Senses Fail - Let It Enfold You

Let what enfold you? You don't expect me to accede on such scant information do you?

Let's look at the evidence contained on this album and judge Senses Fail's intentions accordingly.

Track one, 'Tie Her Down'. This is not promising. Perhaps 'her' is a pink and purple wisteria which needs securing against a trellis.

Track five, 'Bite To Break Skin'. Another stumbling block. I guess it could be roast chicken skin or even the skin of an apple or tomato or something. Let's not jump to conclusions about Senses Fail. Let's not jump to conculusions about EVIL Senses Fail.

Track 11, 'The Irony Of Dying On Your Birthday'. Dyeing hair? The spelling doesn't really support this and I'm loathe to dismiss spelling as a good barometer of a person.

Track eight, 'Choke On This'. Track three 'You're Cute When You Scream'. Track 12 'Angela Baker And My Obsession With Fire'.

Case dismissed!

Things I wouldn't mind being enfolded by:

A duvet

Things I would mind being enfolded by:

A kraken

Manic Street Preachers - Send Away The Tigers

More shocking advice from the Manic Street Preachers. Tigers are magical creatures. We should embrace them - figuratively, at least. I'm not sure giving a tiger a hug would be too productive.

I see that the Manics have fallen foul of the despicable trend for blending words together. We have two tracks exhibiting this abhorrent technique on this album: 'Autumnsong' and 'Winterlovers'.

Why is everyone so against spaces? Spaces are lovely and easy on the eye. They're also of crucial importance at times. If I said that the Manics were 'shiteels' that could mean that they were either 'shit eels' or 'shite els' - Ernie Els being a prominent golfer of course. Is there any greater weapon in the satirists armoury than to liken someone to a golfer?

If there were no such thing as spaces, you'd constantly be adjacent to a tiger as well. Space rocks.

Tori Amos - American Doll Posse

This album is performed by five different women, only all of them are Tori Amos. Tori has created and named these five characters to represent different aspects of her personality. Together they combine to make a complete woman.

This is in contrast to what I thought, which was based on the cover: 'Brilliant,' I thought, 'Tori Amos has reformed The Bangles!'

I dare say that each of these five characters has much to admire about them. If I actually had enough personality to split five ways, at best one fifth would be worth presenting to the world. Three would be boring. One would be obnoxious.

However complex Tori Amos might think she is, her component parts don't warrant 23 fucking tracks. Bloody egomaniac.

Alanis Morissette - Jagged Little Pill

Isn't it ironic that a song entitled 'Ironic' contains nothing that is actually ironic. How very, very ironic. She's clever this Alanis Morissette. Or stupid.

As David St Hubbins once said: 'It's such a fine line between stupid and clever'.

Alanis Morissette can do all sorts of stuff with her free hand while the other's in her pocket. Here's some stuff that other people do.

I've got one hand in my pocket and the other is holding a beer.

I've got one hand in my pocket and the other is in my other pocket.

I've got one hand in my pocket and the other is holding one limp half of a cat's cradle.

I've got one hand in my pocket and the other is soundlessly attempting to clap.

I've got one hand in my pocket and the other is holding a pair of binoculars trained on the flat opposite where that girl lives.

Feist - The Reminder

Oh my God, what are those things coming out of her neck? That cover's horrific. At best a giant butterfly's hatched in her oesophagus.

Track 12 is called 'Honey Honey'. It strikes me that maybe one 'Honey' would have been sufficient.

Track 14 is ALSO called 'Honey Honey'. I'm puzzled. Does Alison Feist (I think that's her name) really like honey? Is she [horrified pause] THE HONEY MONSTER?

The silhouetted butterfly-neck woman on the cover doesn't resemble the Honey Monster, but the Honey Monster's cunning, you see. He's a shape-shifter. Look at him once and all you see is a silhouette of a woman with a multicoloured, linear butterfly protruding from under her jaw. Look at him again and - SHOCK! HORROR! - it's that familiar over-sized, furry beast, demented with honey-lust.

