MP3 and CD reviews and news

Grooverider sentenced to four years in prison

2008-02-25T16:21:00.006Z

Poor Fabio - he's the real victim in this.

Grooverider was charged in the UAE because he arrived with some cannabis in his luggage. He said: "Back home I would not even get prosecuted."

He's now got four years to work out why that's not a good defence in a court of law in Dubai.

Hot Chip - Made In The Dark

2008-02-07T17:11:00.003Z

Okay, this is going to sound cruel and I don't feel great about it because the guys from Hot Chip seem quite nice - especially the beardy one who looks like he runs a kebab shop. But some questions demand answers.

Alexis Taylor's appearance: is it a joke? I'm presuming that it is, but if it isn't a joke, then it's really, really offensive that I just asked that.

Consider the facts. There are the vastly oversized glasses and the has-to-be-a-joke extreme side parting. Yet added to this is an ear stud. It's one half winner of 'dorkiest accountant of the Eighties' and the other half's Essex wide boy (of the Eighties).

Don't do an image search for Alexis Taylor, by the way. Turns out there's an altogether ruder female Alexis Taylor. Don't do it, do it, do it, do it; do it, do it, do it now.

Britney Spears' face looks like a Norman helmet

2008-01-25T14:30:00.000Z

I had a really low-key epiphany the other day. Britney Spears' face looks like a Norman helmet. It's the way her forehead and nose protrude beyond the rest of her face.

Obviously everyone's nose sticks out, but Britney's sticks out the exact same amount as her forehead, as if it's one, solid unit.

Britney:

Norman helmet:

Norman helmet:

Britney:

Pretty persuasive, I'm sure you'll agree.

If I can narrow it down further, it's the very top of the nose, between the eyes. It's flat with her eyebrows there and as the nose proceeds downwards, it doesn't actually get any further away from her face. It's totally flat. As flat as her singing voice.

P Puff Diddy Daddy adopts least humourous name yet

2008-01-22T13:03:00.001Z

He wants to be known as Sean John now. Don't know what was wrong with all of my suggestions. They were much better than that.

Since when do you get to pick your own nicknames anyway? Nicknames aren't self-applied. They're granted to you by benevolent peers.

Do you think I chose to be called 'piss flaps'? No. That was most definitely not a name I chose for myself. I'd have gone for something catchy like 'Lord Megachief of Gold'.

The campaign to have Sean John known as 'Horror Turd' starts here.

Britney Spears involved in activity

2008-01-21T12:00:00.000Z

There was a 'high speed chase' involving Britney Spears the other day. Turns out it wasn't her, it was some paparazzi following her though.

The most shocking aspect of this, however, is that some reports have referred to a new Britney album that's apparently been released.

Britney Spears doesn't make records, does she? I thought she just looned around all wild-eyed and hairless (in many places).

Nobody's interested in Britney Spears on any level. Newspapers and websites report anything about her on the grounds that everyone else is doing the same. These reports are all met with a huge groundswell of apathy.

That's the thinking behind this website: pick the stories that nobody's interested in and then write about how no-one's interested.

That's how to build an audience.

Foxy Brown hatches ingenious plot to escape from jail

2008-01-17T12:44:00.001Z

She's got a note from her mum. It worked for cross-country, it'll work for prison, seems to be her rationale.

Foxy Brown's in prison for assaulting people in a beauty salon. Bizarrely, she's done this twice. Maybe the mirrors send her mental.

Anyway, in the middle of a one-year prison sentence, she's asking to be released because she's got earache. This might set a dangerous precedent whereby murderers, rapists and the like get out because of ingrowing toenails. It's mean to make them endure such torment whilst incarcerated.

If you ask me, Foxy Brown should receive a lengthy sentence for self-applying the moniker 'Foxy'.

Sugababe gets sneered at by newspaper

2008-01-04T13:09:00.000Z

The Daily Star's reporting how Amelle from the Sugababes is living in a mobile home.

As far as I can tell, her boyfriend's mum lives in 'a prefab chalet' and Amelle's staying with her because it's easier to visit her boyfriend in hospital from there.

Her boyfriend was attacked by a bloke with a machete at New Year.

Well done, the Daily Star. Maybe if he'd died you could have mocked Amelle for going to the funeral rather than 'her usual glamorous parties' that she probably doesn't really go to anyway.

Kate Nash does a book

2007-12-12T17:52:00.001Z

It better be a conventional book and not an audio book.

I might be able to tolerate Kate Nash in book format. At least she wouldn't be making those horrendous voice-noises.

I'm led to believe that it's some sort of 'speech' or 'singing' or something in between. I just presumed that it was a new US sonic weapon myself. A pretty bloody effective one at that. It saps my will to live, at any rate.

So would Kate Nash be tolerable on mute? No, wait, there's that whole terrible metaphor thing as well.

Want me to sort out the cracks in your foundations, Kate? I'll sort them with my mallet, assuming that 'cracks' means 'teeth' and 'foundations' means 'mouth'.

Harsh, perhaps, but that voice; that accent. Come on, you'd do the same.

Iran declares rap music 'illegal'

2007-12-07T13:46:00.000Z

Iran's hilarious. Albeit only from a distance. Reactionary and needlessly dictatorial policies like this probably don't split your sides if you live in Isfahan and are partial to a spot of urban rhyming.

Even though a large proportion of contemporary rap is woeful, self-aggrandising shod, it doesn't warrant banning it. Education's the only reasonable countermeasure.

Someone should be playing 50 Cent's music back to him and seeing how he likes it. He'd change his tune then - perhaps to one with a second note in it at some point.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Mmm. Yeah.

Bell-end.

Maximo Park get their own beer

2007-12-03T14:04:00.001Z

I'm not saying that they're walking to the shops themselves and handing over a crumpled ten pound note in exchange for the UK's traditional beverage, no, they're getting a Maximo Park brew made for them.

Actually, it's just Newcy Brown with a different label on it. You could pretty much do that yourself, if you so chose. You could even do it with a beer whose name isn't usually preceded by: "There's nothing decent at all. The best thing they've got is probably..."

Newcastle Brown: Everyone's favourite 'slightly better than generic lager' choice.

Bon Jovi add extra date to UK tour

2007-11-29T17:56:00.001Z

The sadistic bastards.

Amy Winehouse considers rehab

2007-11-29T12:43:00.000Z

Someone who's been to rehab before with no noticeable effect is thinking about going back. She's not actually going, as yet. She's just thinking about it; weighing up whether it'll be worthwhile or not. She's still mulling over whether she can be bothered or not.

Music news is top drawer today. Tomorrow, I'll publish a whole raft of updates about how Keith Richards is in two minds about whether his guitar needs restringing. Also this week: Kylie Minogue ponders that eternal dilemma - tea or coffee?

Kate Moss somehow in news

2007-11-27T11:52:00.001Z

Hosepipe-bodied, panda-eyed, walking self-caricature, Kate Moss, goes out with someone from the band The Kills now, apparently. Can you say 'she's old enough to be his mother' yet, or is that still a couple of years off? I'm not sure.

Anyway, apparently the eyebrowless dementotron wants to sing a song on stage with Pete Doherty and this guy from The Kills, Jamie Hince, isn't happy about it.

Someone said: "Kate says she dreams about doing a number with Pete and has never felt as high as when she was on stage with him. She misses it.

"Jamie is scared there will be such excitement and hype about her being reunited with Pete on stage that everyone will assume they are back together. It would be humiliating."

Excitement at a Pete Doherty gig seems an unlikely eventuality, unless it's the kind of excitement that erupts when people have paid money to see something that's palpably shit and they start to kick the venue to pieces to vent their frustrations.

Chemical Brothers - Singles 93-03

2007-11-15T11:40:00.000Z

The Chemical Brothers must be the only band in the world who could release a singles compilation that would be inferior to each and every one of their other albums.

