jackson - Off The Wall

He was once the King of Pop. Now he's at best a relatively high-ranking clerical worker of pop.

So can he once again work his way up to pop's zenith? I've come up with an ingenious one step plan. It was going to be a two step plan, but then I realised that 'being a bit weird' was really one of his selling points.

Step one: Release some music of some description.

It could be pretty much anything. He could do folk interpretations of Akala records. He could team up with Siobhan Donaghy and do a version of Ghostbusters. He could bang a tea tray with his elbow while pretending to be a mirkin.

There's three perfectly decent suggestions. There are plenty more.

Michael Jackson - Thriller

Does anyone else, reading about Michael Jackson's personal and financial problems, not think: 'Why doesn't he just have some more hits?'

It's easy. You're Michael Jackson. If anyone's got a reasonable idea of how to have a hit, it's Michael Jackson. Do it. Just make a funky bassline, prance about a bit. Bob's your uncle. Bob's your weird 'uncle' who creeps into your room at night and...

Sorry. It's easy to get distracted when writing about Jacko. Why is he called Jacko, by the way? I can see how it comes about, but surely he could do better. Jacko's what he'd get called if he were from Liverpool.

Here are some suggestions for better nicknames: The Jackinator 9000, The Jacksonator 9000, The Mikinator 9000 - the list's virtually endless.

Track 10's called 'Someone In The Dark' - it's weird uncle Bob again, isn't it?

"No uncle Bob, no... No means no... NO MEANS NO!"