You can buy this Feist album if you want, but the lives of a billion bees and honey-producers will have been lost in vain.

Rammstein - Mutter

I am reliably informed that one verse of the tital track of this album runs as follows when translated:

I was not allowed to lick any nipples
and there was no fold to hide in
no one gave me a name
fathered in haste and without sperm

I don't really have anything to add to that.

Stefy - The Orange Album

Steffi Graf, tired of permitting her bald, midget husband, Andre Agassi, all the limelight has roared back into the public consciousness.

No veterans' tennis for Steffi. No no no. She's signed a lucrative contract with mobile phone provider, Orange and released an album of sure-fire hits. What? Eh? Oh.

Turns out they're some band from Orange County in California or 'the OC' as you might have it (if you're the kind of person who likes to feel their Sundays drifting away from them with an almost tangible whiff of pointlessness).

Joe - Ain't Nothin' Like Me

It's Joe! Ain't nothin' like him. Ain't nothin' like Joe. Look at him. Look at Joe. Look at his huge face adorning the cover of this album. That's Joe's big face, that is.

You'd think that Joe was too common a name to let you remove your surname, but maybe not. I can't think of a great many Joes off the top of my head. Joe Pesci, Joe Mangle, Jo Brand. So I say good luck to him. Good luck to Joe.

Track five is called 'Go Hard'. What's your opinion? Is that likely to be rude or not. My feeling is that it probably is, but there's always the possibility that he's on about doing things TO THE MAX. A sort of 'no half measures' kind of statement: Go hard.

Alternatively, it might be the cricketing maxim that if you're going to take a swing at a ball you shouldn't really be swinging at, at least do it with conviction. That way, even if you edge it, the ball might be travelling too quickly to be caught. 'If you're going to go, go hard,' they say.

If not, who's he saying 'Go Hard' to? His mate?

Various Artists - Saturday Night Fever

Come on everybody. Do the pointing dance!

Yeah, they were great days when you could be cool through the simple method of repeatedly and rhythmically pointing. Point up. Point down. Point up. Point down. Point up and hold the point. Even I can do that.

Look at you. I can see you're raring to go just reading about it. You want to travel to Disco Mountain. Let's go! Let's go to Disco Mountain! Put on your Boogie Shoes and let's climb Disco Mountain!

I hope there are monkeys on Disco Mountain. The Saturday Night Fever soundtrack gives no clear indication as to whether there are or not. Imagine you're atop a mountain doing the pointing dance and each of your points has a target. Imagine! Each dynamite point is directed right at a monkey. Brilliant!

In response, the monkeys do a Calypso Breakdown and then point right back at you.

Fightstar - Grand Unification

What the hell kind of an album title is Grand Unification? A shit one, that's what.

I mistakenly read the word 'theory' at the end as well. I managed to do this three times. I just checked and it really isn't there. This is probably a sign of how clever I am. I'm always reading about physics, you see. Phwoo. Not a year goes by - not one single year - without my reading something from the baffling world of physics.

Is this a concept album? I'm looking at the song titles and there's a vague narrative that implies most of these songs are dreams.

Track one is called 'To Sleep'. Track four, 'Sleep Well Tonight'. Track nine, 'Open Your Eyes'. Track 11, 'Hazy Eyes'. Finally, track 13 is called 'Wake Up'.

Claiming to read physics writing annually? Reading things into the tracklisting of an ex-Busted member's album? It's a wonder I've got any brainpower left.

Avenged Sevenfold - City Of Evil

"Carruthers? Have you seen my pocket watch?"

"No, I have not. Nor my own. It is QUITE mysterious."

"Methinks that we have been the victims of an horrendous crime, good sir."

"Do you think?"

"I do."

"Well what ought we do about it? We can't very well stand here not knowing the hour. We might miss the crumpets at three."

"We must avenge this crime, post-haste."

"I concur. We must avenge this wrongdoing immediately. But to what degree? That is the question."