It's not that their singles are bad. They're relatively bad, in the sense that they tend to be the inferior songs off any given album, give or take the odd exception. Mostly it's just the result of remarkably high standards of album. Get any Chemical Brothers album and it's brilliant.

Some people call The Chemical Brothers 'The Chemicals' which is totally moronic. They're 'brothers' who are 'chemical'. They're not 'chemicals'. Actually, they're not brothers, but they're more brothers than they are chemicals.

Same goes for 'The Arctics' although 'The Monkeys' could be confusing, I admit. Doesn't matter. Call them 'The Monkeys' or call them 'Arctic Monkeys'. Those are the options.

Backstreet Boys - Unbreakable

2007-11-12T11:35:00.000Z

Unbreakable? By God, we owe it to ourselves to at least try.

We could position The Backstreet Boys so that either end is suspended but their middle is unsupported and drop a piano. Surely that would break them?

We could freeze them solid and then strike them with a wrecking ball. I've high hopes for that one.

We could give them to boisterous four-year-old to play with. They can break anything.

All I ask is that you don't give up. Don't take their word for it. Don't be cowed. Don't be beaten. Break them.

Paul Oakenfold - Greatest Hits And Remixes

2007-11-07T11:26:00.000Z

Or 'Starry Eyed Surprise and Remixes' as it should be called. Probably the Big Brother music's on there as well, but I don't know what it's called. I wonder how many people will pick up this album, scour the sleeve for 'Big Brother Choon' and then put it back down again, disappointed.

This is probably quite good, overall. Paul Oakenfold remixes do tend to improve on the originals and if you think that they don't, try listening to the original of almost any of the tracks on this album.

"This isn't the original," you'll be saying. Yes, it is, actually. You just think that Paul Oakenfold's remix is the original.

One of the prickiest covers to an album in living memory though.

Santana - Ultimate Santana

2007-11-02T11:18:00.000Z

Nearly November? It must be time to start releasing all the 'best of' compilations.

People don't want new stuff for Christmas, they want selected highlights of stuff they've already got but handily placed in the same package. This is even more crucial now that everyone dumps everything on some form of MP3 player and sets it to 'random'. If you've got something on there twice, there's double the chance you'll get to hear it.

Ultimate Santana then, which we've twice typed as 'Ultimage' for some reason. Santana is of course famous for meandering guitar twiddling that goes on for hours backed by more percussion than two cymbal factories running into each other and falling over.

This being Ultimate Santana, he's gone even further. Imagine the Big Bang. Imagine every atom expanding at the speed of light is replaced by a bongo or a high hat. Imagine the cacophony.

Now imagine that this goes on for longer than eternity.

Pete Doherty makes surprise appearance in newspaper

2007-10-31T08:15:00.000Z

Pete Doherty made a surprise appearance in the middle pages of many of the nation's newspapers last week.

The articles centred around a court case where Doherty has been charged with possession of drugs as well as some other minor misdemeanours.

All of the articles began with a short description of the charges levelled against Doherty before going on to outline the punishment dished out to the moon-faced, under-achieving producer of underwhelming, self-consciously sloppy dross.

The majority of the press coverage refers to Doherty's latest attempt to 'go clean'.

All of the coverage refers to his one-time relationship with panda-eyed, semi-mute broom handle appendage to many an 'outsider', Kate Moss.

Simply Red get the hint 25 years late

2007-10-29T08:09:00.000Z

Strawberry blonde, pap-pop purveying, leprechaun-faced Mancunian munchkin, Mick Hucknall has announced that he'll be recording music under his own name from 2009 and therefore calling time on Simply Red a mere 25 years too late.

Mick's got a simple aim for the future: "I want to be more influenced by R’n’B of the Sixties and try my slant on it, and try to invent a new form of music."

Trying to invent a new form of music might seem a lofty aim, but you forget who you're dealing with.

"I am one of the best singer-songwriters this country has produced. Ever." - Mick Hucknall.

"Tom Jones told me only a few singers have got the pipes, and he's right. He has. Sinatra did. I have." - Mick Hucknall.

Wondering what to do for New Year?

2007-10-19T09:27:00.000Z

Why not go anywhere in the whole wide world other than Aberdeen. Travis are to headline this year's free Hogmanay celebrations there.

What is it with this band? Why must they so consistently victimise cheapskates?

At least when you had to pay for their records and gigs you knew you were safe. Now they could turn up anywhere.

Stay in your homes. Don't risk going to Tesco. You might get 'Why Does It Always Rain On Me?'-ed in the booze aisle.

Chamillionaire takes hats TO THE NEXT LEVEL

2007-10-16T13:07:00.000Z

First up, Chamillionaire tries the patented 50 Cent multi-hat arrangement and adds a hood the mix. Saucy.

But then he does this:

Anyone know what the HELL that is on top of his head?

Ocean Colour Scene give away single for free

2007-10-16T11:44:00.000Z

What a fucking rip-off! (Again.)

Time was people who didn't pay for music were treated with respect. Now all they get is third-rate dross like Ocean Colour Scene and Travis.

Why don't bands listen to the fans? Ocean Colour Scene, if you just stop it, we'll all give you heaps of cash. Just stop.

However, if you do insist on releasing records, perhaps you could slip us a few quid for tolerating your pointless pastiches.

Ja Rule has a bit of a go at pointing

2007-10-11T15:26:00.000Z

No, Ja. Extend the finger. No-one can distinguish the subject of your point.

Ja Rule loses a finger

2007-10-09T15:19:00.000Z

Presumably. It's the only explanation I can come up with for this:

He's lost his vest as well, poor mite.

50 Cent's shit at hats too

2007-10-08T10:03:00.000Z

And you thought Lloyd Banks was an amateur hat-wearer.

You fucking novice. You're already wearing one hat. Hopefully you'll at least learn from your mistake.

Unbelievable. At least the one underneath doesn't have a front and back to further highlight his incomptence.

Nas has a go at hats

2007-10-05T15:23:00.000Z

Nas is shit at it too.

Why can no-one wear a pissing hat any more? It's a really, really straightforward act.

Lloyd Banks - really quite amazingly shit at wearing hats

2007-10-05T10:39:00.000Z

Wearing hats is easy, you'd think. You just put the damn thing on your head and point it in the right direction. Job done.

Lloyd Banks hasn't mastered it though. He's shit at wearing hats.

Pointing the wrong way. He's not the first to make that mistake. If he studies the performances of more skilled hat-wearers, he can overcome this.

Perched too high and toppling over as a consequence. More force is required during the initial application of the hat.

Oh for fuck's sake.

Why P Diddy's not as cool as he thinks he is

2007-10-03T15:24:00.000Z

Too big to be a shoe and too big to be a phone too, for that matter.

Plus, you'll get dog shit on your face.

Placebo lose drummer

2007-10-03T10:50:00.000Z

He's probably at the airport. You always lose something there.

Either that or the rest of the band are looking at the spot where they expect the drummer to be, but for some reason that spot's about three inches to one side of where he actually is.

That's how we always lose things. They're always pretty much exactly where we thought they were, only for some reason we can't see them.

Unmarried lead singer, Brian Molko, said: "Being in a band is very much like being in a marriage. People can grow apart over the years."

It is rumoured that Placebo's drummer had a name, but that is, as yet, unconfirmed.

Foo Fighters - Echoes Silence Patience And Grace

2007-09-28T11:45:00.000Z

Sounds like a wholesome day in the life of a religious child.

First off, fun! We're going to go down to church and listen to the echoes of the reverend's voice as he bores us to tears.

Then there'll be a short bit of silence while we think about how lucky we are that God doesn't afflict us with terrible diseases and how He doesn't blight our lives with some needless war right on our doorstep.

Then patience. A fun-packed three hours of solitary card games, all the while thanking God for making us the 'correct' ethnicity.

