HIM - Uneasy Listening Volume II: Rarities

His Infernal Majesty - there's a band name.

'Rendez Vous With Anus' - there's a song title. There is literally nothing I can add to that.

One track's called 'Hand Of Doom'. I remember contracting a hand of doom once. It was bloody murder. I couldn't do anything without inevitable destruction. Obviously I learnt early on to use my other hand, the left, but I'm so painfully one-sided that it wasn't a great deal better. My left hand's a hand of inadvertent doom.

Of course even at its best, when my left hand was successfully working its way through a mundane task, the Hand Of Doom was unoccupied and would amuse itself by sabotaging the left's efforts. Eventually, after a course of antibiotics, the symptoms subsided. A mate had an anus of doom. You don't want to hear about that.

A quick note about track five, 'Beginning Of The End': Track five is neither the beginning nor the end. Idiots.

Various Artists - The Best Disco In Town

Here's what the best disco in town must feature:

Very comfy armchairs

A selection of alcoholic drinks that don't taste worryingly chemical

A broad menu

Waiter service

A large television broadcasting live Test match cricket and then series three of The Wire after close of play

Here's what the best disco in town mustn't feature:

Bald men with tiny eyes, shiny shirts and short tempers

Disco music

Modest Mouse - We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank

Modest? I'll say. Positively reclusive. If I were a mouse who could make records, I'd be on ITV's 'Musical Rodents' before you could say 'Roland Rat'.

It's a shame he wasn't a rat actually. Rats famously flee the sinking ship rather than just lying around on deck, terminally ill, awaiting their fate.

Back in real life, this band now features Johnny Marr, one of the finest guitarists in the world and one who appears to have pretty much renounced making a great deal of effort with his instrument of choice about 20 years ago when he was only 23.

At the time of writing, I'd achieved Jack Shit. When I was 23, I'd achieved even less.

Good Shoes - Think Before You Speak

Think before you speak? Why? Why do you need to do that? What are you thinking? It's something bad, isn't it? You're thinking of desecrating something, aren't you? Shame on you.

The point is, only terrible, bad, evil people need to think before they speak. Why else would you need to monitor your thoughts. I for one have never thought anything bad in my life. It wouldn't so much as cross my mind to badmouth Jesus to a Christian or repeatedly slap a child in the face for crying too much.

You should never think before you speak. Just speak. That way everyone knows where they stand. If you wonder out loud how you're going to steal that beggar's hat full of money, he'll hear you and can take steps to stop you. As a result the world's a better place.

The Maccabees - Colour It In

I like it when a band has a recognisable look to their album covers. The Maccabees' covers are very distinctive. They've got nice subdued pastel shades and thick black outlines.

This cover's particularly good because everyone looks like they're related to Morph. Hopefully the Maccabees will adopt Morph's shrill murmur in place of their own singing voices. Morph-talk's much underused in popular music.

What would you do if you were plasticine? I'd roll myself into a ball and sit in the corner gathering dust until I'd gone solid and unmalleable. Then you'd have to replace me with a new sheet of plasticine.

Yes, plasticine does come in sheets. Wriggly corduroy-style sheets.

Deftones - White Pony

One track's called 'Knife Party'. What the hell is a knife party?

I read the lyrics. There aren't many. It seems very repetitive. Mostly it's 'get a knife' and 'have a little bit of a lie down' or words to that effect. The only thing that hints at anything more is the word 'anaemic'.

I was going to write something hilarious about anaemia and The Deftones, so I went and read about anaemia for a bit. Unfortunately, due to my abnormally small brain, I find that I can never glean any actual information about anything medical or scientific. The upshot is that you'll have to include your own anaemia joke.

Anaemia's probably a really rich comedy seam. If only my puny brain would help me mine it.

Deep Purple - The Platinum Collection

I see that platinum's the best substance there is now. Better than gold. Better than diamonds. Better even than cheese.

Some idiot cricketers self-applied the nickname 'The Platinum Club' once, instantly making themselves look like dicks.

It's a bit more excusable in the world of rock, where a platinum record at least means something and pretty much everyone's a dick already. It's still lazy naming though.

Here are some other suggestions as to what this album could have been called:

The Deepinator 9000
The Purpinator 9000

The list's virtually endless.