"Perhaps we could avenge it threefold?"

"No, no. That is nowhere near enough..."

Akala - It's Not A Rumour

Put on your slippers and settle down in your favourite armchair with a nice cup of tea or maybe a bottle of Bombardier if it's after 7pm. What better way to enjoy the reassuring presence of Akala?

Don't pay attention to track one, 'Stand Up' - remain seated.

Nod appreciatively to 'Yeah Yeah Yeah'. Perhaps pick up a crossword.

Ponder The Bard throughout 'Shakespeare'. Consider a nap.

'Bullshit' is a good time to start on the cheese and biscuits. Go for the stilton. This is living.

Roll wid Akala and his unnamed accomplice during 'Roll Wid Us'. Roll wid both of them. It's nice to be wid friends.

Spend the rest of the evening drifting in and out of sleep pondering whether 'Why Do' can ever make sense in any context whatsoever.

Arctic Monkeys - Favourite Worst Nightmare

You are buying this album, aren't you? There are so, so many reasons why you should be doing.

Reason one why you should get Arctic Monkeys' Favourite Worst Nightmare: Tempo

Let's all sit round listening to Morcheeba and having coffee tables - NO! Let's all play Arctic Monkeys and get giddy pretending we're young again and not paunchy and miserable.

Reason two why you should get Arctic Monkeys' Favourite Worst Nightmare: Noise

Even rock bands don't rock any more. The Killers are supposed to be the big act these days, but they're so lifeless they could just be a bunch of instruments sitting round unplayed. The Arctic Monkeys play guitars that protest at what's being done to them. They sound like guitars are supposed to.

Reason three why you should get Arctic Monkeys' Favourite Worst Nightmare: Accents

You're not all with me on this, but fake accents are worse than letting children play with broken glass. Neutral accents are about as bad as punching someone in the face for no reason at all. US accents are as bad as anal rape. The Arctic Monkeys' have good, decent accents. The kind of accents who turn up in time for tea and say it's nice, even when it's shit.

Reason four why you should get Arctic Monkeys' Favourite Worst Nightmare: Dialect

Four's too many really, but we just thought of this. Arctic Monkeys use phrases like 'fucking wank' in their songs. People say 'fucking wank' in Britain. If there's a whole genre of music based on saying, 'chillin in my crib with my homies' then maybe, just maybe, the British dialect is under-represented in popular music.

Mate, The Arctic Monkeys are fucking ace - everything else is wank.

Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero

Them's some mighty big nails. Particularly if they're finger nails. Mighty big and mighty disgusting.

Track one: 'HYPERPOWER'. That's in capitals as well. Just how much power can one song possibly contain? I'm not sure whether 'hyperpower' or 'POWER' is greater, but I think we can all agree that 'HYPERPOWER' is pretty much the high-water mark when it comes to power.

If I'm to apply my rules about song titles making sense in the context of the album, track two, 'Beginning Of The End' is either spectacularly inaccurately named, or the album is largely end-heavy, containing no fewer than 15 tracks at the end and only one on the whole of the rest of the album.

Track 11, 'Meet Your Master' is a good title. I only really obey giants and consider them to be my masters, being as they're benevolent overlords from another planet. I'd love to meet one to try and wheedle the secrets of alien technology out of him.

Track 13, 'Great Destroyer' is also a good title. It probably refers to a wronged and enraged giant who has been duped into revealing his alien technological secrets.

Maybe the Nine Inch Nails belong to a giant. That puts a whole new complexion on things. Maybe it's from these Nine Inch Nails that our oversized royalty gain their HYPERPOWER and maybe that HYPERPOWER is at the heart of all their technological developments.

Michael Jackson - Thriller

Does anyone else, reading about Michael Jackson's personal and financial problems, not think: 'Why doesn't he just have some more hits?'

It's easy. You're Michael Jackson. If anyone's got a reasonable idea of how to have a hit, it's Michael Jackson. Do it. Just make a funky bassline, prance about a bit. Bob's your uncle. Bob's your weird 'uncle' who creeps into your room at night and...