Finally, grace. A massive, painfully-long, tearful thank you to God for letting us be born in a rich society whose wealth is built on the suffering and exploitation of less-fortunate nations.

Religious people are dicks. Foo Fighters aren't religious. Dave Grohl seems nice. And smart. He's not religious.

Travis give away free music

2007-09-25T13:55:00.000Z

What a fucking rip-off!

'My Eyes' will be given away free with next weekend's Mail on Sunday, along with several of their 'greatest hits'.

The only way I'll be getting the Mail on Sunday next weekend is if Travis are giving away their actual eyes.

Now that's harsh. Their instruments then. I'll buy the Mail on Sunday if Travis give away one of their instruments with each copy. But only because there's a minuscule chance that they'll sell fewer than five copies that day, thus enabling Travis to continue making music in some form.

New Oasis single

2007-09-24T17:24:00.000Z

It's called 'Lord Don't Slow Me Down,' you can't buy it in tangible CD form and Noel Gallagher says it's "quite rocking".

What the hell does that mean? Think of all the great rocking things of our times - chairs, horses. Imagine them rocking. Imagine how much they're rocking. Maybe they're rocking a lot. Maybe they're rocking just a little. You'd never say they were 'quite rocking' though, would you?

You can't even say that something's 'not quite rocking' because that's just stationary. If something's got the potential to rock and it's in motion in the manner intended, then it's rocking. If it's not moving, then obviously it's 'not rocking'.

Those are the choices. Which is it to be, Noel?

Rilo Kiley - Under The Blacklight

2007-09-06T14:00:00.000Z

Rilo Kiley's lead guitarist, Blake Sennett, used to appear in an American comedy show called 'Salute Your Shorts'. I for one applaud this title and the meaning therein.

Many garments aren't given the respect that they deserve. Shorts are held in particularly low esteem. Try getting into a high-roller's casino whilst wearing shorts. You've no chance.

So let's reclaim some dignity for these underrated coverers of our lower parts. They do sterling work for little or no reward. Salute your shorts. It's the least you can do.

You should also genuflect before your gloves and bow to your socks.

The Polyphonic Spree - The Fragile Army

2007-09-03T09:56:00.000Z

What are The Fragile Army made of?

I'd bet they were made of something brittle. Fragility's a flexible sort of concept. It varies slightly according to context. In the context of an army something rigid but with no resistance to impact would be considered fragile. Glass maybe or some sort of ceramic.

Not rubber though. Rubber wouldn't be a bad material with which to construct an army. Weapons would bounce off and the soldiers would be good and supple. Rubber's the way forward.

A further point about Newton Faulkner

2007-08-29T10:00:00.000Z

A further point about Newton Faulkner. Here's a picture of him. This is Newton Faulkner.

Back in the day, in fact as recently as last month, Newton Faulkner would have been excommunicated from mainstream society and branded 'a hippy' or 'a weird dirty hippy with ginger dreadlocks'.

But now he's being heralded as 'the next big artist' just because he's got an acoustic guitar. When did being a hippy with an acoustic guitar cease being laughable and become admirable?

I'm not against hippies, per se, but I think I probably am against hippies in mainstream popular culture.

It's all wrong.

James Blunt - All The Lost Souls

2007-08-24T08:51:00.000Z

It's only August. Bit early for the onset of seasonally-induced depression, isn't it? Give us all a chance.

You'd best prepare yourself. Draw the curtains. Curl up in a ball. Put James Blunt on. Train your thoughts solely on how pointless life is. Think about how nothing in the world is of any worth. Despair at how nothing quite grabs you. Wonder how you used to have 'enthusiasms'.

Who let Blunt have a guitar in the first place? If they'd given him a glockenspiel we wouldn't have all this trouble. Solo glockenspiel artists never make it onto the radio.

Balls.

Hed Kandi - Summer Sampler 2007: A Taste Of Kandi

2007-08-23T10:16:00.000Z

Holy shit! Was it only yesterday that we were bemoaning Hed Kandi's summer output?

Look at this cover. Four cartoon women. FOUR! It's a new record, even if the blonde one second from the right looks like she's a bit of a dick. That still leaves three and a spare in case one of the other three likes talking about Big Brother.

I think I recognise the one on the right from 'The Mix', but that's okay because she's a good one. Hed Kandi can use the good ones as many times as they like.

Speaking of which, they should feel free to use the other dark-haired one on everything from now on. In fact, I'm tempted to start a campaign to have her put on stamps.

Look at her face. She clearly knows stuff that you don't know. And I bet she could spend a week in the same room as you without so much as acknowledging your presence, even if you were the only other person there and you were bright yellow and 300 feet tall.

Hed Kandi - The Mix, Summer 2007

2007-08-22T10:10:00.000Z

It's summer! That means the Hed Kandi cartoon women are, er, doing the same as they normally do: cavorting around in bikinis, looking bored and taunting you with both of their dimensions.

Sadly, however, Hed Kandi have once again made 'the blonde error' on their cover. And look at that outfit. It's ludicrous. If the Hed Kandi women wear bikinis in winter, they should be wearing LESS in summer. They certainly shouldn't sport bastardised one-pieces.

This Hed Kandi woman makes even the last one look good. Rubbish.

And look at the ones in the background. They look they'd be great. It's infuriating amateurism from Hed Kandi, once again.

It's almost like I can't be bothered

2007-08-20T16:34:00.000Z

Being as I'm criminally neglecting this site at the moment, here's a token update.

Being as I haven't reviewed anything in nearly a week, here's a link to several singles being reviewed according to how sciencey they are.

This is a good way of reviewing music.

The Cat Empire - Two Shoes

2007-08-15T08:43:00.000Z

"Emperor, it is time for thy meal. Are you hungry?"

[Enthusiastic look gives way to blank look.]

"You are hungry, but not for that. How about I provide thee with something different?"

[Enthusiastic look once again gives way to a blank one. The emperor wanders off.]

"No? You are not pleased with that either? Well perhaps we should attend to the empire. There are a number of matters that..."

[Emperor walks past the assistant and lies on top of some papers, ignoring the bed which is right next to him.]

"No, emperor, no. Er, could you, er, move elsewhere? Those papers are, er..."

[Emperor fixes his assistant with a steely gaze before closing his eyes.]

The Thrills - Teenager

2007-08-14T13:15:00.000Z

Hands up who likes approximating the strained, cracked vocals of The Thrills' lead singer. Be honest.

Of course you do. It's because it's easy. Or at least it appears easy until the radio switches off and you hear yourself.

I like The Thrills' shameless desire to be from California. Ordinarily, trying to be in some way American when you're not (or even if you are) is a pretty unforgivable crime, but here the alternative permits it. At least The Thrills aren't cheeky, fun-loving Irishmen who like a drink.

Besides, they don't just adopt the vocal style and melody, they actually bother to go and live there. It's kind of like method acting.

However, this album was recorded in Vancouver, which is resolutely not Californian. For one thing it rains like frigging murder there. Not sure how this'll impact on The Thrills' inconsequential chirpiness.

The Coral - Roots and Echoes

2007-08-13T13:06:00.000Z

The Coral seem to labour under the misapprehension that melody is in some way 'enough'.

It's not. More psychedelia. More effort. Try and do a track which is a bit more rock 'n' roll and a bit less pastoral and agreeable.

Somebody needs to crank up the overdrive on the amps and irritate the drummer into a more vigorous performance by calling him names. Not good names, either. Not 'The Drumminator 9000' or 'The Rhythminator 9000' or anything like that. More like 'wee-pants' or 'gay-face'.

Less love. More hate. Like real life.

Paul Potts - One Chance

2007-08-10T09:48:00.000Z

Bit of a relaxation of normal policy for Paul Potts, Brother Number One, to give you even the one chance.

