Chemical Brothers - We Are The Night

Every single Chemical Brothers album is near-flawless. Sometimes you read a review saying that such-and-such an album showed them 'off-form' or was 'below par'. These reviewers are demented simpletons with no critical faculties. Every single Chemical Brothers album is near-flawless.

Some albums are better than others, but mostly it's a matter of taste. The fact is that any Chemical Brothers song is nine times more ambitious and imaginitive than anything else around. Listening to a Chemical Brothers song for the first time, you can not know where it's going to go. This is a good thing.

It's strange then that they've decided to release a rubbish song, 'Do It Again,' as the first single off We Are The Night. It's okay though, because the first single off Come With Us - 'It Began In Afrika' - was also rubbish.

That's rubbish by Chemical Brothers standards of course. If a rubbish Chemical Brothers song is a glass of chilled champagne, then the next best song of the year is half a mug of cold, weak Bovril with a poo floating in it.

Various Artists - Hed Kandi - Serve Chilled

A highly disappointing release from Hed Kandi. It only features one cartoon woman on the front cover and she's a blonde one. As I've previously informed you: Never the blonde cartoon woman from the Hed Kandi albums; always one of the other ones.

She's in close-up as well, so you can't see the saucy cartoon outfit she's no doubt barely wearing. She appears to be on a beach, so it would probably be some form of bikini.

All I can think about is the much better cartoon women who are cavorting around in bikinis off-canvas - probably playing volleyball or emerging from the surf looking like they've some place better to be.

Those cartoon women are the ones who should be representing this album: The surly, disinterested, non-blonde ones. This girl looks like she might actually speak to you. Rubbish. If you'd bought her that rocket lolly, she'd probably have said 'thank you' rather than just looking away from you with barely concealed contempt.

Prince - 1999

Prince: Looks like a gimp; acts like a gimp; produces a large amount of actually quite good music.

I remember seeing the layout of the opening guitar chord of one of Prince's songs once. I tried to play it, but even from a standing start, I couldn't actually get my fingers into the correct position.

I'm not a guitar novice. Prince clearly discovered the ultimate guitar chord. He's tiny as well and I'm guessing his hands are to scale. He must have a child's guitar or he'd never stretch beyond one fret.

I remember another time, back when I was a child - one of my Star Wars figures appeared to move of its own volition. On closer inspection, it had the word 'slave' on its cheek. It was Prince himself. He'd somehow found his way inside my Millennium Falcon and had become trapped.

I carefully scooped him up in my hand and dropped him outside my window. He scampered off and promptly recorded 'Something In The Water (Does Not Compute)' - one of the more disappointing songs off the 1999 album.

Linkin Park - Minutes To Midnight: Special Edition

Over the years, Linkin Park have been dogged by allegations that they're nothing more than a pale imitation of fey Nineties indie rockers, Gene. Nowhere is that more apparent than on Minutes To Midnight.

The vocals on 'Bleed It Out' and 'No More Sorrow' are pure Martin Rossiter and the guitars throughout are jangly and insistent, a la Gene.

One further influence is also apparent. The percussion on 'Little Things Give You Away' is pure Cud. If the drummer from Cud doesn't get some sort of financial recompense, it will be a grave injustice indeed.

There is one internet rumour that the drummer from Cud underwent extensive reconstructive surgery after falling in the bath and is actually behind the kit for Linkin Park. I thought this was far-fetched, but my ears are less convinced.

Amerie - Because I Love It

Amerie's first langauage was Korean. Her mother attempted to limit her use of the language after the family moved to the US, believing it might hinder her English development.

Apparently, Amerie still speaks Korean with her mother, which isn't a particularly rigid enforcement of 'not speaking Korean' on her mother's part. This perhaps explains Amerie's lamentable English.

'Hate2loveu', 'That's What U R', 'When Loving U Was Easy' and 'Losing U'. It's 'you', Amerie - 'you'. Maybe that kind of single-letter representation of full words might wash in Korea, but here in the United Kingdom, we spell everything in full.

Even in an emergency, it's considered rank bad form to depart from the recognised standards. If there were a fire in an Englishman's home and through some complex set of circumstances he needed to write a quick note prior to fleeing the blaze, he would sooner die than use 'U' or 'R' in place of the full version.

He would sooner die.

The Backstreet Boys - Millennium

I used to call The Backstreet Boys 'The Back Passage Boys'. I was so funny back then. I don't know WHY I didn't try to become a stand-up comedian.

'Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely'. Now THERE'S an idea. Why didn't anyone separate The Backstreet Boys sooner? Surely it must have occurred to someone that they couldn't muck about making records if they were all sitting separately.

'I Want It That Way', the angel in question would have said. 'Don't Want You Back', they would have added.

Did you know that there was a comic called 'The Backstreet Project'? In it, The Back Street Boys are "cyber crusaders"... They have special amulets... They have adventures...

There are a large number of lies on this site. Astonishingly, the above isn't one of them.

Ocean Colour Scene - On The Leyline

This week's entrants in the 'didn't know they were still around' category are Ocean Colour Scene.

Ocean Colour Scene confuse and frustrate me. They confuse me because they're prone to haircuts which are longer at the sides than on top. It's a tremendously unflattering look, particularly now they're all middle-aged.

They frustrate me, because despite showing a bit of promise with the old guitar, they have literally NO ambition. None whatsoever. Why pretend that it's not the distant past when you could just reinterpret sixties blues-rock until the end of time?

They're like those hippies who wish we all still lived in the Middle Ages before the world was ruined by television, increased free time and civilisation.

Well if you're going to wallow in the past you have to take the negatives as well, be they leprosy and the Black Death or drug-fuelled paranoia and an income of about £3,000 a year.

That's what it was like for bands in the Sixties, Ocean Colour Scene. Go on - live it like you mean it. (The leprosy and Black Death were for the hippies, but you can give them a whirl too, if you want).