Sorry. It's easy to get distracted when writing about Jacko. Why is he called Jacko, by the way? I can see how it comes about, but surely he could do better. Jacko's what he'd get called if he were from Liverpool.

Here are some suggestions for better nicknames: The Jackinator 9000, The Jacksonator 9000, The Mikinator 9000 - the list's virtually endless.

Track 10's called 'Someone In The Dark' - it's weird uncle Bob again, isn't it?

"No uncle Bob, no... No means no... NO MEANS NO!"

James Blunt - Back To Bedlam

I can't really be bothered today, so I thought I'd find an album where I could write about bloody anything off the top of my head and no-one would complain because I wasn't missing anything important.

After much searching, I eventually settled on James Blunt, because everyone who doesn't like his records instead likes to hate him with a passion. This'll be easy, I thought. But then it occurred to me that maybe I wouldn't honour his musical incompetence enough by ignoring him.

So I've got to really, really lay into him to raise myself above everyone else. But I can't. I'm dashing this off in no time because it's late in the day and I haven't updated. No time for thinking.

Maybe I'll diss him by making his update the worst on the whole of the site. That'll teach him.

In my head, I'm a Viking and I've hewn James Blunt down with my axe of indifference.

'Back To Bedlam' - it's a play on words on 'back to bed'.

... clap...

...clap...

The Eagles - The Very Best Of The Eagles

It's track three. Hotel California's track three.

There are 17 tracks, so that's quite a lot of filler. Rumours that the first two tracks are merely short monologues by the band saying: 'It's coming. Don't go away'. And that the last fourteen tracks all feature the word 'sorry' are false.

I don't really know what 'country rock' is supposed to be. I'm guessing that you just have to wear a hat and maybe someone has one of those pedal steel guitars.

The Eagles featured no fewer than four pedal steel guitarists. This was an absolute necessity as they were unable to clutch conventional guitars. Instead, they would hover above a pedal steel guitar, plucking the strings with their talons.

The song 'Take It To The Limit' came about when Don Henley instructed Glenn Frey to clutch a string in his claws and soar skywards to bring about an especially large twang.

Melanie C - This Time

'Mel C' - pop act. 'Melanie C' - serious artist. 'Melanie Chisolm' - public pronunciation abilities render this a risk.

The first single off this album is bizarrely labelled as a 'bonus track'. Why is it a bonus? It's on the album just the same as all the others. Why aren't the other songs bonus tracks? Why can't this album actually be classed as a single with 12 bonus tracks?

The single in question is entitled 'I Want Candy'. Now I'm not the kind of person who's going to get bothered about the fact that an English artist is using a wholly and uniquely American word - 'candy'. I'm not the sort of person who thinks this is laughable posturing on the part of someone who thinks that the US is 'it' and is pandering to that nation in a shameful and embarrassingly deferential manner.

I'm certainly not the kind of person who's going to advise you all to poo in a bag and post it through Mel C's door with an accompanying note that says 'howdy'.

Hawthorne Heights - If Only You Were Lonely

Look at the scary gothic writing. Be afraid. Hawthorne Heights are serious and they show it through their choice of font.

Track two on this album is 'We Are So Last Year', which is apt, because this came out in February 2006. I'm only reviewing it because of another track title.

The track in question is called 'Where Can I Stab Myself In The Ears'. In the ears, man. In the ears. The answer's contained within the question, if you know where to look.

If the band want to stab themselves in the ears, what message does that send to the listening public? This is not great advertising. If I were Hawthorne Heights, I'd have called a song 'Where Can I Get Some Really High-Quality Headphones So That I Can Pick Up Every Nuance Of This Masterpiece Of A Song'.

Of course prior to naming that song, I would of course have ensured that the band was actually good - even if that had necessitated sacking every member, replacing them with members of Funkadelic and renaming them Funkadelic.