Ordinarily it'd be: Out to the country with you. Work on the farm. If you don't like it, you can go for some 're-education' at Security Prison 21 or maybe just get shot down at the Killing Fields.

Oh, wait. Paul Potts, you say, not Pol Pot?

I'm not a man who's easily deterred from an obvious joke which has already been done to death.

Robyn - Robyn

2007-08-09T15:29:00.000Z

Skyscrapers? Androgyny? Y instead of I? I'm not happy. I'm not happy at all.

Here's Amazon's artist description:

"She is Robyn. The most killingest pop star on the planet. A pint-sized atom bomb dosed on electric and dispensing wisdom in three-minute modernist pop bulletins on the post-adolescent condition."

That's awful enough without the nagging suspicion that it was penned by Robyn herself.

'Three minute modernist pop bulletins on the post-adolescent condition' - it's what the world's crying out for.

Why doesn't anyone pen songs about grouting the bathroom or the perils of randomly selecting a take-away menu and ordering from it?

Korn - Untitled

2007-08-08T13:31:00.000Z

I'm not sure whether this album's untitled or whether it's Untitled. That is to say, is it entitled 'Untitled' or has it not been named?

If it's 'Untitled', then that's really annoying. If it's untitled, then it's a bit annoying, but I can live with it.

Korn. We're on solid ground with 'Korn'. It's like 'corn' only much, much scarier. So dark, sinister and untamed that the C has been replaced with a K. There's no more powerful weapon in the band namer's armoury than the use of a K in place of a C.

Interestingly, Korn's singer is called Jonathan Davis. I was really, really hoping it was the same Jonathan Davis who represented Wales in Rugby Union and Great Britain in Rugby League, but it isn't. He's Jonathan Davies with an extra E in his surname.

The difference one letter can make, eh?

Newton Faulkner - Hand Built By Robots

2007-08-07T09:56:00.000Z

"Ohjesus, ohjesus, ohjesus, ohjesus, ohjesus. What did they build in the night?

"When I open this door, I'll find out what they've been up to. I can barely imagine.

"Let's go about this logically. Last week they built legs, a head, a torso, feet, upper arms, forearms and one hand. What could they have possibly built last night?

"It's no good. I'll just have to open the door and see...

"It's... It's... Another hand!"

Newton Faulkner's real name, according to Wikipedia is 'Sam Newton Battenberg Deutoronomy Faulkner'. Where do we stand on that? Is that 'true' or 'bollocks'?

Newton Faulkner's got ginger dreadlocks. Where do we stand on that?

Kate Nash - Made Of Bricks

2007-08-06T09:44:00.000Z

Is it a house? It's a house, isn't it? Or a robust garage. More likely a house though.

What else could it be? What else do you make out of bricks? A pile of bricks is made of bricks. A raised flower bed?

The single off this album's called 'Foundations' which is also a piece of construction terminology or 'jargon'. Is Kate Nash a builder? I don't know. I've only heard that one song and it was a bit embarrassing actually, so if it were made by a builder I'd feel better, because at least I'd know she had a career to fall back on.

There's a song called 'Shit Song' as well. People always do this on records these days to try and pre-empt and therefore nullify criticism. Robbie Williams did a song called 'Dickhead', but, undaunted, I called him a dickhead anyway.

I'll go so far as to say that 'Shit Song' is a shit song as well - and I've already admitted that I haven't heard it.

Manic Street Preachers - Everything Must Go

2007-08-03T11:14:00.000Z

"I'm paunchy and sport a 1950s haircut. You're really short and look like a boulder. He's far too tall. Do we look like a rock band or do we look like a rock band?"

Here's my 'Design For Life': There's nothing to do. No-one talks. You 'make your own fun' only it isn't actually much fun. Nobody likes anybody else, but nobody has to see anyone else, so it's okay. And everything's cheap, only you don't have any money.

Doesn't that sound brilliant? Vote for me. I'll make it happen.

Michael Jackson - Off The Wall

2007-08-02T10:22:00.000Z

He was once the King of Pop. Now he's at best a relatively high-ranking clerical worker of pop.

So can he once again work his way up to pop's zenith? I've come up with an ingenious one step plan. It was going to be a two step plan, but then I realised that 'being a bit weird' was really one of his selling points.

Step one: Release some music of some description.

It could be pretty much anything. He could do folk interpretations of Akala records. He could team up with Siobhan Donaghy and do a version of Ghostbusters. He could bang a tea tray with his elbow while pretending to be a mirkin.

There's three perfectly decent suggestions. There are plenty more.

Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral

2007-08-01T15:15:00.000Z

How can Nine Inch Nails be so certain that it's a downward spiral? Couldn't it just as easily be an upward spiral? Surely it just depends how you approach the spiral.

My approach has always been to start at the bottom and try and work my way up. This at least gives the illusion of an upward spiral. However, I regularly slip and undo my good work by sliding back down the spiral.

Nine Inch Nails strike me as the kind of band who are wedged somewhere in the middle of the spiral, arguing about which way to go.

Simply Red - Stars

2007-07-31T13:32:00.000Z

I was about to write something about Stars before realising that I just couldn't face it. I closed down the window in question, but then Simply Red came on the plasterer's radio and I took it as a sign.

It still doesn't give me much of a clue as to what to write though. I've got a headache, my vision's going funny from staring at this monitor, I'm trying and failing to write about Simply Red and I can HEAR Simply Red at the same time. Imagine how I feel.

The only way I can think of expressing my anguish in written form is by mashing my face against the keyboard, smothering myself in it and dribbling between the J and the K keys.

Just pretend that I've done this and this is what came out.

Any comment?

2007-07-30T11:18:00.000Z

This site's been feeling stale. I'm making some changes.

You can now comment on any review. In fact I'd encourage you to do so.

I'm probably going to start doing the odd news-type update too.

Lloyd Banks - The Hunger For More

2007-07-05T16:24:00.000Z

"Lloyd... Lloyd... Your cousin Harriet wishes to play badminton. Would you humour her? She looks up to you so."

"Well I've only just finished this battenburg, so perhaps a less active pursuit would be in order - like croquet."

"Croquet would be marvellous, Lloyd. Mother? Won't you join us. Croquet is so much more enjoyable with three, don't you think?"

"I couldn't agree more, Harriet, but unfortunately I must retire to the drawing room. The vicar will be arriving shortly."

"Oh, but you must ask him to play too. What could be more pleasant?"

"Very well."

"Won't this be delightful, Lloyd?"

"Yes, Harriet."

Robbie Williams - Welcome To Reality

2007-07-04T16:08:00.000Z

How in the name of Christ have I managed to review only one Robbie Willams record when he's so astonishingly wank and I so manifestly adore slagging things off?

At once bombastic and egocentric and yet overtly 'damaged' and shy at the same time. Talk about having your cake and eating it.

Maybe he just wants to be loved. Then stop acting like such a king-size DICK.

Anyone who loves you for being a dick is a bizarre, twisted simpleton. You don't want to be loved by those sorts of people. Those sorts of people like Jim Davidson and he's a racist with an orangutan's pubes for hair.

Just calm down. Stop 'doing' anything. Don't 'do' big and attention-seeking. Don't 'do' quiet and self-effacing, because it just smacks of covert attention-seeking in conjunction with your other behaviour.

In short: Fuck off.

Puff Daddy - Forever

2007-07-03T16:00:00.000Z

Too long! Too long!

Track six is entitled 'Is This The End'. Alas not, there are 13 further tracks - a whole album's worth. This album truly does go on forever.

We previously came up with some brilliant alternative names for Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Sean Combs. We've come up with some more now.

The Boreinator 9000
The Dullinator 9000
The Overlonginator 9000
The Wankinator 9000

The Killers - Hot Fuss

2007-07-02T15:50:00.000Z

You're an alternative sort of person, aren't you? You're independently-minded. You like a bit of guitar - none of this crappy pop music.

