Pete Doherty makes surprise appearance in newspaper

Pete Doherty made a surprise appearance in the middle pages of many of the nation's newspapers last week.

The articles centred around a court case where Doherty has been charged with possession of drugs as well as some other minor misdemeanours.

All of the articles began with a short description of the charges levelled against Doherty before going on to outline the punishment dished out to the moon-faced, under-achieving producer of underwhelming, self-consciously sloppy dross.

The majority of the press coverage refers to Doherty's latest attempt to 'go clean'.

All of the coverage refers to his one-time relationship with panda-eyed, semi-mute broom handle appendage to many an 'outsider', Kate Moss.

Simply Red get the hint 25 years late

Strawberry blonde, pap-pop purveying, leprechaun-faced Mancunian munchkin, Mick Hucknall has announced that he'll be recording music under his own name from 2009 and therefore calling time on Simply Red a mere 25 years too late.

Mick's got a simple aim for the future: "I want to be more influenced by R’n’B of the Sixties and try my slant on it, and try to invent a new form of music."

Trying to invent a new form of music might seem a lofty aim, but you forget who you're dealing with.

"I am one of the best singer-songwriters this country has produced. Ever." - Mick Hucknall.

"Tom Jones told me only a few singers have got the pipes, and he's right. He has. Sinatra did. I have." - Mick Hucknall.

Wondering what to do for New Year?

Why not go anywhere in the whole wide world other than Aberdeen. Travis are to headline this year's free Hogmanay celebrations there.

What is it with this band? Why must they so consistently victimise cheapskates?

At least when you had to pay for their records and gigs you knew you were safe. Now they could turn up anywhere.

Stay in your homes. Don't risk going to Tesco. You might get 'Why Does It Always Rain On Me?'-ed in the booze aisle.

Chamillionaire takes hats TO THE NEXT LEVEL

First up, Chamillionaire tries the patented 50 Cent multi-hat arrangement and adds a hood the mix. Saucy.



But then he does this:



Anyone know what the HELL that is on top of his head?

Ocean Colour Scene give away single for free

What a fucking rip-off! (Again.)

Time was people who didn't pay for music were treated with respect. Now all they get is third-rate dross like Ocean Colour Scene and Travis.

Why don't bands listen to the fans? Ocean Colour Scene, if you just stop it, we'll all give you heaps of cash. Just stop.

However, if you do insist on releasing records, perhaps you could slip us a few quid for tolerating your pointless pastiches.

Ja Rule has a bit of a go at pointing

No, Ja. Extend the finger. No-one can distinguish the subject of your point.

Ja Rule loses a finger

Presumably. It's the only explanation I can come up with for this:



He's lost his vest as well, poor mite.

50 Cent's shit at hats too

And you thought Lloyd Banks was an amateur hat-wearer.


You fucking novice. You're already wearing one hat. Hopefully you'll at least learn from your mistake.


Unbelievable. At least the one underneath doesn't have a front and back to further highlight his incomptence.

Nas has a go at hats

Nas is shit at it too.



Why can no-one wear a pissing hat any more? It's a really, really straightforward act.

Lloyd Banks - really quite amazingly shit at wearing hats

Wearing hats is easy, you'd think. You just put the damn thing on your head and point it in the right direction. Job done.

Lloyd Banks hasn't mastered it though. He's shit at wearing hats.

Pointing the wrong way. He's not the first to make that mistake. If he studies the performances of more skilled hat-wearers, he can overcome this.


Perched too high and toppling over as a consequence. More force is required during the initial application of the hat.


Oh for fuck's sake.

Why P Diddy's not as cool as he thinks he is

Too big to be a shoe and too big to be a phone too, for that matter.

Plus, you'll get dog shit on your face.

Placebo lose drummer

He's probably at the airport. You always lose something there.

Either that or the rest of the band are looking at the spot where they expect the drummer to be, but for some reason that spot's about three inches to one side of where he actually is.

That's how we always lose things. They're always pretty much exactly where we thought they were, only for some reason we can't see them.

Unmarried lead singer, Brian Molko, said: "Being in a band is very much like being in a marriage. People can grow apart over the years."

It is rumoured that Placebo's drummer had a name, but that is, as yet, unconfirmed.