Paul Oakenfold - Greatest Hits And Remixes

Or 'Starry Eyed Surprise and Remixes' as it should be called. Probably the Big Brother music's on there as well, but I don't know what it's called. I wonder how many people will pick up this album, scour the sleeve for 'Big Brother Choon' and then put it back down again, disappointed.

This is probably quite good, overall. Paul Oakenfold remixes do tend to improve on the originals and if you think that they don't, try listening to the original of almost any of the tracks on this album.

"This isn't the original," you'll be saying. Yes, it is, actually. You just think that Paul Oakenfold's remix is the original.

One of the prickiest covers to an album in living memory though.

Santana - Ultimate Santana

Nearly November? It must be time to start releasing all the 'best of' compilations.

People don't want new stuff for Christmas, they want selected highlights of stuff they've already got but handily placed in the same package. This is even more crucial now that everyone dumps everything on some form of MP3 player and sets it to 'random'. If you've got something on there twice, there's double the chance you'll get to hear it.

Ultimate Santana then, which we've twice typed as 'Ultimage' for some reason. Santana is of course famous for meandering guitar twiddling that goes on for hours backed by more percussion than two cymbal factories running into each other and falling over.

This being Ultimate Santana, he's gone even further. Imagine the Big Bang. Imagine every atom expanding at the speed of light is replaced by a bongo or a high hat. Imagine the cacophony.

Now imagine that this goes on for longer than eternity.

Pete Doherty makes surprise appearance in newspaper

Pete Doherty made a surprise appearance in the middle pages of many of the nation's newspapers last week.

The articles centred around a court case where Doherty has been charged with possession of drugs as well as some other minor misdemeanours.

All of the articles began with a short description of the charges levelled against Doherty before going on to outline the punishment dished out to the moon-faced, under-achieving producer of underwhelming, self-consciously sloppy dross.

The majority of the press coverage refers to Doherty's latest attempt to 'go clean'.

All of the coverage refers to his one-time relationship with panda-eyed, semi-mute broom handle appendage to many an 'outsider', Kate Moss.

Simply Red get the hint 25 years late

Strawberry blonde, pap-pop purveying, leprechaun-faced Mancunian munchkin, Mick Hucknall has announced that he'll be recording music under his own name from 2009 and therefore calling time on Simply Red a mere 25 years too late.

Mick's got a simple aim for the future: "I want to be more influenced by R’n’B of the Sixties and try my slant on it, and try to invent a new form of music."

Trying to invent a new form of music might seem a lofty aim, but you forget who you're dealing with.

"I am one of the best singer-songwriters this country has produced. Ever." - Mick Hucknall.

"Tom Jones told me only a few singers have got the pipes, and he's right. He has. Sinatra did. I have." - Mick Hucknall.

Wondering what to do for New Year?

Why not go anywhere in the whole wide world other than Aberdeen. Travis are to headline this year's free Hogmanay celebrations there.

What is it with this band? Why must they so consistently victimise cheapskates?

At least when you had to pay for their records and gigs you knew you were safe. Now they could turn up anywhere.

Stay in your homes. Don't risk going to Tesco. You might get 'Why Does It Always Rain On Me?'-ed in the booze aisle.

Chamillionaire takes hats TO THE NEXT LEVEL

First up, Chamillionaire tries the patented 50 Cent multi-hat arrangement and adds a hood the mix. Saucy.



But then he does this:



Anyone know what the HELL that is on top of his head?

Ocean Colour Scene give away single for free

What a fucking rip-off! (Again.)

Time was people who didn't pay for music were treated with respect. Now all they get is third-rate dross like Ocean Colour Scene and Travis.

Why don't bands listen to the fans? Ocean Colour Scene, if you just stop it, we'll all give you heaps of cash. Just stop.

However, if you do insist on releasing records, perhaps you could slip us a few quid for tolerating your pointless pastiches.