Why not switch on XFM in one of its guises and listen to The Killers because they're only on EVERY OTHER FUCKING SONG.

Then maybe you can phone in and tell everyone how you're just 'chilling out' and how you've maybe got a beer because it's nice weather and it's a Friday.

Mr Brightside, which is on Hot Fuss, is particularly annoying. The fact that Mr Brightside is astonishingly popular is a mark of just how out of step with the world I am.

It's also a mark of how stupid and wrong the rest of the world is. 50 million people can't be wrong, eh? Take a listen to Mr Brightside and think again.

Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory

2007-06-29T11:25:00.000Z

"Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break" say Linkin Park on 'One Step Closer'.

What you gonna do? Go on. What you gonna do?

Are you going to break your six month old tennis racket and make mummy buy you a brand new one?

When mummy brings you steak chips and peas are you going to leave the peas, saying you don't like them, even though they're your favourite vegetable?

Are you going to cry and cry and scream and scream until mummy buys you an Xbox 360?

I tell you what, you don't want to be nearby when Linkin Park 'break'.

Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds - Abattoir Blues/The Lyre Of Orpheus

2007-06-28T15:39:00.000Z

This album is fantastic. I lent it to mum and mum hated it - what more do you need to know?

It's better than wanting a pizza and finding one in the freezer. It's better than asking for one kind of beer on someone else's round, their getting it wrong and bringing you a better one that you've never had before. It's better than comfy shoes.

It's better than that time that girl looked at you and thought about speaking to you before thinking better of it (so close). It's better than that day at school when no-one spat on you.

It's better than finding a quid.

Akon - Trouble

2007-06-27T15:34:00.000Z

Akon's not got a vest on.

This is clearly a variant on the old 'feeling the benefit' of only using your coat when necessary.

Akon has clearly become a bit cold. In order to combat this, he has stripped off his clothing and removed himself to an even colder place for a short period.

When he returns to the warmer environment, he will redress and consequently 'feel the benefit'.

Cooper Temple Clause - See This Through And Leave

2007-06-26T14:25:00.000Z

The Cooper Temple Clause, like Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, appear to have a band name consisting of randomly selected nouns.

I love names like that. Redcar in the North-East is a great spot for names consisting of random nouns, so long as you read it as 'Red Car'. So you get 'Red Car Baths' and 'Red Car Library'. Brilliant.

However, we have seen the king of random noun names. It's on a sign in York and it will never be bettered.

It's on a road called Monk Bar and it's a garage selling spare parts for a car called the MG Midget.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

Monk Bar Garage York Midget Spares

Out-noun that bad boy.

Keane - Hopes and Fears

2007-06-25T13:34:00.000Z

What do you think Keane's hopes and fears might be?

Hope: The Earl of Rochester will take the hand of sister Phillipa, thus increasing the Keane family's land.

Fear: The Earl of Rochester will continue visiting Tom in the night, drunk on port.

Hope: The new gamekeeper will be able to protect the land from the poor.

Fear: The poor will rise as one, claim the Keane family's land and divide it amongst themselves.

Hope: A Keane will one day rise to the throne to rule over the poor AND the rich.

Fear: The genetic weaknesses that have arisen through excessive interbreeding will one day conquer the Keanes, meaning no-one will be able to protect the land from the poor.

Aerosmith - Honkin' On Bobo

2007-06-22T13:24:00.000Z

This falls into the category of things that I don't want explained. Honkin' On Bobo. Clarity would diminish it.

I saw Aerosmith's singer, Steven Tyler, on Wayne's World 2 the other day. He's unbelievably cadaverous. More so than I remember. If you've got a spare oversized mouth lying around, you could probably build a fairly credible Steven Tyler by joining some chicken wing bones together with string and glueing the mouth near the top.

He's like a puppet, most of which has biodegraded. He even moves like he's on strings. And he's got a comedy fake voice, which is clearly a very bad example of ventriloquism.

Curtis Stigers - I Think It's Going To Rain Today

2007-06-21T13:15:00.000Z

As an Englishman and therefore being obsessed with weather, I'm not satisfied with Curtis Stigers' assertion that he thinks it's going to rain today. Is it or isn't it?

Not only that, I want justification. Once he's certain that it's going to rain (or not), then I want to know why he thinks that. Is it because the weather's predominantly coming from the west? Is it because of the morning humidity?

If it's just a feeling, that won't do. I want Curtis Stigers to quote atmospheric pressure, relative humidity and seasonal precedents. I want him at the very least to say that he felt a couple of droplets.

You can't just go round making rash pronouncements, you know, Curtis.

Amerie - Touch

2007-06-20T12:26:00.000Z

It's Amerie. I didn't spot that last time I did an Amerie album, because in my head, I was hearing her name wrong. I know her as 'Eh, Marie?'

I should have seen my error though, because the main thing I remember about Amerie is that she sings while wearing lots of top clothing and a pair of hotpants. On the cover of Because I Love It, there are three or four Ameries, each wearing virtually nothing on their legs.

This album, Touch, features '1 Thing' which is that really insistent song where the chorus seems to alternate between two different octaves. Makes her sound a bit like a dog. In a good way.

Bloc Party - Silent Alarm

2007-06-18T12:16:00.000Z

I wish I had a silent alarm.

The house alarm's got a faulty battery. It overcharges or something. If the power goes off, the alarm goes off.

Disconnect the battery, you say? I did. The alarm still went off. Turns out there's a second battery that's in the box on the outside of the house.

So disconnect that one as well, numpty, you say? Well, unfortunately, if this battery is disconnected, the alarm thinks it's being disarmed by a burglar, so when the mains is on, it sounds.

So until the replacement battery is fitted, I have to lie gazing at the ceiling at nights, occasionally twitching at the thought of the impending power cut that I'm helpless to prevent.

Oh for a silent alarm.

Pink - M!ssundaztood

2007-06-15T15:27:00.000Z

I've previously gone on record as saying that Pink is a stupid name. For some reason I didn't notice that it was, in fact, 'P!nk' - which is just as well. Let's gloss over that.

I can't gloss over 'M!ssundaztood' though. It's too wilfully quirky to pass without comment. We all know what it's supposed to say and we all blindly accept that sometimes in pop music, you use the wrong letters - because that's the way things are done in pop.

But look at it. Read it. Just try and read what's ACTUALLY there. 'M!ssundaztood'.

For one thing, you can't pronounce an exclamation mark. It's not an audible sound. It just gives instruction as to how the preceding word or words should be produced - as an exclamation.

Secondly, that Z. 'Misunderstood' doesn't have a Z sound. The letter Z tends to indicated a voiced sound; the letter S an unvoiced one. 'Misunderstood' has a voiceless S sound.

Finally, the A that replaces 'er'. The fact that this has been deliberately included at the expense of 'er' means there's a change in sound there. If you say the word, you have to really concentrate to get that bit right, because that neutral 'er' sound's so natural. You'll tend to emphasise it weirdly: 'MisundAstood'.

Put it all together and it's a bloody nightmare. If you ignore the exclamation mark and succeed in making the A sound, you'll probably still do an S instead of a Z because all your focus was on the A sound.

No wonder it's M!ssundaztood.

The Game - The Documentary

2007-06-14T15:14:00.000Z

Unexpectedly, this Game album is a concept piece inspired by Nick Broomfield's documentary about South African white supremacist, Eugene Terreblanche - hence the title 'The Documentary'.

The Game commented: "People may have expected me to record another album about the hood full of name-dropping of other west coast rap stars, but that's just not me.

"I was profoundly affected by Broomfield's portrait of Eugene Terreblanche. It was astonishing to realise that such a man could wield power in this day and age, but more than that, the film was an intriguing insight into a certain part of South African society.

"It was strange to see the human side of such outwardly hateful people, while at the same time, it was astounding to see the delusion behind their unsavoury beliefs.

