The Twang - I Love It When I Feel Like This

Worst. Band name. Ever.

Or thereabouts. However, the cover's not bad. It looks like a fox in a parka. Good stuff.

There's a good song title too: 'Push The Ghosts'. This is a tactic rarely used in horror films. Running around shrieking comes quite high; calling The Ghostbusters is another option; sitting still getting really freaked out is another still.

But pushing the ghosts? No-one's tried that.

Ghosts have had it their own way too long. Why do they always get to be the ones freaking US out. Why can't we freak THEM out for a change - with our opaque appearance and ability to consistently manipulate objects?

Do it tonight. Give a ghost the heebie-jeebies by spookily appearing with plenty of warning from somewhere-very-obvious.

Maroon 5 - It Won't Be Soon Before Long

It won't... be soon... before long...?

When will it be soon? Before how long will it be what? How soon is 'before long'? How long is 'before soon'? Why won't it be soon before long? How can you say with such certainty that long, long before soon, but soon before long it soon won't be long?

I'll tell you some things I CAN be sure of:

Soon you'll be sick of Maroon 5, if you don't loathe them already.

Before long you'll do a 'double Van Gogh' so as to save yourself.

Siobhan Donaghy - Ghosts

"Holy fucking crap, what was that?"

"I think it was the boiler going on."

"Really... Oh... Sweet Jesus! - what's that then?"

"That? That's a bed."

"No, not that. THAT!"

"That? That's your jumper."

"That's not my fucking jumper. My fucking jumper doesn't go there."

"It is. It is your jumper. It's on a hanger."

"Oh, right. Yes. It is my jumper... Sorry... I thought it was a ghost."

"So what? You're a ghost."

"... S'pose."

Mutya Buena - Real Girl

Mutya Buena has been unkindly branded 'Munter' Buena by some people.

I would never stoop so low as to take issue with her appearance. However, I will go on record as saying I'd rather have sex with the moon.

The middle of this record features a light-hearted, buoyant run of tracks: 'Breakdown Motel', 'Strung Out', 'It's Not Easy' and 'Suffer For Love'.

I'm guessing that times have been tough for Mutya. I guess being in The Sugababes was equivalent to working in a Victorian workhouse and I'm guessing leaving The Sugababes was like walking out on a loved one.

As Leonardo Da Vinci once said: 'You can't have it both ways, Buena. Belt up. Make some records about upbeat things like picnics and Christmas presents. Don't make me tell you again - I'm busy inventing helicopters and the contact lens.'

Yes, he did say that.

Sponsored review: www.progressivetrance.net

Progressive Trance Network have requested a review via ReviewMe, the sponsored review site. I'm probably not the best person to do this as I've no real idea what Trance music is, let alone progressive trance and I've also got something of a track record for going off topic. Still, I'll do my best. Or thereabouts.

According to progressivetrance.net: “Progressive trance music originates from the combination of psychedelic trance and progressive house and has a distinctive sound softer than normal trance and harder than normal house music.” So now you've all pinpointed the genre, let's dive into the site.

The problem is, there isn't actually a great deal to get your teeth into, even if you're a progressive trance nut – and let's face it, who isn't? Progressivetrance.net offers some profiles of top progressive trance DJs and artists, but these contain less information than you could glean from Wikipedia.

Other than that, it merely provides links to other sites for various services. Want to download some MP3s? Here are some links to sites that do that. Want to know about some prominent progressive trance record labels? Here are some links to a few.

There's a shop, but it's merely an affiliate program for Amazon. Progressivetrance.net don't provide anything themselves, they just take a percentage of the Amazon sales that are made through their site.

There's also a news section, which contains links to news from various blogs. Unfortunately the links are poorly coded and many just lead you to a page of HTML or plain text rather than the original posts.

I'm not very impressed.

Sophie Ellis Bextor - Trip The Light Fantastic

Sophie Ellis Bextor's supposed to be attractive. Oh yeah? Why does she look like the fucking moon then?

Look at her face. It's almost perfectly spherical, pale enough to blind you by reflecting the sun's rays straight into your unguarded retinas and sports practically no features. It's the fucking moon.

I wouldn't go within 238,857 miles of her. I wouldn't touch her with Apollo 11.

Natasha Bedingfield - Nb

'I've got a fantastically oversized mouth. I wonder what I should put on the cover of my album. I know. I'll use my mouth and pretty much nothing else'.

This probably wasn't the train of thought that led to this album cover, but I can't really comprehend what did happen.

This is yet another pop album where the song titles are all utterly meaningless. 'Still Here', 'Who Knows', 'Say It Again', 'Not Givin' Up'. There is, quite simply, NOTHING that means ANYTHING amongst that. It's like staring at a wall you've painted white. Some bits appear to stand out, but it's actually just your mind imploding as a result of the unrelenting blanditude.

However, there is one hidden gem: 'Pirate Bones'. Anything overtly piratical can't be bad. It's not possible. Pirates are inherently wonderful. Think about it: Captain Pugwash, Pop Up Pirate - both works of genius.