"Hopefully this record will reflect that. I don't even say 'ho' on it or anything."

Madonna - Confessions On A Dance Floor

2007-06-13T14:51:00.000Z

Confessions to make on a dancefloor:

I know I said I couldn't dance, but actually I spent three years at disco school.

I have to confess: I wrote this song.

Confessions not to make on a dance floor:

Any kind of rhythmic movement makes me engorged down below.

It's my fault you're dancing weirdly. I spiked your drink with barbiturates.

Britney Spears - Britney

2007-06-12T14:12:00.000Z

Why has Britney Spears seemingly got a purple lightning bolt passing through her pallid carcass on the cover of this album?

Perhaps it's the superstar equivalent of a kick up the arse, encouraging her to name her albums more imaginatively or ordering her to once again make the effort of having her heart beat, thus ensuring adequate blood supply to her extremities.

Look at her. She's corpselike. And you think she's rubbish when she moves around and sings. Imagine how poor she must be with rigor mortis setting in.

Very poor. Very poor indeed. Perhaps even worse than Toploader.

From First To Last - My Teenage Angst Has A Bodycount

2007-06-11T12:52:00.000Z

As a card-carrying ugly person, I'm delighted to see that my people, in the form of 'bagheads' are finally being represented on album covers. Not before time.

Some tracks on this album aren't very nice. Tracks like, 'Kiss Me, I'm Contagious' and 'Ride The Wings Of Pestilence'. However, there are some wise words as well.

Words don't come much wiser than 'I Liked You Better Before You Were Naked On The Internet'. This applies to everyone you know. It even applies to people you think you'd like to see naked, (obviously on the internet, because you, like me, are a complete baghead and will never - NEVER - see another person naked).

There's also a song called 'Featuring Some Of Your Favourite Words'. Actually, it's 'Favorite' words, but I've corrected them. 500 million people spell it 'favorite' and remarkably they're all wrong.

Anyway, it's good to see that some of my favourite words are appearing in song. Not since Noel Coward have words such as 'splendid', 'marvellous' and 'spiffing' been represented in popular music. Hats off.

Joss Stone - Mind Body and Soul

2007-06-08T13:06:00.000Z

Funny thing about soul music: If it's any good, the creator never, ever applies the label 'soul' to it.

So: Mind, Body and Soul then.

It contains some woeful thinking. One song is called 'Right To Be Wrong'. Erroneous. It's wrong to be wrong. You can tell by the use of the word 'wrong'. Big give away.

Another track's called 'Less Is More'. Again, no. More is more. Less is less. You can't just disregard the meanings of words otherwise there's going to be anarchy.

On the other hand, I can call Joss Stone 'a moronic bitch who looks like a turd in a hat' and she'll probably take it as a compliment, if that's the way she thinks.

Gwen Stefani - Love Angel Music Baby

2007-06-07T12:59:00.000Z

I'm going to have to repeat myself a bit here. I was once moved to write something about the song 'Rich Girl' which appears on this album. It's worth repeating.

One line runs: ‘If I was a rich girl, then I’d have all the money in the world’. Richness is all relative. Compared to the average third-world resident, I'm rich. Compared to the majority of the first-world, Gwen Stefani is rich.

You don't need to have all of the money in the world to be classed as rich. By the same token, if you are rich, you have a relatively large amount of money. You do not, under any circumstances, have all of it.

If you did have all of the money in the world, Gwen, you would be paradoxically poor as without hard currency, people would have to revert to a primitive barter system and your wealth would be meaningless.

More to the point, it's very unlikely that anyone would wish to trade food with you in exchange for your lamentable services as a 40-year-old woman dressing as a cheerleader.

Beyoncé - Dangerously In Love

2007-06-06T13:21:00.000Z

Dangerously in love? Just how dangerously in love are you Beyoncé?

Are you so dangerously in love that if you saw your lover on the opposite side of the A556, you'd try and dash across at rush hour?

Are you so dangerously in love that if offered a telephone that you knew was electrified, you'd still try and call your bloke, even though there would be 240 volts of consequences?

Beyoncé. Are you so dangerously in love that you'd still try and see your other half, even if his father was Skeletor and Skeletor had expressly forbidden you from seeing each other?

Emma Bunton - Free Me

2007-06-05T12:52:00.000Z

I'm always astounded at how vaguely memorable pop songs can often be found on albums featuring nothing else of note.

You tend to think that some artists release singles and only singles before compiling them all for a 'best of'. Take Free Me by Emma Bunton, for example. I just about remember the title song, but I can't honestly say that I recognise any other song title.

Maybe that's because they've all got titles that are about as arresting as the air behind your left knee: 'Maybe', 'I'll Be There', 'Tomorrow', 'Amazing', 'You Are' and 'Something So Beautiful'.

What's also striking is that Emma Bunton felt she could pass as just 'Emma' when this came out. Bit ambitious.

Black Eyed Peas - Elephunk

2007-06-04T12:44:00.000Z

Later in their career, the Black Eyed Peas went on to release a song entitled 'Don't Phunk With My Heart'. 'Phunk' in that instance, clearly meant 'fuck'. That would mean that this album is rather intriguingly called 'Elefuck'.

Don't know what that means. Don't want to encounter it in my everyday life either - whatever it is.

If you're in the UK, you get a bonus track on Elephunk. It's called 'Rock My Shit'.

Rock it! Rock that shit! Scoop up the Black Eyed Peas excrement, cradle it in your arms and slowly try and help it to sleep with gentle movement. Rock the Black Eyed Peas' shit!

2Pac - 2Pacalypse Now

2007-06-01T12:37:00.000Z

Not QUITE got the hang of this 'play on words' thing, have you Tupac?

He'd have been better off with '2Packets of crisps, please' or '2Pac or not 2Pac, that is the question (with my holiday in Portugal fast approaching)'.

But really he could have gone for a better name in the first place:

The Packinator 9000
The Twoinator 9000
The Shakinator 9000

The list's virtually endless.

The Twang - I Love It When I Feel Like This

2007-05-31T15:14:00.000Z

Worst. Band name. Ever.

Or thereabouts. However, the cover's not bad. It looks like a fox in a parka. Good stuff.

There's a good song title too: 'Push The Ghosts'. This is a tactic rarely used in horror films. Running around shrieking comes quite high; calling The Ghostbusters is another option; sitting still getting really freaked out is another still.

But pushing the ghosts? No-one's tried that.

Ghosts have had it their own way too long. Why do they always get to be the ones freaking US out. Why can't we freak THEM out for a change - with our opaque appearance and ability to consistently manipulate objects?

Do it tonight. Give a ghost the heebie-jeebies by spookily appearing with plenty of warning from somewhere-very-obvious.

Maroon 5 - It Won't Be Soon Before Long

2007-05-30T14:02:00.000Z

It won't... be soon... before long...?

When will it be soon? Before how long will it be what? How soon is 'before long'? How long is 'before soon'? Why won't it be soon before long? How can you say with such certainty that long, long before soon, but soon before long it soon won't be long?

I'll tell you some things I CAN be sure of:

Soon you'll be sick of Maroon 5, if you don't loathe them already.

Before long you'll do a 'double Van Gogh' so as to save yourself.

Siobhan Donaghy - Ghosts

2007-05-29T13:52:00.000Z

"Holy fucking crap, what was that?"

"I think it was the boiler going on."

"Really... Oh... Sweet Jesus! - what's that then?"

"That? That's a bed."

"No, not that. THAT!"

"That? That's your jumper."

"That's not my fucking jumper. My fucking jumper doesn't go there."

"It is. It is your jumper. It's on a hanger."

"Oh, right. Yes. It is my jumper... Sorry... I thought it was a ghost."

"So what? You're a ghost."

"... S'pose."

Mutya Buena - Real Girl

2007-05-25T13:44:00.000Z

Mutya Buena has been unkindly branded 'Munter' Buena by some people.

I would never stoop so low as to take issue with her appearance. However, I will go on record as saying I'd rather have sex with the moon.

The middle of this record features a light-hearted, buoyant run of tracks: 'Breakdown Motel', 'Strung Out', 'It's Not Easy' and 'Suffer For Love'.

I'm guessing that times have been tough for Mutya. I guess being in The Sugababes was equivalent to working in a Victorian workhouse and I'm guessing leaving The Sugababes was like walking out on a loved one.

As Leonardo Da Vinci once said: 'You can't have it both ways, Buena. Belt up. Make some records about upbeat things like picnics and Christmas presents. Don't make me tell you again - I'm busy inventing helicopters and the contact lens.'

Yes, he did say that.

Sophie Ellis Bextor - Trip The Light Fantastic

2007-05-23T13:36:00.000Z

Sophie Ellis Bextor's supposed to be attractive. Oh yeah? Why does she look like the fucking moon then?

Look at her face. It's almost perfectly spherical, pale enough to blind you by reflecting the sun's rays straight into your unguarded retinas and sports practically no features. It's the fucking moon.

I wouldn't go within 238,857 miles of her. I wouldn't touch her with Apollo 11.

Natasha Bedingfield - Nb

2007-05-22T13:19:00.000Z

'I've got a fantastically oversized mouth. I wonder what I should put on the cover of my album. I know. I'll use my mouth and pretty much nothing else'.

This probably wasn't the train of thought that led to this album cover, but I can't really comprehend what did happen.

This is yet another pop album where the song titles are all utterly meaningless. 'Still Here', 'Who Knows', 'Say It Again', 'Not Givin' Up'. There is, quite simply, NOTHING that means ANYTHING amongst that. It's like staring at a wall you've painted white. Some bits appear to stand out, but it's actually just your mind imploding as a result of the unrelenting blanditude.

However, there is one hidden gem: 'Pirate Bones'. Anything overtly piratical can't be bad. It's not possible. Pirates are inherently wonderful. Think about it: Captain Pugwash, Pop Up Pirate - both works of genius.

Featured post: 888.com – An online casino that marches to a different beat

2007-05-21T15:59:00.000Z

Your spare time is precious; spend it doing what you really want to do. Discover 888.com, an online casino dedicated to and providing nothing but excellence in gaming.

Play all your favorite casino games from anywhere in the world at 888. Choose from more than forty game options and play them for real or free money. The games are available on two free software choices, as well: the no download and the downloadable version. Play the games on the go for free money on the no download software.

Take your game to the next level and start playing for real money and winning real money. All players receive a 100% Welcome Bonus, worth up to $200 in free cash, on their first deposit. Unlike most of the competition, the bonus is instantly playable, no waiting period necessary!

Enter the brand new casino lobby and select your game of choice. All of the games are organized by category so you won’t have trouble finding your preferred type of game be it skill-based or luck.

If you’re a beginner looking for more than just an online casino, try your luck at Online-Casino.com. Online Casino is the premier casino online for beginning and intermediate level players. Read the tutorials and tips of all the casino games before you start to play at Online Casino.

HIM - Uneasy Listening Volume II: Rarities

2007-05-21T12:51:00.000Z

His Infernal Majesty - there's a band name.

'Rendez Vous With Anus' - there's a song title. There is literally nothing I can add to that.

One track's called 'Hand Of Doom'. I remember contracting a hand of doom once. It was bloody murder. I couldn't do anything without inevitable destruction. Obviously I learnt early on to use my other hand, the left, but I'm so painfully one-sided that it wasn't a great deal better. My left hand's a hand of inadvertent doom.

Of course even at its best, when my left hand was successfully working its way through a mundane task, the Hand Of Doom was unoccupied and would amuse itself by sabotaging the left's efforts. Eventually, after a course of antibiotics, the symptoms subsided. A mate had an anus of doom. You don't want to hear about that.

A quick note about track five, 'Beginning Of The End': Track five is neither the beginning nor the end. Idiots.

Various Artists - The Best Disco In Town

2007-05-18T11:58:00.001Z

Here's what the best disco in town must feature:

Very comfy armchairs

A selection of alcoholic drinks that don't taste worryingly chemical

A broad menu

Waiter service

A large television broadcasting live Test match cricket and then series three of The Wire after close of play

Here's what the best disco in town mustn't feature:

Bald men with tiny eyes, shiny shirts and short tempers

Disco music

Modest Mouse - We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank

2007-05-17T15:01:00.000Z

Modest? I'll say. Positively reclusive. If I were a mouse who could make records, I'd be on ITV's 'Musical Rodents' before you could say 'Roland Rat'.

It's a shame he wasn't a rat actually. Rats famously flee the sinking ship rather than just lying around on deck, terminally ill, awaiting their fate.

Back in real life, this band now features Johnny Marr, one of the finest guitarists in the world and one who appears to have pretty much renounced making a great deal of effort with his instrument of choice about 20 years ago when he was only 23.

At the time of writing, I'd achieved Jack Shit. When I was 23, I'd achieved even less.

Good Shoes - Think Before You Speak

2007-05-16T14:51:00.000Z

Think before you speak? Why? Why do you need to do that? What are you thinking? It's something bad, isn't it? You're thinking of desecrating something, aren't you? Shame on you.

The point is, only terrible, bad, evil people need to think before they speak. Why else would you need to monitor your thoughts. I for one have never thought anything bad in my life. It wouldn't so much as cross my mind to badmouth Jesus to a Christian or repeatedly slap a child in the face for crying too much.

You should never think before you speak. Just speak. That way everyone knows where they stand. If you wonder out loud how you're going to steal that beggar's hat full of money, he'll hear you and can take steps to stop you. As a result the world's a better place.

The Maccabees - Colour It In

2007-05-15T14:41:00.000Z

I like it when a band has a recognisable look to their album covers. The Maccabees' covers are very distinctive. They've got nice subdued pastel shades and thick black outlines.

This cover's particularly good because everyone looks like they're related to Morph. Hopefully the Maccabees will adopt Morph's shrill murmur in place of their own singing voices. Morph-talk's much underused in popular music.

What would you do if you were plasticine? I'd roll myself into a ball and sit in the corner gathering dust until I'd gone solid and unmalleable. Then you'd have to replace me with a new sheet of plasticine.

Yes, plasticine does come in sheets. Wriggly corduroy-style sheets.

Deftones - White Pony

2007-05-14T13:04:00.000Z

One track's called 'Knife Party'. What the hell is a knife party?

I read the lyrics. There aren't many. It seems very repetitive. Mostly it's 'get a knife' and 'have a little bit of a lie down' or words to that effect. The only thing that hints at anything more is the word 'anaemic'.

I was going to write something hilarious about anaemia and The Deftones, so I went and read about anaemia for a bit. Unfortunately, due to my abnormally small brain, I find that I can never glean any actual information about anything medical or scientific. The upshot is that you'll have to include your own anaemia joke.

Anaemia's probably a really rich comedy seam. If only my puny brain would help me mine it.

Deep Purple - The Platinum Collection

2007-05-11T14:29:00.000Z

I see that platinum's the best substance there is now. Better than gold. Better than diamonds. Better even than cheese.

Some idiot cricketers self-applied the nickname 'The Platinum Club' once, instantly making themselves look like dicks.

It's a bit more excusable in the world of rock, where a platinum record at least means something and pretty much everyone's a dick already. It's still lazy naming though.

Here are some other suggestions as to what this album could have been called:

The Deepinator 9000
The Purpinator 9000

The list's virtually endless.

Chemical Brothers - We Are The Night

2007-05-10T10:26:00.000Z

Every single Chemical Brothers album is near-flawless. Sometimes you read a review saying that such-and-such an album showed them 'off-form' or was 'below par'. These reviewers are demented simpletons with no critical faculties. Every single Chemical Brothers album is near-flawless.

Some albums are better than others, but mostly it's a matter of taste. The fact is that any Chemical Brothers song is nine times more ambitious and imaginitive than anything else around. Listening to a Chemical Brothers song for the first time, you can not know where it's going to go. This is a good thing.

It's strange then that they've decided to release a rubbish song, 'Do It Again,' as the first single off We Are The Night. It's okay though, because the first single off Come With Us - 'It Began In Afrika' - was also rubbish.

That's rubbish by Chemical Brothers standards of course. If a rubbish Chemical Brothers song is a glass of chilled champagne, then the next best song of the year is half a mug of cold, weak Bovril with a poo floating in it.

Various Artists - Hed Kandi - Serve Chilled

2007-05-09T11:26:00.000Z

A highly disappointing release from Hed Kandi. It only features one cartoon woman on the front cover and she's a blonde one. As I've previously informed you: Never the blonde cartoon woman from the Hed Kandi albums; always one of the other ones.

She's in close-up as well, so you can't see the saucy cartoon outfit she's no doubt barely wearing. She appears to be on a beach, so it would probably be some form of bikini.

All I can think about is the much better cartoon women who are cavorting around in bikinis off-canvas - probably playing volleyball or emerging from the surf looking like they've some place better to be.

Those cartoon women are the ones who should be representing this album: The surly, disinterested, non-blonde ones. This girl looks like she might actually speak to you. Rubbish. If you'd bought her that rocket lolly, she'd probably have said 'thank you' rather than just looking away from you with barely concealed contempt.

Prince - 1999

2007-05-08T11:03:00.000Z

Prince: Looks like a gimp; acts like a gimp; produces a large amount of actually quite good music.

I remember seeing the layout of the opening guitar chord of one of Prince's songs once. I tried to play it, but even from a standing start, I couldn't actually get my fingers into the correct position.

I'm not a guitar novice. Prince clearly discovered the ultimate guitar chord. He's tiny as well and I'm guessing his hands are to scale. He must have a child's guitar or he'd never stretch beyond one fret.

I remember another time, back when I was a child - one of my Star Wars figures appeared to move of its own volition. On closer inspection, it had the word 'slave' on its cheek. It was Prince himself. He'd somehow found his way inside my Millennium Falcon and had become trapped.

I carefully scooped him up in my hand and dropped him outside my window. He scampered off and promptly recorded 'Something In The Water (Does Not Compute)' - one of the more disappointing songs off the 1999 album.

Linkin Park - Minutes To Midnight: Special Edition

2007-05-04T10:25:00.000Z

Over the years, Linkin Park have been dogged by allegations that they're nothing more than a pale imitation of fey Nineties indie rockers, Gene. Nowhere is that more apparent than on Minutes To Midnight.

The vocals on 'Bleed It Out' and 'No More Sorrow' are pure Martin Rossiter and the guitars throughout are jangly and insistent, a la Gene.

One further influence is also apparent. The percussion on 'Little Things Give You Away' is pure Cud. If the drummer from Cud doesn't get some sort of financial recompense, it will be a grave injustice indeed.

There is one internet rumour that the drummer from Cud underwent extensive reconstructive surgery after falling in the bath and is actually behind the kit for Linkin Park. I thought this was far-fetched, but my ears are less convinced.

Amerie - Because I Love It

2007-05-03T14:05:00.000Z

Amerie's first langauage was Korean. Her mother attempted to limit her use of the language after the family moved to the US, believing it might hinder her English development.

Apparently, Amerie still speaks Korean with her mother, which isn't a particularly rigid enforcement of 'not speaking Korean' on her mother's part. This perhaps explains Amerie's lamentable English.

'Hate2loveu', 'That's What U R', 'When Loving U Was Easy' and 'Losing U'. It's 'you', Amerie - 'you'. Maybe that kind of single-letter representation of full words might wash in Korea, but here in the United Kingdom, we spell everything in full.

Even in an emergency, it's considered rank bad form to depart from the recognised standards. If there were a fire in an Englishman's home and through some complex set of circumstances he needed to write a quick note prior to fleeing the blaze, he would sooner die than use 'U' or 'R' in place of the full version.

He would sooner die.

The Backstreet Boys - Millennium

2007-05-02T14:02:00.000Z

I used to call The Backstreet Boys 'The Back Passage Boys'. I was so funny back then. I don't know WHY I didn't try to become a stand-up comedian.

'Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely'. Now THERE'S an idea. Why didn't anyone separate The Backstreet Boys sooner? Surely it must have occurred to someone that they couldn't muck about making records if they were all sitting separately.

'I Want It That Way', the angel in question would have said. 'Don't Want You Back', they would have added.

Did you know that there was a comic called 'The Backstreet Project'? In it, The Back Street Boys are "cyber crusaders"... They have special amulets... They have adventures...

There are a large number of lies on this site. Astonishingly, the above isn't one of them.

Ocean Colour Scene - On The Leyline

2007-05-01T10:36:00.000Z

This week's entrants in the 'didn't know they were still around' category are Ocean Colour Scene.

Ocean Colour Scene confuse and frustrate me. They confuse me because they're prone to haircuts which are longer at the sides than on top. It's a tremendously unflattering look, particularly now they're all middle-aged.

They frustrate me, because despite showing a bit of promise with the old guitar, they have literally NO ambition. None whatsoever. Why pretend that it's not the distant past when you could just reinterpret sixties blues-rock until the end of time?

They're like those hippies who wish we all still lived in the Middle Ages before the world was ruined by television, increased free time and civilisation.

Well if you're going to wallow in the past you have to take the negatives as well, be they leprosy and the Black Death or drug-fuelled paranoia and an income of about £3,000 a year.

That's what it was like for bands in the Sixties, Ocean Colour Scene. Go on - live it like you mean it. (The leprosy and Black Death were for the hippies, but you can give them a whirl too, if you want).

Senses Fail - Let It Enfold You

2007-04-30T12:30:00.000Z

Let what enfold you? You don't expect me to accede on such scant information do you?

Let's look at the evidence contained on this album and judge Senses Fail's intentions accordingly.

Track one, 'Tie Her Down'. This is not promising. Perhaps 'her' is a pink and purple wisteria which needs securing against a trellis.

Track five, 'Bite To Break Skin'. Another stumbling block. I guess it could be roast chicken skin or even the skin of an apple or tomato or something. Let's not jump to conclusions about Senses Fail. Let's not jump to conculusions about EVIL Senses Fail.

Track 11, 'The Irony Of Dying On Your Birthday'. Dyeing hair? The spelling doesn't really support this and I'm loathe to dismiss spelling as a good barometer of a person.

Track eight, 'Choke On This'. Track three 'You're Cute When You Scream'. Track 12 'Angela Baker And My Obsession With Fire'.

Case dismissed!

Things I wouldn't mind being enfolded by:

A duvet

Things I would mind being enfolded by:

A kraken

Manic Street Preachers - Send Away The Tigers

2007-04-26T17:05:00.000Z

More shocking advice from the Manic Street Preachers. Tigers are magical creatures. We should embrace them - figuratively, at least. I'm not sure giving a tiger a hug would be too productive.

I see that the Manics have fallen foul of the despicable trend for blending words together. We have two tracks exhibiting this abhorrent technique on this album: 'Autumnsong' and 'Winterlovers'.

Why is everyone so against spaces? Spaces are lovely and easy on the eye. They're also of crucial importance at times. If I said that the Manics were 'shiteels' that could mean that they were either 'shit eels' or 'shite els' - Ernie Els being a prominent golfer of course. Is there any greater weapon in the satirists armoury than to liken someone to a golfer?

If there were no such thing as spaces, you'd constantly be adjacent to a tiger as well. Space rocks.